Obsessive Compulsive VCards

Because I'm lazy today, this is totally stolen from McSweeney's. Go there to read original stuff every day.

Obsessive-Compulsive Valentines
By Jenny Traig
  • Sweetheart, I've got you under my skin. I'll wash and wash, but you'll never come out.

  • Roses are red, violets are blue. Sugar is sweet, and I think I left the iron on.

  • I'm crazy for you! Get it?

  • BE MINE. Wait. That has six letters. Six letters is so unlucky. It's like YOU DIE. That's exactly what it's like. Now you're going to die and it's all my fault.

  • Honey, I'm hot for you! It's like a fever. Do you think it's viral meningitis? I bet it is. I touched the light switch and who knows what germs were on there. Then I thought about you, and infected you—it's a viral brain infection, so of course it's transmitted through brain waves, that makes perfect sense. We should probably just drive to the hospital right now.

  • You're all I think about. Literally!

  • You and me, sitting in a tree—oh, wait, that doesn't sound very safe, does it? Let's say we're sitting on a couch instead. Huh. I wonder who sat on this couch before us. Maybe we should put some plastic wrap down. Yeah, I think we'd better. Is this a new box of plastic wrap, or has it been opened for a while? Are you sure? OK. OK. Let's just say it's new and move on. So we're sitting on a couch, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. Except that I kind of feel this tingle on my lip? Like I might be getting a cold sore? Maybe we should just forget the whole thing.

  • It's hard to tell, what with all the SSRIs in my bloodstream, but I think I feel something for you.

  • I'd touch you without gloves. If I could, I mean.

  • I love you. Wait. That didn't feel right. Let me try it again. I love you. Don't think about disease. Don't think about disease. Don't think about disease. I love you. There.

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