I wrote a letter using 182 Richard Marx song titles.

Apparently Richard Marx is kind of a bad-ass and helped restrain a dude who lost his shit on a Korean Air Flight last weekend. A friend of mine was reading about it and was shocked to learn that he was married to Daisy Fuentes, and that she's 50 and beautiful, and that Richard Marx has a HUGE odd-shaped head. She asked me the following questions:

1. What is wrong with Richard Marx's head? It looks misshapen. 
2. When did he marry Daisy Fuentes
3. How is it possible that Daisy Fuentes is 50??
4. Why would he marry her?

Now she's well-versed in the Googles, so she could easily look those answers up. As could I. But I went one step beyond, as Madness once said. I googled all the original songs and some covers that Richard Marx has released, excluding the Christmas albums, and have come up with perhaps the greatest set of answers of all time as a letter from Richard Marx, explaining everything.

Everything in bold is a Richard Marx song title, or cover, that he has released. There are 182 of them. Enjoy!

Good Evening, Angelia,

What’s The Story about my head? We’ll Talk about That Later. I Can’t Help It. It’s really More Than A Mystery. I guess it’s just hard to control The Power Inside of Me. Or it’s Wild Horses. Or just a bad photo angle. Humidity. Or the fact that my hair was messed up from fighting with a Korean on a plane. You choose.

What’s Wrong With That? Almost Everything. I have a weird-shaped head. Mostly just Scars that Shine from my life on Streets of Pain I Forget To Remember.

As for Daisy Fuentes and I being an item? My Confession: We met years ago, and briefly dated, while I was at the height of my musical success. At The Beginning, she said it felt like a Ride With The Idol, but Everything Good eventually ends. She left me. Everybody saw it coming but me. No Thanks To You. Oh, wait, That Was Lulu. Snark redacted.

Suddenly, one day she looked at me, sadly, and said, “You’re a Superstar. When You’re Gone, I have Suspicion. You Keep Coming Back and I Take You Back but You Never Take Me Dancing. I know it’s Too Late To Say Goodbye, that it’s Too Early To Be Over, but I’ve Had Enough. I am So Into You, You’re A God, but I’m afraid I can’t be What You Want. Be Everything You Want.

“Whatever We Started, I feel like the Hazard of your Wild Life interrupts the Power of You and Me. I have a Heart Of My Own. I can’t play this Fool’s Game and be just another Flame In Your Fire. I’ll Talk To You Later. Decide what We Are and Surrender To Me. Be All Over Me not just a Part of Me. This is how I feel From The Inside. Go Inside and Think It Over. Then pack your stuff and Just Go.

It felt Like The World Was Ending. I was crushed On The Inside. I let out a Silent Scream. I had to Getaway from all of this. I got Colder. I’m just One Man. I knew right there I was afraid to say how I really felt. She brought out The Best Of Me. I felt her Slipping Away and I Should’ve Know Better to think I was In This All Alone. Turns out I was afraid to show her my Lonely Heart. It was Love Unemotional. I was afraid of Dependence. Tears Keep Coming Down, drowning out The Flame Of Love. I was Falling.

While we were apart, I was at the Edge of a Broken Heart. Literally alone on The Edge of Forever being alone, with these self-imposed Chains Around My Heart. It’s Eternity to spend Every Day Of Your Life with your Hands In Your Pocket while Playing With Fire, hanging out with the Children of the Night while you Wait For The Sunrise. There are Breathless days where I Can’t Stop Crying. I Can’t Help It. Life Don’t Mean Nothing when you’re Living In The Real World without Someone Special. Heaven Only Knows how I had my Heart On The Line.

Then I saw her in Miami, 2017. It was October, right about the time When November Falls. There, I came To My Senses.

At The Beginning, I was Too Shy To Say anything. I felt a Touch of Heaven when I saw her At The Station. I felt her Eyes on Me. She took one look at me with those Baby Blues and, you know me, I Can’t Lie To My Heart. For Better or Worse, I was Over My Head and knew there was only One Thing Left: I had to Take This Heart, put on my Boy Next Door attitude, Take It To The Limit and show her The Other Side of me. I didn’t want Ordinary Love. I was Ready To Fly into the Real World and although I said (It Looks Like) I’ll Never Fall In Love Again, I decided to Have A Little Faith and try to start Better Life.

I asked her to Have Mercy and Save Me. Despite what other women had Done To Me, she was Everything I Want. I was Falling and had Nothing To Hide so I told her Straight From My Heart:

“I am Waiting On Your Love and hope The Image of me as a Big Boy Now will allow you to Turn Off The Night and Bring It On Home. I’m Calling You just One More Time to give us One More Try because you were the Best I Ever Had and You’ll Never Be Alone if you Come Back To Me. I felt you Wouldn’t Let Me Love You, oddly enough, When You Loved Me. The Last Thing I Wanted was to not be Always On Your Mind. Let’s Say Goodbye To Hollywood. I’ll come To Where You Are. Heaven’s Waiting. I’m Not Running. I’m Still Here. I Will Be Right Here Waiting, Until You Come Back To Me. But, If You Don’t Want My Love, I’ll leave Your World. Again.”

Suddenly, there was Sunshine. She said, “Come Running, we have the Whole World To Save.” It was a Miracle. We spent Days In Avalon, Dancing. The music sounded like an Angel’s Lullaby. Alleluia. There was a joyous Echo that was Like Heaven. And Remember Manhattan? That was Another Heaven. She said Hold On To The Nights, and she wasn't lying. We were finally Lovin Emotional. I am Satisfied with my Rhythm of Life. We’re talking Soul Action. I am Loved. I am High on life. I Get No Sleep.

I can’t explain The Way She Loves Me. It’s like Thunder and Lightning. She’s the blood that flows Through My Veins. I Should’ve Known Better. She’s Beautiful.  And I Love Her. Now and Forever.

As for you, Little Miss Heartbreak, If You Were My Girl you could'vd had me Anyway You Want Me. Why am I telling you this now? The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face, This I Promise You, I melted. Sometimes I just Can’t Help Falling In Love at first sight.

But, now that I’m with Daisy, again, none of this will happen. And, short of her leaving this mortal plain, there’s Nothin You Can Do About It. I’m glad to get this off my chest, so There’s Nothing Left Behind Us and there’s Nothing Left To Say. Until I Find You Again, I Give You Back your time. I have removed the thing in my life that Only Reminds Me Of You, your journalism book “What’s The Story.” I hope you take from The Letter that in my life, Everything Good. I hope my dreams don’t Haunt Me Tonight. I give you Your Goodbye. I hope it’s a Beautiful Goodbye. I must go. I hear Moscow Calling.

All the best,


So #DumpKellogg is just the tip of the iceburg?

So the Trumpsters are all protesting and boycotting Kellogg for pulling its advertising from an Alt-Right website? That's cool. This is America. As long as they're not beating people up for saying "They're GREAT!" they can have their cute little protest. America is comprised of around 330 million people, give or take a few, and the 45 million that allegedly read BreitBullShit.com on a daily basis represent about 14% of the population. If we take that 45 million and break it down by gender, readership (according to Alexa) is about 60/40 female to male, so about eight million shoppers (assuming that 60% of the 14 million people follow traditional white rules and the wife stays home with the kids and does all the shopping while dad goes off to work, the way god intended) who just got pissed off. And are boycotting. Because a company decided to stop advertising on a website that went from conservative to alt-right (a.k.a. white supremacy). 

All that aside, for a group of people who complain about libtards and liberal logic, the conservatives sure love to go out of their way to whine & complain about being mistreated. How does not seeing an ad for SugarSmaks impede your daily life? No, please. Someone let me know. I REALLY NEED TO FIND PEOPLE WHO LIKE WEB ADS, ya know, for research. So hit me up if you're actually missing the wholesome goodness of a Corn Pops ad while reading your daily racist news stories. 

But like I said, that's cool, they have the right to shop where they want. 

So, alt-righters and their supporters ... Say goodbye to Kellogg's Frosted Flakes, Kellogg's Nutri-Grain, Smart Start (which goes against what you believe because, ya know, it's based on science), Crunchmania, and the gay-sounding Froot Loops, which you'd probably never eat, because you don't want to catch the gay.

And let go of your Eggo, Low Fat Granola, Fruit Flavored Snacks, Apple Jacks, Cinnabon, Kellogg’s To Go, Crispix, Special K and Frosted & Mini-Wheats. But it's not all doom and gloom here, I do have good news:  

You will be able to eat in silence without the fun of Snap, Crackle & Pop in your Rice Krispies, but you may have trouble pooping without the fiber in Mueslix, Cracklin’ Oat Bran, All-Bran, and Kellogg’s Corn Flakes. And if that makes you mad, I'd tell you to eat something sweet, but you just swore off Corn Pops, Smorz, Honey Smacks and you can no longer Krave your Pop-Tarts. Even those tasty Cinnamon Brown Sugar ones I'm eating right now.

And you say you're just starting? #DumpKellogg is the tip of the iceburg? You want the corporations you support to more reflect you and your beliefs or you're not going to support them? 

Bad news, snowflake. That ain't gonna happen. Even in Trump's America.

Corporations have been opening their doors, hiring offices and payrolls to become more inclusive. More diverse. Less white. Soon there will only be a few corporations left for you to support, and you may have to go back to the basics and grow your own food, build your own cars, make your own clothes. And computers. And cell phones, because ... 

Microsoft doesn't advertise on alt-right sites because they're inclusive of all Americans. Microsoft LOVES the gays. Same with Apple. Hell, their CEO, Tim Cook IS one of the gays! So you get no PCs running Windows, no Macs, no iPhones, iPad, iPods or AppleWatchs. 

And don't plan on telling me what else you're boycotting on Facebook, Twitter, any of the massive reach of Google (like Google+ (yes, it still exists), blogging about it here, or ranting on YouTube). They all love the gays and diverse workforces, too. And don't advertise on alt-right sites. Maybe there's an alt-right Friend Finder out there you can use. (I just googled white power dating sites, and yes, there are several. No, I won't list them. Gopher them on your own custom-built computer hopefully running the white power Linux kernel. Yes, that exists, too. No, I won't link to it.)

More good news: You'll be in much better shape, because Ford hires the gays. And the blacks. And other minorities. So does GM. I know a couple!  And Dodge. And Toyota, Honda, Subaru.  And none of them advertise on alt-right sites. I'd tell you get on your bike, but there are a bunch of African-Americans that build (and ride) motorcycles. Same with Schwinn. And none of them advertise on alt-right websites. And that's good, for you, because Aetna, Bristol-Myers Squibb, Cardinal Health, Care Resource, CIGNA, CVS, Group Health Cooperative, Healthline, Jazz Pharmaceuticals, Johnson & Johnson, Kimberly-Clark Corp, Mass Life, McKesson, Pfizer, Procter & Gamble, St. Jude Medical, Uptown Physicians Group and United Therapeutics Corp all love the gays, so you'll likely be out of health insurance after Obamacare and Medicare are gone, and won't be able to buy bandages or wound-care from the places listed above. Don't know what some of them do? That's okay. Pfizer makes drugs, Procter & Gamble makes damn near EVERYTHING including Pampers & Luvs, so get used to cloth diapers.

So what else is happening on the boycott front?  Oh, yeah, you're boycotting Target over their bathroom policies ... while shopping WalMart because they have the Duck Dynasty stuff. Walmart also gives same-sex domestic partners benefits. #BOOM Triggered again.

But my favorite "SHOW THEM WE MATTER" protest is your on-going war on Starbucks over their lack of Christmas-themed cups. I personally don't shop there unless it's my only coffee option because I think their coffee kinda sucks. It's better than MacRonalds (who loves minorities and gays), or truck-stop coffee, but still nowhere near the top of the list. You've been at war with them for what ... three years now? Oceania was at war with Eastasia: Oceania had always been at war with Eastasia.

I do like the the new guerrilla twist in this war that's been happening here in 2016. That's some next-level protest shit right there. And I'm a military scholar. I love a good battle plan. Let's look at this & lemme get this straight:

You're protesting their support of Hillary in the election by going to their stores, kiosks and drive-thru locations, ordering their over-priced coffee, handing over your hard-earned money or Discover card (cause you can't use a Visa, Mastercard or American Express card, because they love the gays) from a job the (lazy) Mexicans haven't stolen yet, to make them write Trump when they ask for your name. That's genius-level boycotting right there, I tell ya! "We hate you. You're anti-Christian. Take my $5 and write Trump on my cup. That'll learn ya"). 

And then, if they don't, you get TRIGGERED and start yelling about the election. 

So who's left for your cracker-ass bigoted selves to shop at? Not much. I mean, if you're gonna go in, GO ALL IN and stop shopping everywhere that doesn't meet your particular political or religious beliefs. I'll even help you out:

Here are the most anti-gay corporations in America.

Get used to sustaining yourself on their wares, but pay with cash, because Visa and Mastercard and American Express love the gays. They signed with this list of 379 companies to support marriage equality in the US in 2015.
  • You can get your food (and pet food) from Chik-Fil-A, Cracker Barrel & Purina. 
  • You can get your gas at Exxon-Mobil. 
  • You can get your clothes from Salvation Army, but not Levis. They're on that list above. 

And have fun with all those boycotts. But try to find a good breakfast before you start ... but stay away from Cheerios, Chex, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Fiber ONe, Kix, Lucky Charms, Count Chocoula and his ghouls, Tiny Toas, Trix, Total, Wheaties. General Mills is on the list, too!

Now gimme those Hamilton tickets.

Cops threaten to play Nickleback to OVI offenders. I write a parody of Nickleback based on it.

So the fine Canadian police officers in Prince Edward Island are threatening to force people caught driving drunk to listen to Nickelback. No, for reals!

And between you and me, that would never fly in America. It's probably at best against the Geneva Convention. I mean, let's be serious: One Nickelback song sounds just like every other Nickelback song. And that shit is torture. And probably unconstitutional. At worst, it's basically the same song 97 times in a row (current catalog at the time of this blog post).

So me being me, I decided to spice things up and have a guy write a Nickelback song parody about getting pulled over for having too much to drink and driving, which is never smart. And no, for the record, I was not asked to blow into a plastic straw.

So I give you ... "Plastic Straw" sung to the tune of "Photograph" ... or 96 other similar-sounding Nickelback songs:

Plastic Straw

He said "Blow in this plastic straw. 
You were part of that goddamned bar crawl.
You should see your eyes are so red
You're lucky you could have wound up dead.

"And please don't give me no shit.
You're drunk as fuck and cannot deny it. 
There's no way you can walk a line. 
Probably looking at some weekend time. 

"Please don't puke in my car. 
Gimme the name of that goddamned bar
That over-served you, they are goin' down
I'm sick of working in a college town.

"You can't fight while you're drunk. 
You think you're tough? You're a fucking punk. 
You should've handed the keys to a friend
Your buzz is really gonna quickly end"
Oh, whoa, it just hit me God, I

I am handcuffed in the backseat of a police car
I should have got an Uber ride home from that bar 
It's hard to say
Fucked up today, today
I got no memory of walkin' out of the bar door
Gonna find my photo on the internet for sure 
It's time to face it
Judge will say it
Jail Time ... jail tiiiiime

Remember working at the pizza place?
We'd get so drunk we couldn't feel our face
The cops fucked with us walking home
I hear somebody made it a golf dome

We use to rule that jukebox
Sang along with every song that rocks 
We said someday we'd find out how it feels
To sing to more than just a cutting wheel

Your sister's the first girl I kissed
I never told you cause you'd be hot pissed
She finally came out as a lesbian
I haven't seen her since God knows when
Oh, God, it my fault? I

I am handcuffed in the backseat of a police car
I should have got an Uber ride home from that bar 
It's hard to say
Fucked up today, today
I got no memory of walkin' out of the bar door
Gonna find my photo on the internet for sure 
It's time to face it
Judge will say it
Jail Time ... jail tiiiiime

I don't miss that town
I don't miss their faces
Alcohol erases
Brain cells can't replace it
I don't miss it now
I can believe it
So hard to stay
Real easy to leave it

If I could relive this night 
I know the one thing that I would do right

I'd get an Uber or a taxi ride home from that bar
There's no way I'd get behind the wheel of my car
I have to say it
Time to say it.
Jail Time ... Jail tiiiime.
I got no memory of walkin' out of the bar door
Now my photo’s on the internet, I know for sure 
It's time to face it
Judge will say it
Jail Time ... jail tiiiiime

He said "Blow in this plastic straw. 
You were part of that goddamned bar crawl.
You were part of that damned