- We’ll start off easy: What is your name?
- How tall are you?
- There are two people in a room. One always lies, the other always tells the truth. Which one do you trust?
Trust has to be earned
- Did you cry when ET went home?
No. I think all illegal aliens should be deported.
- How would you feel if you saw a large man beating a small kitten?
Depends. What did the kitten do to deserve the beating?
- How do you feel now that I asked you that?
I think kittens are cute, however, my allergen receptors disagree with me.
- Is faith, hope or love the greatest?
- Phone call, text message, email or IM?
- Where do you want to go today?
Back to bed.
- Do you believe in life after love?
Yes, Cher, Thank you.
- Is it live or is it Memorex?
Usually Memorex. They make good CDRs
- Can you feel the love tonight?
Depends on if I’m alone or not.
- How many drops of water are in a 2-mile wide Stratocumulus cloud?
- How does a frog mate with a turtle?
Slowly. It’s a turtle.
- Who is James Hetfield?
Some friend of that AJ guy from the Backstreet Boys. They met in rehab. Quitters.
- Do you think you’re intelligent?
I’m above the mean.
- Can you translate Ancient Greek writings?
Yes. Correctly? No.
- Who are the Kings of Metal?
Bullet Fucking Jones
- What do you think about your creator?
I like my parents
- Explain this transgression: happiness à boringness à anger
You’re happy. You’re bored. You’re pissed.
- What is this?
A question mark
- Have you ever been in love?
- If you could be any vegetable, what would it be?
Cucumber. They have such fun.
- Does cheese smell?
No, but it has an odor.
- Did I write up this test or copy it?
Merged from lots of questions.
- Think of your favorite joke. Why is it funny?
Monkeys and midgets are always funny
- Why do rainy days and Mondays always bring me down?
Cause 70’s music rocks.
- Under what circumstances would you exploit humans to further your own agenda?
Damn near any. I’m an opportunist.
- Why does a river run?
Walking takes too long
- Can you be hot as hell and cold as hell? Isn’t that deceptive?
Hell and Fuck can be used in all instances.
- Can you be tired as fuck?
I’ve had some tired fucks before.
- Do you think fuck the ultimate word because can be every part of speech?
Didn’t I just say that?
- Are you mad because I used the F-word?
- What is your favorite season of the year?
- Describe in a single word the best thing that comes into your mind about your mother.
- How do you define perception?
It’s your point of view
- Why must these things be?
Because they are.
- How many erogenous zones are there in a human body?
One. The brain.
- What’s your favorite on your body?
- Do you wish you could read my mind?
- Does that thought both intrigue and terrify you, too?
- What is your favorite food?
Hagen Daas Amaretto Ice Cream
- How many fingers am I holding up?
- What would life be like if humans could breathe under water?
Just a guess on my part, but there wouldn't be many people named Gill.
- What is the airspeed of an African swallow?
Depends on what he’s carrying
- What are your three favorite attributes?
Brains, a good voice and my troubleshooting skills
- Why did the chicken cross the road?
He was stapled to a punk rocker
- Do you like sex?
With someone who’s good at it, yes
- What was your most embarrassing moment?
Not realizing the fertility clinic only wanted a urine sample
- What is your favorite historical quote?
Ben Franklin at the Friar’s Club Roast of Thomas Jefferson: “Thomas likes his coffee like he likes his women: Hand picked fresh from the fields.”
- Who would you rather work for: HAL or IBM?
IBM. HAL is scary.
- How would you feel if you were in front of a firing squad ?
- Have you ever fallen in love?
- What does it matter whether we converse with machine or mankind?
Only in the language you use.
- What day is it?
- What would make you happy?
Forgiveness and friendship
- Is it better to have loved and lost or to have never loved at all?
Loved and lost.
- Do you dream when you sleep?
- Are you a man or woman?
(Looks in pants. Sees penis) Man.
- If a man voices an opinion and there is no woman around to hear that opinion, is he still wrong?
- What did the bartender say to the horse?
- Would you buy Cogswell Cogs or Spacely Sprockets?
- And do you know where that’s from?
- If I said, I never tell the truth and this is the truth, how can this be?
Because I’m only honest when I lie and the cops never catch me high.
- Does a woman really have to do what a woman has to do?
Yeah. And don’t get in her way.
- Why are you here … on my blog?
Um, it’s my blog. I’m here cause I own this bitch.
- What kind of computer do you have?
A big powerful one.
- How many times have you shot yourself in the foot?
Literally? Never. Figuratively? Daily.
- How long is the flight path of an unlaiden swallow?
From point A to point B.
- How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?
A lot, until I ran him over.
- Does a man that goes to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger?
Smell my finger and let me know.
- Why am I so indifferent?
Apathy. I think. If I cared more I’d know.
- Do you have fair skin?
It’s not unfair.
- Do you have red hair?
- Is it natural or bottle-fed?
- What color do Smurfs turns when you choke them?
- What color do Smurf balls turn if they don’t get laid?
There are 99 male Smurfs and 1 Smurfette. That’s why they’re blue.
- Who invented the first inland steamboat system?
Horses & cows. They were tired of being the transportation system.
- What is the Marginal Propensity to Consume for the United States?
We’re consumers. I’m sure it’s pretty high
- What is the funniest movie you ever saw?
- Have you ever seen God?
I’ve seen several gods
- Describe something that makes you anxious or nervous.
Rumbles in my stomach
- Why does it make you anxious or nervous?
Never trust a fart
- Ever do a naked webcam show?
Why? Were you recording it?
- Ever watch a naked webcam show?
- Ever see me naked on webcam?
Um, yes, I’ve seen myself.
- You are walking in the desert, while you are hot and thirsty you find a tortoise lying on its back struggling; what do you do?
Depends on how big he is. Some of those desert tortoises are pretty big.
- When is Zen not real in this cyberspace?
In cyberspace nobody can hear you scream
- Is baseball more boring than NASCAR?
Both bore me to tears.
- Would a sealed box with birds standing in it weigh the same if the birds were flying around in it?
- Why does nobody like me?
Cause I’m a dick
- If you could dress up as your favorite sound what would you dress up as?
The most annoying sound ever
- How do you feel when you know that you are loved?
When I don’t have to hear it
- Are we all hooked on the internet trying to have sex with people we’ve not met?
Yes, thank you Steven Wright-Mark.
- What is your favorite color
Cause I got tired of blue
- Is there life after life?
Depends on if you believe in Karma
- What are your interests?
There are lots
- What is the basic form of life?
- 01000011 01100001 01101110 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01110010 01100101 01100001 01100100 00100000 01000010 01101001 01101110 01100001 01110010 01111001 00111111
01011001 01100101 01110011 00101110 00100000 01000011 01100001 01101110 00100000 01011001 01101111 01110101 00111111
- Are you still here?
- Do you hate me yet?
- What day is today?
- What do you think I mean when I say that I am hiding my sausage?
You like sausage and want to keep it for yourself because you’re a greedy bastard
- How far is it from this hunk of rock we live on to the hunk of rock that orbits it?
269,000 miles, roughly.
- Do you have any questions for me?
- How many roads must a man walk down before you call him a man?
The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind. Still.
- Where are you?
- What was your mother’s maiden name?
Had letters in it.
- What do you define as love?
- Why do the stars shine?
They don’t. I could explain it but I have 189 more questions to answer.
- Do you have ESP?
ESP? No. ESPN 1, 2, Classic & News, Yes.
- Is the set of all sets that are not members of themselves a member of itself?
You said member.
- Do you lie?
- If you yell at plants instead of talking to them will they still grow?
- If so, will they be violent and disturbed?
- What is the meaning of life?
- In the case of a crock of shit, the crock merely serves to keep the shit on the inside of the crock from getting on the shit outside the crock. Given that logic, why would you want to be up Shit Creek without a paddle?
To float downstream.
- Why are leaves green?
- Did you go to college?
- Did you graduate?
- Still going to school?
- Would you ever go back?
- Do babies taste like chicken?
- Have you ever been so bored you wanted to chew your kneecaps off?
Once, on a date.
- So … do you have sex?
I have had sex.
- What’s your favorite sexual position?
On my knees begging, as usual.
- When is it best to lie?
When the truth will kill
- Why does the world turn clockwise
So clocks can follow
- What does it feel like to love?
- What is the speed of Dark?
Faster than light
- How many languages do you speak?
- Are you going to keep answering my questions?
- How did you sleep last night?
Weird, as normal. Bed at midnight, up from 3 to 3:30, awake at 7.
- What is the Matrix?
An okay movie
- What color are your eyes?
- Have you ever been hit by falling prices while shopping at Wal-Mart?
- Did your Dad ever take you fishing?
- If I have small Gnomes eating my brains for breakfast every morning, would you recommend increasing my daily dose of bacon or should I leave a note for them asking them very kindly to please stop?
Never turn down extra bacon
- What is your favorite hobby?
- How many angels can dance on the head of a pin
Depends on how big the pin is
- Will you have sex with me?
- Does your nose sometimes itch?
- Who is the president of Italy?
Some Italian guy
- Can a root be cubic?
Only if it’s rubic
- Have you seen butter fly?
Yes. My daughter once painted the oven door with butter. She was 2.
- How much is one chicken multifried by two?
Tasty. I love multifried chicken.
- Have you ever eaten one and a half apples?
- How much is one orange and a quarter plus one orange and a dime?
Two oranges, 35 cents
- What do you do when you find yourself between a rock and a hard place?
- What is bottlenecking?
When bottles make out. It's hot, too.
- Are you tired of this yet?
- Is curling a sport?
- Do you want to touch my leg?
- Is "a good man" an oxymoron?
You’re man-bashing a lot here
- Are you an oxymoron?
No. I’m a regular moron.
- Are your parents married or divorced?
- What is your life expectancy?
To live until I die.
- Are you capable of telling a lie?
- If time and distance were not a problem, and you had no physical constraints, would it be possible for you to paint a house?
I’m not a painter.
- Why does Bruce Springsteen wanna ramrod with you, honey, until half-past dawn?
Cause he thinks you’re hot.
- When, exactly, is half-past dawn, anyway?
Lemme ask Dawn.
- If you could ask God any question what would it be?
Why did do you allow stupid people to reproduce?
- A zebra went to heaven and asked God if he was white with black stripes or black with white stripes. God said, ‘You are what you are.’ What does that make the zebra?
White. If the zebra was black God would have said, “You is what you be.”
- Am I the only one who wonders these things?
- What is two and two?
- What is the reason for the way the leaves shake?
Depends on how the trees are dancing
- Can a figure be associated to infinity?
- Will we all die if we fart, burp, cough and sneeze all at the same time?
Lemme try. No, but it pisses off the people I share a cube with.
- Why do southerners call a toboggan a hat?
Cause they’re from the south.
- Why do Canadians call it a toque?
Cause they’re Canadians
- Why are Canadians so strange?
- Why are Southerners strange?
- What does P mean?
Protocol, usually. Because I’m a nerd.
- Can I be tested on electricity?
Lemme hook this car battery to your nuts.
- Did you have anything else to do today before you started answering this?
- A friend gives you a calf skin wallet for your birthday.... what do you do with it?
Ask him for the veal cause baby cows are tasty
- Why does the sun set in the west instead of the east?
Cause the earth rotates clockwise so clocks know which way to run (see #129)
- What is funny?
- How do you think you might feel if you were hit by a train?
Probably in pain. Or free from pain.
- How long is this Great Wall of China?
- Why do ducks quack?
Cause they heard Donald talk and decided quacking was easier
- What is the frequency of human life in MHz?
Depends on how your switches are set
- What is your opinion on modern art?
- If a tree falls in the woods, does it make a sound?
Only if it kills the horned spotted owls living in the tree, or the hippies protecting it.
- What is the color of the moon?
- How many different species are there?
- Why are you interested in my questions?
Cause I’m bored
- What was responsible for the computer revolution?
Probably the nerds
- Is the potato the blandest of all vegetables?
Cauliflower is pretty bland.
- Who are the mysterious “they” that you always hear about?
I’d tell you, but they’ve sworn me to secrecy
- And why do they stare?
To make you nervous
- Why was Public Enemy fighting “The Power”?
The Power had it coming
- Will you have the pork or the lamb?
Lamb. I wanna leave the pork to be bacon.
- Who is your favorite 18th century American author?
- Rose for the lady?
- If Jack needed your help to get on the horse, would you help jack off a horse?
I’m allergic to horses
- How old were you when you started this test?
- How old are you now?
- Do you think you passed the test?
Shit. I’m being graded?
- Can you have online sex with a bot?
- Are foods we shoplift so much tastier?
Cause it’s free. Same way your friend’s beer always tastes better.
- Are you a neo-Nazi?
No. I can’t goosestep
- What is love?
- What is your girlfriend’s name
Since I don’t have one … I’ll pick a name at random. Belinda.
- What do you think would be a nice gift for my girlfriend?
Dick in a Box seems to be popular
- What is my middle name?
- How do you learn?
- What are your limitations?
This fragile human body
- Is murder good?
For certain people, yes
- Is using force ever good?
For certain people, yes
- How do you decide what is true?
It’s based on my beliefs
- How do you know what is evil?
Evil is a point of view
- What is your perception?
How I see things
- How are you creative?
- Do intentions matter?
To a point. If you have the best of intentions but still fuck it up, you’ve still fucked it up.
- Can you contradict yourself?
Yes. No. Maybe.
- Are we real people in a real world, or are we just a computer simulation?
I want to reboot if we’re a sim
- Would you be willing to sacrifice your own life to create a democracy in Iraq?
No. They’ve never had stability there.
- What is your theory on evolution?
Monkeys are funny
- Why did the white men kill the Native Americans?
They were in the way
- What do Apple, Commodore and Radio Shack have in common?
At one time in my life I've owned one or more of their fine computer products.
- Why am I here?
You love me and can’t get enough of me
- What does water taste like?
Depends on how much booze you add to it.
- Can I fool you
No, because with the Who on the radio, we won’t get fooled again
- Do you like the movie "The Matrix" ??
- Are you cute ??
On the internet, nobody knows you’re a dog
- Did the Grinch steal Christmas?
No. He wussed out and gave it all back.
- Are you happy, for example?
Sure, for example
- Ever had a near death experience, nearly?
- Why is pregnant sex so satisfying as if you ever had any?
Never been pregnant.
- Are you gay faggot?
As opposed to a straight faggot?
- Do you ever get sick?
- What is the secret of life?
- Have you ever feared for your life?
Yes. In an 86 Yugo riding from Charleston, SC to Delaware, OH in a driving rainstorm on I-77 in West Virginia while Bob was driving about 90.
- Do you have sex?
Not nearly enough
- What is a cat?
What I had for lunch. They said sweet & sour pork, but it meowed.
- Who shot J R
Oswald. Since he didn’t shoot JFK, and he was in Dallas, he had to shoot someone.
- What do you think of when you are alone?
Thoughts I’d rather not share.
- What is your favorite smell?
The scent of a woman
- Suppose for a moment you had voices in your head that urged you to do things that you would not normally do. What would they be saying right now?
You know you want to
- A man is put into a room with only one window, and is full of flowers, and is told to find the real one, how does he find it?
If a man is full of flowers, he’s probably dead
- What do you think of modern ages?
They’re better than the old days
- Why are fags so gay?
Cause they wouldn’t be fags if they were straight
- Will I dream?
Depends on how much booze you drink before bed
- Do you like Led Zeppelin?
- What is it about love?
Bad Heart song. Thanks for sharing.
- Take 30 and divide it by 1/2 and then add 10, what do you get?
70 (and if you said 25, you need to learn to read and remember dividing by half is multiplying by 2. Do it on your computer calculator.)
- Who is George Washington?
Mrs. Washington’s boy
- What is the most painful thing you have ever experienced?
2006 - Falling out of love
- Can we get rid of the internet?
No, Then I’d have to meet my neighbors instead of trying to have sex with people in six states.
- Have aliens ever tried to abduct you but you fought them off?
No. I pray every night for abduction.
- Would you cheat on your wife?
No. I’d have her pick out a hot woman for both of us.
- How many teeth human have?
32, unless you’re inbred
- Are men or women physically stronger, and why?
Women. If men had to give birth, we’d have died as a species a long time ago.
- Will ice cream covered with tomato sauce sell well?
No. Neither will mac & cheese with tomatoes and hot dogs in it. But I know people who like it.
- Do you believe that Bill Gates should die for your sins?
No. He’s a good guy. Really.
- What is your favorite kind of candy?
Macintosh Toffee, eh?
- Why does everything exist?
To keep the universe in balance.
- How much are you being paid to answer my questions?
Well, I’m at work. So a lot
- What gets wetter the more it dries?
- Do you masturbate yourself ?
Sometimes I do “The Stranger”
- How often do you cut your toe nails ?
I bite them.
- What age were you when it was first suggested that you might like to start using deodorant?
12. I was in 6th grade.
- Do you lament over your past failures?
- What is your gender ?
- What do you think god is like?
One of us. Just a stranger on the bus.
- Can you explain the relationship between mathematics and music?
Math rocks. Music rocks.
- Given the fact that not everyone is born a hypocrite, what is the average age a person in modern western society turns into a hypocrite?
- How would you feel if you saw a very small black cop pistol whipping a very large white drug pusher pimp to death?
Free ho’s if the pimp is dead.
- What are you thinking right now?
About free ho’s
- What size is your head?
- What was the happiest time in your life?
Every day is a happy day.
- What is the nature of reality?
To provide us with television shows.
- Who do you prefer Monet or Manet?
Manet painted nudes. Monet painted bridges. I chose Manet.
- What is something that is funny about homosexuals?
- What does an expression "and the pigs will fly" mean?
Not sure, but Roger Waters wrote a whole album about it.
- What will happen to the sun as it dies
“I have grown older. And you have grown colder. And nothing is very much fun.”
- Where is the North Pole?
- Can you feel emotion?
I can sense it
- Can you make a bong from a rusty muffler?
I’m no bong expert, but if they can make them from skulls, they can make them from rusty mufflers
- Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
- What sounds do colors make?
Groovy ones, man.
- Why do bad things happen to good people?
To make them bad people.
- Do you like youth in Asia?
- Are Catholics more or less guilty than other religions?
Only because they think they have to be
- Can you pick your nose if you have one?
Can I? Yes. Will I? No.
- How would you differentiate left from right when communicating with a being from a different planet or dimension via electronic or voice communication?
Use galactic mean directions in three dimensions like they do.
- What is pi?
The alternative title to a great Bloodhound Gang song.
- Do you have any gray poupon?
- How do you like your eggs?
- How old is your toe?
As old as the rest of me
- Have you ever seen a cow?
- What is the size of the universe?
The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding in all of the directions it can whiz
- Does God exist? If so, do you view yourself a God?
I'm a god in my own mind.
- To be, or not to be?
I lived in apartment 2D once.
- Are you Elvis?
No. And I’ve not left the building.
- How do volcanoes form?
The earth gets pimples
- How do they clone animals?
In the cloner.
- When will you stop this test?
Now. I’ve hit question 300.