I wrote a letter using 182 Richard Marx song titles.

Apparently Richard Marx is kind of a bad-ass and helped restrain a dude who lost his shit on a Korean Air Flight last weekend. A friend of mine was reading about it and was shocked to learn that he was married to Daisy Fuentes, and that she's 50 and beautiful, and that Richard Marx has a HUGE odd-shaped head. She asked me the following questions:

1. What is wrong with Richard Marx's head? It looks misshapen. 
2. When did he marry Daisy Fuentes
3. How is it possible that Daisy Fuentes is 50??
4. Why would he marry her?

Now she's well-versed in the Googles, so she could easily look those answers up. As could I. But I went one step beyond, as Madness once said. I googled all the original songs and some covers that Richard Marx has released, excluding the Christmas albums, and have come up with perhaps the greatest set of answers of all time as a letter from Richard Marx, explaining everything.

Everything in bold is a Richard Marx song title, or cover, that he has released. There are 182 of them. Enjoy!

Good Evening, Angelia,

What’s The Story about my head? We’ll Talk about That Later. I Can’t Help It. It’s really More Than A Mystery. I guess it’s just hard to control The Power Inside of Me. Or it’s Wild Horses. Or just a bad photo angle. Humidity. Or the fact that my hair was messed up from fighting with a Korean on a plane. You choose.

What’s Wrong With That? Almost Everything. I have a weird-shaped head. Mostly just Scars that Shine from my life on Streets of Pain I Forget To Remember.

As for Daisy Fuentes and I being an item? My Confession: We met years ago, and briefly dated, while I was at the height of my musical success. At The Beginning, she said it felt like a Ride With The Idol, but Everything Good eventually ends. She left me. Everybody saw it coming but me. No Thanks To You. Oh, wait, That Was Lulu. Snark redacted.

Suddenly, one day she looked at me, sadly, and said, “You’re a Superstar. When You’re Gone, I have Suspicion. You Keep Coming Back and I Take You Back but You Never Take Me Dancing. I know it’s Too Late To Say Goodbye, that it’s Too Early To Be Over, but I’ve Had Enough. I am So Into You, You’re A God, but I’m afraid I can’t be What You Want. Be Everything You Want.

“Whatever We Started, I feel like the Hazard of your Wild Life interrupts the Power of You and Me. I have a Heart Of My Own. I can’t play this Fool’s Game and be just another Flame In Your Fire. I’ll Talk To You Later. Decide what We Are and Surrender To Me. Be All Over Me not just a Part of Me. This is how I feel From The Inside. Go Inside and Think It Over. Then pack your stuff and Just Go.

It felt Like The World Was Ending. I was crushed On The Inside. I let out a Silent Scream. I had to Getaway from all of this. I got Colder. I’m just One Man. I knew right there I was afraid to say how I really felt. She brought out The Best Of Me. I felt her Slipping Away and I Should’ve Know Better to think I was In This All Alone. Turns out I was afraid to show her my Lonely Heart. It was Love Unemotional. I was afraid of Dependence. Tears Keep Coming Down, drowning out The Flame Of Love. I was Falling.

While we were apart, I was at the Edge of a Broken Heart. Literally alone on The Edge of Forever being alone, with these self-imposed Chains Around My Heart. It’s Eternity to spend Every Day Of Your Life with your Hands In Your Pocket while Playing With Fire, hanging out with the Children of the Night while you Wait For The Sunrise. There are Breathless days where I Can’t Stop Crying. I Can’t Help It. Life Don’t Mean Nothing when you’re Living In The Real World without Someone Special. Heaven Only Knows how I had my Heart On The Line.

Then I saw her in Miami, 2017. It was October, right about the time When November Falls. There, I came To My Senses.

At The Beginning, I was Too Shy To Say anything. I felt a Touch of Heaven when I saw her At The Station. I felt her Eyes on Me. She took one look at me with those Baby Blues and, you know me, I Can’t Lie To My Heart. For Better or Worse, I was Over My Head and knew there was only One Thing Left: I had to Take This Heart, put on my Boy Next Door attitude, Take It To The Limit and show her The Other Side of me. I didn’t want Ordinary Love. I was Ready To Fly into the Real World and although I said (It Looks Like) I’ll Never Fall In Love Again, I decided to Have A Little Faith and try to start Better Life.

I asked her to Have Mercy and Save Me. Despite what other women had Done To Me, she was Everything I Want. I was Falling and had Nothing To Hide so I told her Straight From My Heart:

“I am Waiting On Your Love and hope The Image of me as a Big Boy Now will allow you to Turn Off The Night and Bring It On Home. I’m Calling You just One More Time to give us One More Try because you were the Best I Ever Had and You’ll Never Be Alone if you Come Back To Me. I felt you Wouldn’t Let Me Love You, oddly enough, When You Loved Me. The Last Thing I Wanted was to not be Always On Your Mind. Let’s Say Goodbye To Hollywood. I’ll come To Where You Are. Heaven’s Waiting. I’m Not Running. I’m Still Here. I Will Be Right Here Waiting, Until You Come Back To Me. But, If You Don’t Want My Love, I’ll leave Your World. Again.”

Suddenly, there was Sunshine. She said, “Come Running, we have the Whole World To Save.” It was a Miracle. We spent Days In Avalon, Dancing. The music sounded like an Angel’s Lullaby. Alleluia. There was a joyous Echo that was Like Heaven. And Remember Manhattan? That was Another Heaven. She said Hold On To The Nights, and she wasn't lying. We were finally Lovin Emotional. I am Satisfied with my Rhythm of Life. We’re talking Soul Action. I am Loved. I am High on life. I Get No Sleep.

I can’t explain The Way She Loves Me. It’s like Thunder and Lightning. She’s the blood that flows Through My Veins. I Should’ve Known Better. She’s Beautiful.  And I Love Her. Now and Forever.

As for you, Little Miss Heartbreak, If You Were My Girl you could'vd had me Anyway You Want Me. Why am I telling you this now? The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face, This I Promise You, I melted. Sometimes I just Can’t Help Falling In Love at first sight.

But, now that I’m with Daisy, again, none of this will happen. And, short of her leaving this mortal plain, there’s Nothin You Can Do About It. I’m glad to get this off my chest, so There’s Nothing Left Behind Us and there’s Nothing Left To Say. Until I Find You Again, I Give You Back your time. I have removed the thing in my life that Only Reminds Me Of You, your journalism book “What’s The Story.” I hope you take from The Letter that in my life, Everything Good. I hope my dreams don’t Haunt Me Tonight. I give you Your Goodbye. I hope it’s a Beautiful Goodbye. I must go. I hear Moscow Calling.

All the best,


So #DumpKellogg is just the tip of the iceburg?

So the Trumpsters are all protesting and boycotting Kellogg for pulling its advertising from an Alt-Right website? That's cool. This is America. As long as they're not beating people up for saying "They're GREAT!" they can have their cute little protest. America is comprised of around 330 million people, give or take a few, and the 45 million that allegedly read BreitBullShit.com on a daily basis represent about 14% of the population. If we take that 45 million and break it down by gender, readership (according to Alexa) is about 60/40 female to male, so about eight million shoppers (assuming that 60% of the 14 million people follow traditional white rules and the wife stays home with the kids and does all the shopping while dad goes off to work, the way god intended) who just got pissed off. And are boycotting. Because a company decided to stop advertising on a website that went from conservative to alt-right (a.k.a. white supremacy). 

All that aside, for a group of people who complain about libtards and liberal logic, the conservatives sure love to go out of their way to whine & complain about being mistreated. How does not seeing an ad for SugarSmaks impede your daily life? No, please. Someone let me know. I REALLY NEED TO FIND PEOPLE WHO LIKE WEB ADS, ya know, for research. So hit me up if you're actually missing the wholesome goodness of a Corn Pops ad while reading your daily racist news stories. 

But like I said, that's cool, they have the right to shop where they want. 

So, alt-righters and their supporters ... Say goodbye to Kellogg's Frosted Flakes, Kellogg's Nutri-Grain, Smart Start (which goes against what you believe because, ya know, it's based on science), Crunchmania, and the gay-sounding Froot Loops, which you'd probably never eat, because you don't want to catch the gay.

And let go of your Eggo, Low Fat Granola, Fruit Flavored Snacks, Apple Jacks, Cinnabon, Kellogg’s To Go, Crispix, Special K and Frosted & Mini-Wheats. But it's not all doom and gloom here, I do have good news:  

You will be able to eat in silence without the fun of Snap, Crackle & Pop in your Rice Krispies, but you may have trouble pooping without the fiber in Mueslix, Cracklin’ Oat Bran, All-Bran, and Kellogg’s Corn Flakes. And if that makes you mad, I'd tell you to eat something sweet, but you just swore off Corn Pops, Smorz, Honey Smacks and you can no longer Krave your Pop-Tarts. Even those tasty Cinnamon Brown Sugar ones I'm eating right now.

And you say you're just starting? #DumpKellogg is the tip of the iceburg? You want the corporations you support to more reflect you and your beliefs or you're not going to support them? 

Bad news, snowflake. That ain't gonna happen. Even in Trump's America.

Corporations have been opening their doors, hiring offices and payrolls to become more inclusive. More diverse. Less white. Soon there will only be a few corporations left for you to support, and you may have to go back to the basics and grow your own food, build your own cars, make your own clothes. And computers. And cell phones, because ... 

Microsoft doesn't advertise on alt-right sites because they're inclusive of all Americans. Microsoft LOVES the gays. Same with Apple. Hell, their CEO, Tim Cook IS one of the gays! So you get no PCs running Windows, no Macs, no iPhones, iPad, iPods or AppleWatchs. 

And don't plan on telling me what else you're boycotting on Facebook, Twitter, any of the massive reach of Google (like Google+ (yes, it still exists), blogging about it here, or ranting on YouTube). They all love the gays and diverse workforces, too. And don't advertise on alt-right sites. Maybe there's an alt-right Friend Finder out there you can use. (I just googled white power dating sites, and yes, there are several. No, I won't list them. Gopher them on your own custom-built computer hopefully running the white power Linux kernel. Yes, that exists, too. No, I won't link to it.)

More good news: You'll be in much better shape, because Ford hires the gays. And the blacks. And other minorities. So does GM. I know a couple!  And Dodge. And Toyota, Honda, Subaru.  And none of them advertise on alt-right sites. I'd tell you get on your bike, but there are a bunch of African-Americans that build (and ride) motorcycles. Same with Schwinn. And none of them advertise on alt-right websites. And that's good, for you, because Aetna, Bristol-Myers Squibb, Cardinal Health, Care Resource, CIGNA, CVS, Group Health Cooperative, Healthline, Jazz Pharmaceuticals, Johnson & Johnson, Kimberly-Clark Corp, Mass Life, McKesson, Pfizer, Procter & Gamble, St. Jude Medical, Uptown Physicians Group and United Therapeutics Corp all love the gays, so you'll likely be out of health insurance after Obamacare and Medicare are gone, and won't be able to buy bandages or wound-care from the places listed above. Don't know what some of them do? That's okay. Pfizer makes drugs, Procter & Gamble makes damn near EVERYTHING including Pampers & Luvs, so get used to cloth diapers.

So what else is happening on the boycott front?  Oh, yeah, you're boycotting Target over their bathroom policies ... while shopping WalMart because they have the Duck Dynasty stuff. Walmart also gives same-sex domestic partners benefits. #BOOM Triggered again.

But my favorite "SHOW THEM WE MATTER" protest is your on-going war on Starbucks over their lack of Christmas-themed cups. I personally don't shop there unless it's my only coffee option because I think their coffee kinda sucks. It's better than MacRonalds (who loves minorities and gays), or truck-stop coffee, but still nowhere near the top of the list. You've been at war with them for what ... three years now? Oceania was at war with Eastasia: Oceania had always been at war with Eastasia.

I do like the the new guerrilla twist in this war that's been happening here in 2016. That's some next-level protest shit right there. And I'm a military scholar. I love a good battle plan. Let's look at this & lemme get this straight:

You're protesting their support of Hillary in the election by going to their stores, kiosks and drive-thru locations, ordering their over-priced coffee, handing over your hard-earned money or Discover card (cause you can't use a Visa, Mastercard or American Express card, because they love the gays) from a job the (lazy) Mexicans haven't stolen yet, to make them write Trump when they ask for your name. That's genius-level boycotting right there, I tell ya! "We hate you. You're anti-Christian. Take my $5 and write Trump on my cup. That'll learn ya"). 

And then, if they don't, you get TRIGGERED and start yelling about the election. 

So who's left for your cracker-ass bigoted selves to shop at? Not much. I mean, if you're gonna go in, GO ALL IN and stop shopping everywhere that doesn't meet your particular political or religious beliefs. I'll even help you out:

Here are the most anti-gay corporations in America.

Get used to sustaining yourself on their wares, but pay with cash, because Visa and Mastercard and American Express love the gays. They signed with this list of 379 companies to support marriage equality in the US in 2015.
  • You can get your food (and pet food) from Chik-Fil-A, Cracker Barrel & Purina. 
  • You can get your gas at Exxon-Mobil. 
  • You can get your clothes from Salvation Army, but not Levis. They're on that list above. 

And have fun with all those boycotts. But try to find a good breakfast before you start ... but stay away from Cheerios, Chex, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Fiber ONe, Kix, Lucky Charms, Count Chocoula and his ghouls, Tiny Toas, Trix, Total, Wheaties. General Mills is on the list, too!

Now gimme those Hamilton tickets.

Cops threaten to play Nickleback to OVI offenders. I write a parody of Nickleback based on it.

So the fine Canadian police officers in Prince Edward Island are threatening to force people caught driving drunk to listen to Nickelback. No, for reals!

And between you and me, that would never fly in America. It's probably at best against the Geneva Convention. I mean, let's be serious: One Nickelback song sounds just like every other Nickelback song. And that shit is torture. And probably unconstitutional. At worst, it's basically the same song 97 times in a row (current catalog at the time of this blog post).

So me being me, I decided to spice things up and have a guy write a Nickelback song parody about getting pulled over for having too much to drink and driving, which is never smart. And no, for the record, I was not asked to blow into a plastic straw.

So I give you ... "Plastic Straw" sung to the tune of "Photograph" ... or 96 other similar-sounding Nickelback songs:

Plastic Straw

He said "Blow in this plastic straw. 
You were part of that goddamned bar crawl.
You should see your eyes are so red
You're lucky you could have wound up dead.

"And please don't give me no shit.
You're drunk as fuck and cannot deny it. 
There's no way you can walk a line. 
Probably looking at some weekend time. 

"Please don't puke in my car. 
Gimme the name of that goddamned bar
That over-served you, they are goin' down
I'm sick of working in a college town.

"You can't fight while you're drunk. 
You think you're tough? You're a fucking punk. 
You should've handed the keys to a friend
Your buzz is really gonna quickly end"
Oh, whoa, it just hit me God, I

I am handcuffed in the backseat of a police car
I should have got an Uber ride home from that bar 
It's hard to say
Fucked up today, today
I got no memory of walkin' out of the bar door
Gonna find my photo on the internet for sure 
It's time to face it
Judge will say it
Jail Time ... jail tiiiiime

Remember working at the pizza place?
We'd get so drunk we couldn't feel our face
The cops fucked with us walking home
I hear somebody made it a golf dome

We use to rule that jukebox
Sang along with every song that rocks 
We said someday we'd find out how it feels
To sing to more than just a cutting wheel

Your sister's the first girl I kissed
I never told you cause you'd be hot pissed
She finally came out as a lesbian
I haven't seen her since God knows when
Oh, God, it my fault? I

I am handcuffed in the backseat of a police car
I should have got an Uber ride home from that bar 
It's hard to say
Fucked up today, today
I got no memory of walkin' out of the bar door
Gonna find my photo on the internet for sure 
It's time to face it
Judge will say it
Jail Time ... jail tiiiiime

I don't miss that town
I don't miss their faces
Alcohol erases
Brain cells can't replace it
I don't miss it now
I can believe it
So hard to stay
Real easy to leave it

If I could relive this night 
I know the one thing that I would do right

I'd get an Uber or a taxi ride home from that bar
There's no way I'd get behind the wheel of my car
I have to say it
Time to say it.
Jail Time ... Jail tiiiime.
I got no memory of walkin' out of the bar door
Now my photo’s on the internet, I know for sure 
It's time to face it
Judge will say it
Jail Time ... jail tiiiiime

He said "Blow in this plastic straw. 
You were part of that goddamned bar crawl.
You were part of that damned


Because This is How America Works

I admit it. I was wrong. Donald Trump has won the presidency. Regardless of how the popular vote goes, presidents are not elected by popular vote. It's the Electoral Collage. Because this is how America works.

On the second Wednesday after the first Tuesday in November of a Leap Year, America historically has a reset. We have a new, or re-elected, president. New, or re-elected House of Representatives, and one-third new or re-elected Senators. Because this is how America works.

It would be easy (especially for me) to rant, rave, throw things, kick puppies, (well, maybe not kick puppies), swear, threaten to move (oh, wait, I just covered that, I can't get into Canada) or the like, But I'm not going to do that. America has spoken. Our half-black progressive-leaning gay-loving president maybe went a bit too far on the pendulum, and now America has decided to swing it back the other direction.  Because this is how America works.

To my friends who supported Donald Trump, congratulations. Your candidate won. Moving forward, I will no longer refer to him by any of the names I called him during the election cycle, as he will be president, and I have respect for the office. Moving forward, I will refer to him as President-Elect until January 20th, then as President Trump. Because this is how America works.

I will not say he is not my president, or that I didn't elect him. I will not leave this country. I will not turn my back on politics, or the political process. I'm an American. He's the President-Elect of the United States of America. He will be my president on January 20, 2017. Because this is how America works.

To my friends who did not support President-Elect Trump, I see your pain. And I feel it too. But don't give up. We can't give up. We have to look at what happened. Take it in. Examine it. Digest it. Fix it. Starting in 2018. And try again in 2020. Because this is how America works.

In the short-term, feel free to blame the DNC. The Clintons. The Russians. Fox News. Your racist uncle. The FBI. CNN. WikiLeaks. People who believed WikiLeaks. Print Media. Gary Johnson. Jill Stein. Whoeverthehell that Mormon guy was. Blame whoever you want. It doesn't matter. Blaming anyone never fixed anything. And this isn't the time for the "Don't Blame Me I Voted For Her" or "Don't Blame Me I Wanted Bernie" mentality. This is the time to mobilize. To organize. To remain or become vigilant in your actions, and speech, and set the stage for 2018's mid-term elections. And 2020 general election. Because this is how America works.

It's time to look to the future. While campaigning, President-Elect Trump made spouted some crazy solutions. And who knows, maybe some of them will work. Maybe a new direction IS needed in Washington, and maybe he can bring it. We need to work on our infrastructure. Our roads, bridges, schools, water delivery systems (remember Flint, Michigan?). Want to "Make America Great Again," President-Elect Trump? Move your industries to America (notice I did not say "Back to America" because they've never been here). Want to employ Americans and recreate the middle class? Buy American-made steel for your buildings. America works when Americans work. Because this is how America works.

And, because this is how America works, President-Elect Trump will have a Republican House of Representatives, a Republican Senate, and a majority of state legislatures led by Republicans. There should literally be NOTHING in the way of stopping the Trump Train. Perhaps, for the first time since President Obama had a Democratic House & Senate his first two years in office, something can get done in Washington. Because this is how America works.

If not, or if the Republicans who have said they can not support a President Trump follow through with their actions, and again, nothing gets done, Americans have a choice in 2018 to reshuffle the House and one-third of the Senate in the mid-term elections (yes, they still happen).  As it happened in 2010, when the Tea Party swept into the  national spotlight and the Republicans gained six Senate seats and 63 House seats. Because this is how America works.

Politics aside, if you woke up on Wednesday, regardless of how you voted, or if you voted, you're alive. You have a voice. You still have your Constitutional rights, and nobody's dragging you off to prison for words you say, or thoughts you have as long as you're not inspiring hate, or hurting others. Because this is how America works.

Americas overwhelmingly came to the polls, and voted what's in their hearts, heads, and beings. And we have the President-Elect we have, and the Congress, and the Senate. Now we have to make them work. For us. Because this is how America works.


Emotional Lashing Out is The New Black, Apparently

Dear Everyone Saying They Are Moving To Other Countries If The Other Candidate Is Elected:


Just shut your piehole and turn off your cable news channel. You're not going anywhere, and you and I both know it. It's emotional lashing, and it's worthless.

If you're a Conservative, and you're threatening to move to Canada if Hillary Clinton is elected, you're an idiot. 

You're terrified of Hillary's America with open borders, gay rights, restrictive gun laws, abortion on demand and universal health care? So you're moving to Canada? A country that in 2015 elected Justin Trudeau as their Prime Minister (he's like the president of Canada) And since he's not American, and you watch Faux Noise most of the time, which usually doesn't much cover Canada or liberals, let alone Canadian liberals, here's 11 things you need to know about your future Prime Minister:

  • Justin Trudeau wants to add 25,000 Syrian refugees. A year. To the 10,000 per year they're already taking in.
  • Justin Trudeau has promised to legalize marijuana.
  • Justin Trudeau wants to end his country's involvement in aerial attacks against ISIS.
  • Justin Trudeau believes we have to fight climate change.
  • Justin Trudeau believes in boosting government spending.
  • Justin Trudeau raised taxes on the wealthy.
  • Justin Trudeau loves the gays. And the transgenders, too. 
  • Justin Trudeau is against the Keystone XL Oil Pipeline.
  • Justin Trudeau is in favor of normalizing Canada's relationship with Iran.
  • Justin Trudeau restored the role of science in government and national policy.
  • Justin Trudeau has a gender-balanced cabinet of 15 men and 15 women, because, "Hey, it's 2015." (His answer, when asked why he appointed 15 women to prominent cabinet positions.)
So stop claiming you're moving to Canada. It's a Liberal Heaven and your personal hell. Nearly 30% of the country doesn't believe in your god, and you think there's a war on Christmas here? Canadians love Christmas. And Boxing Day. (That's when you box up your leftovers, and clothes you replaced, and toys you outgrew and pass them down to someone less fortunate than you), but they respect the views of others so "Happy Holidays" is a very Canadian thing to say.

Face it, they don't want you, and you wouldn't fit in. Besides, you can't bring your guns, so if you do move, you've just given up your guns voluntarily, to Hillary. So much for that "From My Cold Dead Hands" shit. Your hands, however, would be cold. Canada is cold. And they use the Metric System. And gay marriage isn't even questioned. See, not a place for you.

If you're a Liberal, and think Canada sounds like a heck of a great place based on all of the above if Trump wins, you're an idiot. 

You're terrified of Trump's America but forget that the same people who stonewalled President Obama for six years will not only be there stonewalling Trump for four years, but be joined by a majority of the Democrats in the House and Senate as well. And that's against a Constitutional Lawyer, who has patience, and grace. You thought the 114th Congress did jack shit? Wait until you see the 115th. Think Trump tweets are mad now? Wait until he's stonewalled, repeatedly, and legally can't do shit about it. Because he doesn't understand how government or politics work, let alone work together. His "My way or no way" won't work in Washington. Ever.

Then, after two disastrous years with nothing being done and nothing happening (including that wall), and without Hillary in prison (because, well, that's not how politics works in America, you can't imprison your enemies), and a mid-term election in 2018, the 116th Congress would continue the task. Because while some democrats in Congress liked Bernie, and some liked Hillary, but none of them like Trump.

Politics aside, think about all the culture change you'd have:

  • Their milk comes in plastic bags. In plastic bags. Milk bags are plastic bags that contain milk. They are usually stored in a pitcher or jug with one of the corners cut off to allow for pouring. A typical milk bag contains approximately 1 13 liters and are sold in bigger bags of three for a total of four liters. Or litres, as they spell it.
  • Because they use the British spelling of words like honour, colour and valour, Travelling has two L's. Metre, Centre, Litre. The list goes on.
  • And you'd have to learn French. Not high-school French, real Canadian French.
  • You'd have to learn to eat curds on top of stuff; KD by the week (Kraft Dinner, aka Mac & Cheese, is a Canadian staple), and gravy on your fries.  Gravy.  
  • You'd have to learn about the 13 provinces and three territories that comprise Canada, their people, traditions and ways of life, which are very different. 
  • Toronto is NOT the capital of Canada. 
  • You can't call the native Canadians Eskimos. That's like saying the N word. Inuit is their preferred nomenclature.
  • The $20 in your pocket may be worth about $26 Canadian dollars, but their economy is tanking due to Alberta (that's in Western Canada) oil industry.
  • Speaking of money, their cash is plastic, and some of it see-through. They have queens and kings on them, but they don't have pennies. Everything is rounded to the nickle. They have a dollar coin. Called a Loonie. And a $2 coin. Called The Twoonie. 
  • Zed is the last letter of the alphabet. Not Z. Zed.
  • It takes 18-30 months to become a permanent resident of Canada. During that time you can't change jobs or apply for national medical coverage. Trump, if elected, won't make it 30 months. 
  • Canada's rednecks are SERIOUSLY more backwoods than American rednecks.
  • Bears. Lots of bears.
And besides, so many people claim they're "going to do something if" this candidate is or is not elected, and never does. Rush Limbaugh vowed to move to Costa Rica if Obamacare was implemented. He's still here. Sadly. Remember when Eddie Vedder said he'd leave if W was elected in 2000? Still here. Or Stephen Baldwin when Obama was elected? Never left, but hasn't been seen much lately, either. 

But if you think you're packing up your shit and moving to Canada on Wednesday, bad news:  First, to get to Canada, you need a passport. Oh, you have one? Good. Then you need a reason to go. Vacation works, but not with a U-Haul. And unless you're sitting on stacks of fat cash, buying new shit once you get there isn't as appealing with a 5-15% Value-Added Tax on things. And it snows. A lot. So if you hate the cold, you're out. And, despite what you think, you just can't come at the drop of a hat. You need a job, or to get accepted to university (what they call college) and have to have a work permit or a study permit. 

Just for shits & giggles, I took the Express Entry test to see if I could get into Canada, and having spent summers there thought I'd have a pretty good chance. Nope. I didn't pass the test to emigrate to Canada. And I doubt most of you would, either. Canada's looking for smart people, with skills. But, if you're curious ... Find out if you're eligible to apply ...

Regardless, abandoning your country because of a President? Lame. Presidents serve, at most, eight years. With these two being 70 (DJT) and 69 (HRC), who knows if Grandma President or Cheeto President would survive the stress. Look at President Obama before and after eight years. This is what Trump and Clinton would look like after four.

Oh, and threatening to leave your country based on who's in charge for a short amount of time is cowardly. Stay and fight for your country, or go to France. They like those who surrender. And pack your false patriotism with you. Because you're not leaving, on either side, regardless of who's elected. So stop saying it.

But go vote. No, seriously. We made this mess, we have to live with it for four years. Then we can reboot.


Just a Juggalo ... another Song Parody

Normally, I listen to sports talk radio in my 10 minute drive to work. Since today was Saturday, both stations had local shows, which are usually awful. Today was no exception. One was all about high school football, which I despise. The other was all about the Browns, and there's a guy who says "Um-hmmm" about three or four times a minute, making the show completely unlistenable. So I flipped on a classic rock station and heard David Lee Roth's cover of "Just A Gigolo" and though that the Fam of ICP fans known as Juggalos and Juggalettes should have their own version of this. So I give you ... "Just a Juggalo" ... you're welcome.

I'm just a Juggalo and everywhere I go
People hear my ICP playing
Employment I got none, I do this for fun
Ooh, and Faygo-spraying

There will come a day when Violent J will pass away
What will Shaggy say to the Gathering
When the end comes, I know
We was all just a Juggalos
Whoop Whoop, Ninja, without me

I'm just a Juggalo and everywhere I go
People hear my ICP playing
Chedda, I got none, Runnin with a hatchet is fun
Ooh, and Faygo-spraying

And there will come a day when Shaggy 2 Dope will pass away
What will Violent J say to the Gathering
When the end comes, I know
We was all just a Juggalos
Whoop Whoop, Ninja, without me

I ain't got no Juggalette
No Juggalette cares for me
No Juggalette cares for me
I'm so sad and Assed Out
Sad and Assed Out, sad and Assed Out
Won't some sweet Juggalette come and take a chance with me?
'Cause I ain't no pussy

An' I'll sing her Clown Love songs
All of the time
She will only be, only be
Bip boz dee, Whoop Whoop, biddly bop

I ain't got no Juggalette
No Juggalette cares for me
No Juggalette cares for me
No Juggalette cares for me
No Juggalette cares for me

Humala bebuhla zeebuhla boobuhla
Humala bebuhla Whoop Whoop

I ain't got no Juggalette
No Juggalette cares for me
No Juggalette cares for me
I'm so sad and lonely
Sad and lonely, sad and lonely
Won't some sweet Juggalette come and take a chance with me?
'Cause I need a Ryda

An' I'll sing her Clown Love songs
All of the time
She will only be, only be
Bip boz dee, Whoop Whoop, biddly bop

Ain't got no Juggalette 
There's no Juggalette (Juggalette)
There's no Juggalette (Juggalette)
There's no Juggalette (Juggalette)
There's no Juggalette (Juggalette)
There's no Juggalette (no one)
There's no Juggalette (no one)
Whoop Whoop (Whoop Whoop)
Ting Ting (ting ting)
710npen 710npen (710npen 710npen)
Smeh Smuh (Smeh Smuh)
Juggalo Island (Juggalo Island)
No Juggalette (Juggalette)
No, no Juggalette (no, no Juggalette)
No Juggalette (Juggalette)
No Juggalette (Juggalette)
No Juggalette (Juggalette)
No Juggalette (Juggalette)
No Xoloto cares for me


If you're memeing "Trump's doing It Right" ... you're doing it wrong.

There's a new meme floating around about how if you're pissing off both parties (as DJTrumpleThinSkin is), you must be "doing it right".  

Seriously? This is how you determine Trump's doing it right:

So "doing it right" means you parade a bunch of D-list celebs and underwear models on stage at your party's convention who are constantly calling for the imprisonment and DEATH of your political opponent?

So "doing it right" means insulting the parents of a military member who died defending his troops? And then doubling down and defending that platform for days? And having your spokesperson try to shift that blame to President Obama, who was a first-term Senator in 2004?

So "doing it right" means we go back to the Bush era "Enhanced Interrogations" so we can torture enemy combatants and suspected terrorists?

So "doing it right' means getting rid of the Geneva Convention because you don't understand it and think it's anchient and no longer relevant?
So "doing it right" means you mock the handicapped?

So "doing it right" means not understanding that nuclear weapons are a weapon of last use, not first use? Nine countries have nukes. We are the only country to ever use them. And if they do get used again? Nobody will have them For a very long time. Because we will all be dead. That's called Mutually Assured Destruction.

So "doing it right" means insulting an entire religion based on the behavior of less than one half of one percent? Repeatedly?

So "doing it right" means insulting an entire race by saying the Hispanics coming across the border are rapists and drug abusers and lazy, yet at the same time saying they're stealing our jobs? How does that happen?

So "doing it right" means spitting out bumper sticker slogans that will never happen? You're not building a wall along the Mexican border and Mexico's not paying for it. It's logistically impossible and completely unpossible to make Mexico pay for it. Yeah, I used unpossible. Because it fits with your un-ability (not inability) to understand construction logistics. Also, the Mexicans are now building tunnels.

So "doing it right" means deporting 11 million undocumented aliens and their children who are citizens despite the Constitution prohibiting it?

So "doing it right" means if American citizens who are Muslims leave the country you want to not let them come home again, despite the Constitution prohibiting that, too?

So "doing it right" means insulting one of the highest ranking members of your party, who served 24 years in the military including 5 years, 4 months, 2 weeks, 2 days as a prisoner of war in Vietnam by telling him you like people who didn't get captured while you avoided serving by using four college draft deferments then claiming to have bone spurs in your heels? 

So "doing it right" means repeatedly screaming "Make America Great Again"? 

Let me ask you this, Donald Trump and Trump parakeets:

When was America great? 

  • When white people had brown people as slaves (1776-1863)?
  • When the North and South were at war and brothers were fighting brothers (1861-1865)? 
  • When we were slaughtering the natives of this land (1619-1920)?
  • When we were sending our best and bravest to Europe to defeat fascism in the 1910's and again 1940's?
  • When white males ran everything and brown people had to use different entrances and water fountains (1865-1968)? 
  • During the Vietnam War (1962-1975)? 
  • During the energy crisis and recession under Presidents Ford Carter when the Steel Mills all shut down (1974-1981)? 
  • When President Reagan gutted the middle class (1981-1988)? 
  • When President Bush The First gutted the military then fought a half-assed war in Iraq but stopped before the war was won (1989-1992)?  
  • When Bill Clinton was banging every woman in site while the Tech bubble was building and burst (1992-2000)?
  • Was it between 1/20/2001 and 9/11/2001 before we were punched in the face by Islamic terrorists resulting in two wars so President  Bush the Second could finish Daddy's war? (2001-2008)
  • Was it when the Gulf Coast was ravaged by Hurricanes and people still blame President Obama, even though he was a first-term senator in 2006? 

I ask because you've made it clear America's not been great since January 20, 2009, when President Obama took office.

I completely disagree. Here are some big reasons:

  • U.S. businesses have added 15 million jobs since private-sector job growth turned positive in early 2010 after losing jobs in 24 of the 25 prior months starting in 2008.
  • President Obama has cut the deficit in half. He is the only President ever to reduce the deficit every full year in office.
  • President Obama has cut the unemployment rate in half. 
  • Six consecutive Presidents promised to pass Health Care Reform. President Obama kept that promise.
  • President Obama is the first president to reduce the number of illegals in our country.
  • President Obama ended our deepest recession. 
  • President Obama oversaw the military operation that killed our greatest enemy, Osama Bin Laden.
  • President Obama has kept us safe. Safer than any other President in our lifetimes.

Personally, I think America has always been great. But I want America to be BETTER:

  • I want America to be better for people of all skin colors, races and religions, regardless of who they love or identify as. 
  • I want America to better understand and embrace science. Wind and solar power are NOT finite resources. We can harness them and use them for clean energy without ever running out of them. Until the sun goes supernova in about five BILLION years.
  • I want America to be better with Citizens United overturned so billionaires can't buy elections.
  • I want America to be great again without political parties gerrymandering congressional districts to stack state legislatures.
  • I want America to be better with the Supreme Court moderate.
  • I want America to be better with a woman having the right to choose what she does with her body.
  • I want America to be better in dealing with mental health so we can stop this run of mass shootings.
  • I want America to be better by having the police be the police, not the judge, jury and executioner. Give them better training, give them better protection and give them the ability to root out the bad cops and stop making them revenue generators, because
  • I want America to be better where we don't have for-profit prisons so there's no money to be made on incarceration.
  • I want America to be better by taking greater steps towards a single-payer healthcare solution like the rest of the civilized world has so Americans don't have to have GoFundMe pages to pay for surgery, recovery, medications and living expenses while unable to work due to a medical condition.  
  • I want America to be better at taking care of its veterans, If you vote to send them to war, vote to take care of them when they come home.

American has has always been great. And at the same time been awful for certain groups of citizens, but we learn, we grow, we evolve, we keep getting better.  America has gotten better for a lot of people in the last eight years under President Obama that haven't had it so great. And that will continue under President Hillary Clinton. Remember, elections are a lot like driving. D moves you forward, R moves you back. #ImWithHer


I've figured out Donald Trump's Presidential Run

I think I've figured this Trump thing out. No, really.  Let me explain it to you:

-- Adjusts tin-foil hat.
-- Gets on podium.
-- Looks for snipers in the rafters.
-- Gets cue from cameraman in 3-2-1 ... and GO!

In March of 2015, Donald Trump was pretty silent for the first two weeks. His own website has nothing from February 27, 2015 to March 17, 2015 when he decided to launch a presidential exploratory committee. News EVERY DAY since, and plenty of news prior to February's visit to Charleston, South Carolina. Why the disappearance? He was in the hospital and learned he has some sort of non-degenerating terminal illness that is incurable, despite his billions of dollars. It's directly related to the insane amount and content of the product he uses to control the interface with the space alien living on his head (Seriously, what else could it be?) 

The doctors gave Donald exactly 24 months to live (before the alien dies and because of the symbiotic relationship, the host dies too), so he decided to run for president, and do something so outlandish and outrageous that his name will never be forgotten. EVER. 

Let's remember, Trump is tight with Vladimir Putin. His campaign adviser, Paul Manafort, was a political consultant for the pro-Russia political party in Ukraine and for a former president, Viktor Yanukovych, who was forced out of office by anti-Russian forces in 2014.  Putin's ego is about the same size as Trump's ... and by that we mean it's YUUUUUGE! Of course, Trump's ego, like other claims about the size of things is YUUUUUGE too. And both want to never be forgotten. They want to do something so outlandish that their names will never be left out of the history of this planet.

So, Putin, Manafort and Trump decide they will do all they can to get Trump into the White House in 2016, then, in early 2017, right before the space alien on his head dies, and with it, Trump, Putin & Donny will have a summit meeting in Russia to kick off "historic talks to forever rid the world of the" whateverthehell demon-spawn of evil they decide (i.e. Fox News and Soviet blogger trolls) needs to be extinguished, whether it's radical Islam, the Chinese, or the Mexican rapists & drub abusers. Or some new threat they agree upon. Maybe the blacks. Whatever, they need a boogie man, they'll make one.

So they're at this "historic summit" in Russia, and Putin, knowing Trump has weeks left to live, and with both their names to be forever etched in history, Putin, on live TV, will kill Trump, instantly making every American hate the Russians again, this time for assassinating the president, who we really never liked or thought was qualified, which leads to the start of World War III and Mike Pence pretty much ends modern civilization as we know it by launching all of our Resurrection Nukes on those GODLESS COMMIES (and one falls short, hits San Francisco and the gays, because if there's anything Pence hates more than the GODLESS COMMIES, it's the gays)

Those who survive will remember and share the names of Vladimir Putin and Donald J. Trump for all of the next recorded history, where mankind has learned that neither religion nor science will save you and we all live together as one people, regardless of race, skin color, sexuality, religion or Geiger-counter readings. 

Far-fetched? Nope. Think about all the insanity that has occurred here. In October 2015, Trump had a 10.3 percent chance of making to the convention according to the bookies.

Then he goes out and destroys the field in the debates, losing only to John Kasich in Ohio (his home state), and Ted Cruz in Texas (his home state) and 10 others. Trump won 39 states. As a political newbie. By being just outrageous as he could be on TV, and in person, and when confronted. By insulting anyone and everyone he could. Mexicans. Women. The Blacks. The Gays. The Pope. And pretty much everyone else who isn't a rich, white American male. And talks about how effective of a leader Saddam Hussein was. And Putin.

And after he accepted the nomination, he spent 75 minutes talking mostly about himself. At a convention that was four days of fear, fear mongering and Hillary bashing, with Donald's family members praising his name, TV stars talking about his greatness and not one but two underwear models on stage (golfer Natalie Gulbis, once posed for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition).

And BOOM! Just like that, at the end of the convention, he was tied with Hillary Clinton, depending on your choice of polls. I use this one. But with the Dems taking over in Philly, knowing they'd get a bounce after their event, he decided to raise the crazy level to full-speed ahead and get all Twittery, blasting away at every speaker EXCEPT Michelle Obama!

Then, as part of this grand plan to put Trump over the top, the Russians hack the DNC and release tens of thousands of emails and thousands of voice messages showing Crooked Hillary and the DNC did all they could do to steal the primaries from Bernie Sanders to make Hillary look weak. And they succeeded, for a bit. But ... Days after the RNC Convention ended, after Trump accepted the nomination, had Vlad go through with getting the
Russian Internet Trolls to get the Bernie or Bust crowd all riled up, the alien race who's probe landed in his head sends him a message that they can send a replacement symbiot, and that Trump doesn't have to die in March 2017.


Now that Trump knows he can live, surviving for years (probably on the souls of small children, but that's another rant), and realizes there's no way at all he can handle the presidency and for sure doesn't want Putin to kill him, kicking off World War Three as they agreed upon, he starts to panic. He figures the best way to NOT be president is to throw the election. Because he can't quit. So he gets on Twitter, and on TV and in the newspapers and just starts shredding everyone. Just this week, he has ... 

  • The New York Post, a paper who's ALREADY ENDORSED HIM, nude photos of his wife to run on the Sunday cover showing her in everything from her birthday suit to the arms of another woman, while representing the party that gave Michelle Obama grief for wearing a sleeveless gown and has called porn a public health crisis in their 2016 party platform. And they still love him.
  • Yelled to have a baby removed from a stump speech. They still love him.
  • He attacks Gold Star Mothers. Mothers who have lost sons in the Global War on Terror. Two of them. The "patriotic" still love him.
  • He attacks not one but two city fire directors for limiting the size of his audiences due to fire code restrictions in the venue HIS team agreed to, all while saying he loves first responders and is going to be the Law & Order Candidate. And they still love him.
  • He accepts -- as a gift -- one of the nation's highest military awards -- given ONLY to men and women killed or wounded in military action -- and says “I always wanted to get the Purple Heart. This was much easier." while sitting on FIVE draft-deferments during the Vietnam War, where he could have earned one, the proper way. 

He's doing all of this because he doesn't want to be president. 

Because he found out the space alien on his head can be replaced & he's not going to die, and now he doesn't want Putin to assassinate him.  

But the mouth-breathing racists and the three or four thousand people in every state who honestly believe in him, keep eating it up and keep encouraging him to run.

I don't think he'll last until November. When Putin reads this, he's gonna give Donny Boy the Alexander Litvinenko treatment.