Minister cured of 'the gay.'

I grew up spending a few Saturday nights watching the right Reverend Ernest Ansley healing people on his television evangelist show on Channel 23 in Akron. Cause a squat, badly-toupee d bug-eyed pasty-skinned 'preacher' laying hands on other white people and curing them was damn fine entertainment when you didn't have cable.

And I know that the Reverend Ansley does heal people - I saw them get out of their wheelchairs and walk; I saw the blind toss away the sunglasses and canes; and the gravely ill arise from their sickbeds and live. And if you couldn't get to his studios in Akron, you could approach your television and put your hand on Ernest Ansley's hand as he held it up to the camera and he would heal you, too, through the magic of television.

Oh, and this may shock you, but they also gave you a telephone number and address where you you could call and give money or send in cash, check or money order to help Ernest Ansley and his healing hands ... and since Ernest is a fine, upstanding man of the cloth, I know he would never steal money from the sick and the old to live the lavish lifestyle he does out there near Cuyahoga Falls. (please liberally apply sarcasm to the previous two entire paragraphs. And the next.)

All you have to do is believe that Jesus can heal you when science and medicine can't ... and the lame will walk, the blind will see and those with AIDS will be healed by the hands of Ernest Ansley.

So I'm guessing it's Ernest Ansley that healed Ted Haggard of the gay.

Remember Ted? He was the president of the National Association of Evangelicals who resigned last year after it came to light the good Reverend Haggard - who preached that homosexuality could be healed - had engaged in sex and drug abuse with a prostitute on a monthly basis for approximately three years.

Oh, yeah ... a male prostitute.

So apparently the good married man of God who preached against extramarital sex, fags and drug abuse amongst other 'sins' was actually having meth-fueled gay sex with a prostitute and paying for it with money earned serving God.

Please excuse my gut-laugh.

But those days are over.

You'll be pleased to know that as of 9:53 a.m. today, Ted Haggard has been cured of the gay.

One of four ministers who oversaw three weeks of intense counseling for Haggard proclaimed him "completely hetrosexual."

Again, please excuse my gut-laugh.

First, I wasn't aware being gay was a sickness. I'm not gay, but if I was, I'd hate to think it's because I'm ill. Or as we learned in Brokeback Mountain, cause I had too much to drink and the sheep weren't cooperative.

So as someone who knows being gay is NOT the result of an illness, I was quite shocked to read the AP Report that Haggard was cured of the gay.

And while it wasn't mentioned ... I'm guessing it was Ernest Ansley. After all, he cures everything else.

No comments: