Quick Wrap of 2006

Quick Wrap of my 2006:

• Loved - twice. Same person.
  
• Lost Love - twice. Same person.
• Job - Changed. Once. Good thing.
  
• Moved - Once.
• Car - Out with Lumey, in with Icey. Good thing.
  
• Music - too much to mention. Most of it great. Some of it downright awful.
• Roadtrips - 17 states and Canada this year. Seriously. All but three states were while chasing music. Seriously.
• Bodies of water traversed - two. Atlantic Ocean whale-watching; Mississippi Riverboat Cruise.

In-Depth Highlights:

• Seeing the genius that is Aaron Tashjian solo multiple times in multiple states in multiple formations (Autumn Under Echoes; Swig Tooth; solo; Semi-Precious Weapons). Amazing songwriter. Amazing guitarist. Amazing person.
  
  
• Whale-watching with Kara on the Atlantic - she was amazed. One of the things I love most is seeing the look on someone's face when they experience something that amazing. Personally, I've not been on a whale watch that didn't make me cry - seeing those amazing creatures that close is humbling.
  
  
• Seeing my daughter pet and feed her favorite water-based mammal - a beluga whale - at Marineland in Niagara Falls.
  
  
• Meeting Justin "Precious" Tranter - the face and voice of Semi-Precious Weapons.
  
  
• Seeing Semi-Precious Weapons live four times. (Columbus, twice; Chicago, Pittsburgh)
  
  
• Putting 33,000+ miles on my car in 8 months.
  
  
• My new job - and all the things I'm learning.
  
  
• The fact my new job is in Youngstown - moving me back to the area I was born in, and much closer to my daughter than Columbus.
  
  
• The new friends I've made this year.
  
  
• The 'friends' I unmade this year.
  
  
• Rediscovering my love of photography, and buying a new digital SLR.
  
  
• Rediscovering my love of writing (heh heh ... as the more than 200 blog entries this year show)
  
  
• The old friends I reconnected with this year.
  
  
• Meeting one of my musical heroes, Jeffrey Gaines.
  
  
• Meeting and hanging out with the guys from Watershed; Rob James from the Clarks; Mr. and Mrs. Nye and their associated family members.
  
  
• Making Mr. Nye crack up mid-lyric and laugh during the final show of Rockhouse.
  
  
• Talking music, life and alcoholic beverages with Quinn Fallon of the X-Rated Cowboys.
  
  
• Hanging out with Donnette when I needed a friend - or she did.
  

Let Saddam Dangle - a song

(An original Eric Broz parody of the Elvis Costello song "Let Him Dangle" from the massively underrated album "Spike")

Let Saddam Dangle
(Sung to the tune of "Let Him Dangle" by Elvis Costello)

Saddam turned on the gas, said "I kill Kurds like this"
Most Iraqis still don't know today just why he did it
Captured in a spider hole just outside of Tikrit
Sentenced to die by an Iraqi judge who wouldn't take his shit
Let him dangle
Let him dangle

Saddam would not surrender even while under arrest
He told the Iraqi judge he was still the President
The judge said sit down, man, you've got nothing to say
You're gonna die by hanging before the sun makes it day
Let him dangle
Let him dangle

Saddam killed hundreds of thousands of his own kind
Women raped, children gassed, he never seemed to mind
Though guilty was the verdict, and he knew he'd end up dead
He said "Lets live in peace" - yeah, that's what he said
Let him dangle
Let him dangle

Well it was hard to imagine how his world did change
He went from living in a palace to living in a cage
He killed so many people he lost sense of the crime
And his countrymen said let's not waste any time
Let him dangle

Not many people thought that Saddam would hang
But the word never came, the phone never rang
Outside the Green Zone the world watched on TV
For the pictures - the proof - the body they wanted to see
Let him dangle

Charged with killing 148 in cold blooded murder
Bring "back the noose" was the cry that was heard
They told him he would hang and he still did disbelieve
He killed his friends and enemies there's no one left to grieve
Let him dangle
Let him dangle
(String him up)

Editorial Cartoon of the Year

Because I said so.

This is subtle on many levels.

And it follows the Chick McGee Rule 12:

Funny trumps all. It might hurt. It might hurt me to share it. But funny trumps all.



Click the image to see full size

Song of the Day

Give Me Strength
(unknown if this is the actual title or not)
~David Ford

The tide came in, it nearly buried us here
We saw things like they wouldn't believe
You hear a lot of stories about love and romance
But I swear nothing quite like you and me

And every scar sits like a marker
And every line on the face, it's a small souvenir
Of all the place be they good, or be they bad
We stopped into on the journey to here

So maybe I lost my sense of direction
But I'm alright now
Every man needs a little affection
So I'm alright now

And there were times when you were right, I'll confess
I did things of which I am not proud
Everybody walks through the same coloured shit
But it doesn't drag everyone down

Maybe I was stupid, maybe I was insensitive
I was all the things I said I never would be
I've seen a lot of foolish behaviour in my time
But I tell you, they've got nothing on me

So maybe I lost my sense of direction
But I'm alright now
Every man needs a little affection
So I'm alright now
Sing along if your heart's finished bleeding
Yeah I'm alright now
Give me strength, give me something to believe in
So I'm alright now

All the evenings of sublime self destruction
To the tune of a thousand cigarettes
Where every nail driven into your spirit
Wasn't able to sink you just yet

Television's just a weak anaesthetic
To numb the senses till you're out like a light
Like all the drugs that seem to promise you the earth
And then they don't keep you warm in the night

So maybe I lost my sense of direction
But I'm alright now
Every man needs a little affection
So I'm alright now
Give me strength, give me something to believe in
Yeah I'm alright now
Sing along if your heart's finished bleeding
So I'm alright now

I'm alright now
I'm alright

It's like I cannot sleep for dreaming
This is everything I ever hoped it could possibly be
A lot of stories end happily ever after
But I swear nothing quite like you and me

An Open Letter to Ronald M.

Dear Ronald,

It is with much sadness I must tell you, our relationship is over.

Yes, I can no longer eat at your fine chain of dining establishments.

It's not that I don't like your food. Your coffee is legendary, the apple pies totally tasty, and every so often I need a dose of the grease that is a quarter pounder to get things moving, if you know what I mean.

And I think you do.

So why am I ending our relationship?

No, it's not another new year's resolution of better eating. I know the occasional greaseburger in and amongst itself isn't going to kill me.

You see, around eight this morning, at your fine dining establishment at the intersection of Salt-Springs Road and US Route 422 in Mineral Ridge, Ohio, I had an eye-opening experience when I stopped to get a coffee.

The line at the drive-thru was quite long, but there was only one person inside at the counter, so I parked and went in.

Yes, like most relationships, when you open that door unexpectedly, sometimes what you see will change your whole outlook on the relationship.

As I stood at the counter waiting to order my coffee, I was looking over the menu trying to figure out what would go well with the coffee. What was I hungry for? A McGriddle? An Egg McMuffin? Perhaps even a Sausage Biscuit.

Then it all went downhill, fast.

One of the managers (I could tell by the white shirt she was wearing) in the food prep area walked away from the breakfast-sandwich building counter to spit a big loogie into a trash can - right next to the fry-a-lator.

Seeing that someone who was about to make the food I was planning on eating is sick will do wonders to cure your appetite. However, that's why I'm breaking up with you.

As I stood there, still kind of shocked to have seen someone in the food prep area of a restaurant spit into a trash can, the inbred and/or retarded looking fry-a-lator girl pulled a rack of hash browns out of the grease. As they dripped dry, she grabbed another rack from the stack behind the trash can the white-shirted manager just spit into, and put it into the holder to load up with more frozen potato goodness.

Apparently that much physical activity caused her some sort of wardrobe malfunction.

She stopped, and reached into the one-size-fits-most elastic-waisted black stretch pants issued by your fine corporation (I could tell by the Golden Arch logo on the ass) to tuck the one-size-fits-most 2x maroon shirt back into place.

I worked fast food, for that big-headed guy they call the King. I know you're not friends, but you have a lot of things in common. Bad fitting uniforms are high on the list. I know that the uniforms he gives, as well as yours, are not only made of the cheapest material available to third-world sweatshops, they're ill-fitting as well.

And I've worked in advertising, too, and I know that you use actors in your commercials, because I've not seen an attractive person over the age of 18 working at any of your establishments in my lifetime.

The closest the fry-a-lator hash brown woman will come to a McDonald's commercial is if she stands next to the television when one is broadcast. I'm not talking about her looks - I'm just talking body shape. She is high waisted and short-torsoed with a lumpy ass, a lumpy belly, but not a lumpy chest.

No, that's not an insult. For the record, I'm one of the few white guys in the world who will admit I like pear-shaped women with big asses.

But back to fry-a-lator girl.

Because of her odd body shape, the ill-fitting, one-size-fits-most shirt was extra big on her, and hanging well below the waist, in both the front and back.

That, my large-footed, red-haired friend, is not a guess.

I know this is fact because I watched her reach down to about mid-thigh on both the front the front and back of her pants, adjusting the shirt.

Bare handed.

When she was finished - and that whole process took about 30 seconds and included her smoothing the ass area of her pants from inside her pants - she then turned back to the fry-a-lator.

And with the same hands she just had down the front - and back - of her one-size-fits-most elastic-waisted black stretch pants, opened the bag of frozen hash browns, reached in the bag and loaded the hash browns in the rack.

Bare handed.

Without washing her hands in the sink right next to the fry-a-lator.

That's why were breaking up.

If I'm going to have a close encounter with the ass area of a woman, it's gonna be on my terms, be my decision, or be the result an involuntary buck of her hips that moves the field of play. It will not be because an inbred/retarded fry-a-lator girl leaves fecal matter on my hash browns.

Good luck in the future.

Sincerely,

Me.

Benefits of dating a Geek

• Your computer will be updated, repaired and cleaned, free of charge.
  
• Your house gets networked - wirelessly - and securely.
  
• Free labor on all computer hardware upgrades and repairs.
  
• Usually free parts, too, from the extensive parts collection stored in computer boxes in the spare room (or is that just me?).
  
• They say cops have the best dope ... geeks have the best software.
  
• Eventually you'll understand the obscure pop-culture references in most office conversations.
  
• Invites (and probably a paid entry) to all the coolest sci-fi, gaming and comic book conventions.
  
• Infinite resource of technical information - yes, we know the right memory card for your camera, how many songs you can fit on your ipod and the binary hash of your cell phone.
  
• High quality copies of your favorite movies, usually while they're still in the theater.
  
• No chance of becoming a golf widow as we tend to avoid direct sunlight.
  
• We're pretty good at the sex thing - we read the right books.
  

Aaron Tashjian Solo

So I'm remiss in the midst of my ranting today because I forgot to mention I went to Seattle's in Wooster on Saturday for a night of three great singer-songwriters doing an acoustic showcase.

Seattle's is a great place in the middle of nowhere (Hello Wooster!) with good beer, good coffee and Sami who will serve you both!

Saturday night was Aaron Tashjian (of Swig Tooth / Semi-Precious Weapons); Matt Hoover (The Peachbones); and Russ Fink, a friend of Aaron's and a native of Polk, Ohio.

The night was a singer/songwriter round-robin, as Aaron would play a few songs, Matthew would play a few songs, Russ would play a few (with Aaron accompanying him on guitar and backing vocals); apply, lather, rinse, repeat for about three hours.

Aaron Tashjian is one of those artists that I could (and actually have) listened to for days on end. Matthew Hoover solo acoustic is right up there, and I really enjoyed Russ as well. Aaron also covered a couple of Tim Easton songs ("Next To You" and "Sitting On Top Of The World") as well as a host of his amazing genius.

Photos are posted here ... here's a bit of a tease for you!

Aaron

Matthew

Russ

Matthew Hoover will be back at Seattle's on January 5th with the Peachbones in an acoustic showcase; Aaron is opening for The Receiver on January 20th, at the Ravari Room in Columbus (with Mark Nye playing the upright bass); check Russ's MySpace page for dates and times in your area, as I can't surf MySpace at work.

And in the words of Aaron Tashjian - remember, "the last great hope to save rock 'n' roll ain't some barbie doll on a stripper pole" [Streets of Galilee - it's on his myspace page. Check it out.]

And I do know all the words to his first CD! (And second, and his band, and his other band, all the other stuff too, except for some of the new songs I just got on CD Saturday)

I was a good Patch Bitch

So a couple of weeks ago, I was the patch bitch.

And I was a good bitch, too.

The other data center that is supposed to be better than us ... at everything ... well, looks like they learned a lesson this Christmas season because they got hammered with a virus yesterday (Merry Christmas, you're infected!) that had the technical lead team scrambling on Christmas day to get stopped, and working harder than they should be today to figure out how to stop it.

Why? Because apparently, they didn't patch their servers like we did.

So along with the other guys I work with, we're now patching their servers - servers that were supposed to be patched the 1st half of December when we did ours.

Why weren't theirs patched?

Well, they had "issues" with the process we used. They had a "better way."

Yeah ... better for them, obviously, because they didn't patch much, based on the fact we're running patches from three patch cycles ago; including some service packs for Server 2003 that should have been done when the servers were built and deployed.

DOH.

But according to them, they're a better run data center than we are.

Today is just full of laughs for me, eh?

Back to the patching. Goo goo g'joob g'goo goo g'joob.

Ironic? Or just petty?

So on the heels of my "I'm a Good Friend, I'm a bad Boyfriend" entry, I see where someone doubts that. That's fine. I'm mature enough to realize everyone has different opinions based on their individual lot in life. But let's consider the source before we accept that statement as fact, shall we?

For this individual to say "you're not a good friend either." ... is very funny.

For many reasons.

So I'm going to drop the fourth wall here and direct this right at the source:

First, I see you're still unable to tell me, directly, what's on your mind. Isn't that the main reason things went downhill for us the first time? Oh, yeah, that is exactly the root cause. Back then, though, it wasn't petty little comments on myspace - the place where high school never ends and you never have to mature - it was you talking to your friends about things I'd do or say you didn't like, or understand, rather than telling me about it.

Let's face facts: Who can change what I do or say? Your 'friends' or me? Exactly.

Like your other 'friend' ... this is just another example of how you love to scream out loud in hushed tones to selected individuals, then feel frustrated, confused and hurt when the general public, and the party your specific outburst is addressed at, doesn't understand you or your position - because you don't tell them, directly.

After ranting about me in a blog that's only available to your friends, (unlike me, who leaves it open for you or anyone to read), you then add - in bold print so it stands out - "you're not a good friend either" at the end of your general interests block on your myspace profile.

I have no desire to read your blog. I don't care what you call me. It won't hurt me anymore.

But I do have one question for you based on your 'public' statement:

Who the fuck are you to judge me as a friend?

Didn't you say you loved me too much to be friends?

Yes, you did.

Since you're not a friend, you're not qualified to judge me as a friend.

And what's sad is you never will be qualified, or a friend.

(That sound you hear now is me, closing the book that was you, and us, and putting it up on shelf, tucked in a box, where it shall not be opened again. Goodbye.)

---

"I guess there's more to learning life
Than competing for good grades."

~ Janine Stoll

Let's talk bad gifts

OMFG.

Merry Christmas, everyone (well, everyone over about the age of 10 who will find the humor in this)!

Geekboy Holiday Humor

Gifts Geeks Want

• One year of "no computer questions" from everyone in your family
• Private show by the remaining cast of Monty Python
• Simultaneous devolution of all intelligent design proponents into chimpanzees
• The Sword of a Thousand Truths
• A "Nuke the RIAA from orbit" button (The type you press, not the type you wear)
• Charles Babbage's brain in a jar of formaldehyde.
• Life-sized, fully-functional Bender
• Star Wars Holiday Special where Jar-Jar gets trampled to death by Santa's eight tiny Wookiees
• Ten terabyte video iPod nano with expandable screen
• Guided tour of Area 51
• Customized Google logo on your birthday

Worst Gifts for Geeks

• Coupon for 1 Year of Free Computer Service
• Age of Office Assistants video game
• Box of floppies
• Swiss Army Spork
• "Sodium + Glass of Water" Gift Set
• A copy of Windows 3.x For Dummies
• ie51setup.exe
• Their very own Bonzi Buddy
• Year's supply of Diet Caffeine-free Mountain Dew
• AOL membership
• "Greedo Shot First" T-shirt

Signs It's Christmas in Geekville

• You hear more chipmunks on the radio than you've *seen* all year
• Latest installment of Lord of the Rings is available on DVD
• Stockings are hung by the firewire with care
• Suddenly everyone is making stupid puns about Red Hat
• You start seeing pop up ads for Easter Candy
• People are putting snow tires on their Segways
• Eggnog in a punch bowl that's the shape of Nog's head, the Ferengi from DS9
• The special gift tags came back from the printers with 'All your presents are belong to us'
• Downloading a lot more Christmas carols from bit torrent
• Object Tree takes on a whole new meaning
• Start seeing ads for Madden 2008

Ways Geeks Celebrate Christmas

• Mountain Dew-nog
• Printing out "One Year of Free Computer Service" certificates to give to the family.
• Designing elf-killing levels for your favorite FPS.
• Explaining to children how it would be physically impossible for Santa to deliver all the presents.
• Wear mistletoe hat and keep fingers crossed.
• Devise a computer-controlled system to detect and prevent household members from trying peeek into their presents before Christmas.
• Put a santa hat on your avatar.
• Change the blue neon lights in the case to flashing red and green.
• Decorating the tree with SDRAM and CPUs burned out from your last overclocking experiment.
• 2. Rewriting Christmas carols in Tolkien's Elvish.
• Programming the christmas lights to flash out "I hate this holiday of unbridled consumerism" in binary.

Rejected Holiday Specials

• Chewbacca Sings Your Holiday Favorites
• Kwanzaa with Carrot Top
• You're a Fucking Consumer, Charlie Brown
• The Matrix: Re-gifted
• Santa Conquers the Arabs
• The Year Without Department Stores
• Steven Spielberg's E.L.F. (Electronic LifeForm)
• A Very Hasselhoff Hannukah
• William Shatner Goes A-Caroling
• Rudolph the Red-Nosed Coke Fiend
• An Insane Clown Posse Christmas

Ways Geeks Were Naughty This Year

• Used GOTO
• Recommended the use of Internet Explorer
• Programmed Robosapien to steal
• Scratched strangers iPod Minis when they weren't looking
• Started a flame war because they were bored
• Uploaded mislabelled MP3s of Wham!
• Didn't ground themselves before working on a friend's PC
• Used genius for evil, not good
• Voted for cliché entry in Fark Photoshop
• Told user that the 'Any Key' was the big button on the case marked 'Power'
• Recommended review at Tomshardware.com

All content of this post stolen from http://www.bbspot.com. Check it out. Good reading!

Why they shoot messengers #2

The right message needs the right messenger.

Congressman Virgil Goode, a republican from Virginia, has the right message, but he's not the right messenger.

See, Mr. Goode is opposed to the plans of congressman-elect Keith Ellison from Minnesota to have his photo taken with his right hand on the Quran - the holy book of Islam, simulating his swearing-in ceremony. (For the record, the House is sworn in together, in a mass-ceremony, where they just raise their right and and affirm to support the Constitution of the United States. The photo-op with the person doing the swearing-in and their family/friends/gay lovers, etc., is totally ceremonial, so Ellison will be posing with the Quran for a photo, not taking the oath of office with it. Christians traditionally pose with their hand on the Bible, so what's the big deal? To Muslims, the Quran is their Bible, so it's one in the same, right? Right. Thank you, drive thru.)

So this is not a big deal - rather, it should not be a big deal.

But Goode wants some pub, and he's getting it.

And distorting his message in the process.

See, Keith Ellison is a Muslim. He converted in college.

And while a few bad apples often spoil the whole darn bunch, Ellison has said, publicly, he's no fan of terrorists. And he's refused to get into a war of words with Goode, taking the high road, doing the right thing and not adding fuel to a fire that didn't need lit to begin with. Ellison is being smart.

Goode, however, won't take that sitting down. Goode, for the record, is not anti-Muslim. His message is about immigration reform, and how it needs fixed, otherwise we're all in big trouble.

And he's right.

Attaching this message, however, to Ellison's swearing-in, is wrong. Here's why:

In a letter sent to his constituents, Goode included the following paragraph:

"The Muslim representative from Minnesota was elected by the voters of that district and if American citizens don't wake up and adopt the Virgil Goode position on immigration there will likely be many more Muslims elected to office and demanding the use of the Koran."

The problem with this message being attached to this issue:

Ellison was born in Detroit.

DOH!

Happy 1st Day of Winter

Ways a Geek Prepares for Winter

1. In space there are no seasons.
2. Switches over to his cold weather Linux distro.
3. Hastens plans to complete weather control device.
4. Apply for that job at the call center in steamy Bangalore.
5. Put computer outside for extra cooling.
6. Stores his nuts in an old AT form factor case.
7. Increases caffeine intake to stave off hibernation instinct.
8. Turns up monitor brightness to avoid winter depression.
9. Apply an extra layer of tin foil on the basement walls.
10. McGyver a solar heater out of AOL CDs and a cpu water cooling kit to cut down on heating costs.
11. Dresses in layers of t-shirts to fight the cold.

Well, * that * ended badly

So I finally finished watching the first season of 24 on DVD.

Meh.

I was excited when I started watching this, but it took me two months - seriously - from the first episode to the last episode.

At the end ... trying to watch the last four hours ... especially the final two ... in the words of Tom Griswold, "Man I don't care."

But I had to see it through.

So tonight I figured I'd watch the final two 'hours' ... and then was shocked when 22 minutes into the final hour, it was all wrapped up, nice, neat and tidy.

I so hate the quick wrap up.

(And yeah, had they ended it early and spent the last hour on recap / fallout / character recovery, I'd be bitching about that, too. I know. You don't have to point that out to me. I'm well aware I'm a hard-ass critic and difficult to please. That's because I'm not sheeple.)

Looking back, I don't see what all the hype was about (then again, I rarely see, and even more rarely, believe, hype of any type). Honestly ... the only character that surprised me, every plot twist, was David Palmer.

Too bad he's fictional.

I'd vote for him for President in a heartbeat.

So before I tackle the next set of DVD's... can anyone tell me ... Is Season 2 any better?

I'm a bad boyfriend

I'm a good friend.

I'm a bad boyfriend.

I'm learning this the older I get.

And as my desire for relationships diminishes.

Some people are great at relationships.

Not me.I suck at them.

One of my favorite songs has the greatest line about that, period:

"I guess that's why I just hate love
You're so pretty and I always fuck up"

("Dirty Numbers" - Autumn Under Echoes)

Because I do.

I can only think of one relationship I've had where that hasn't happened.

My ex-wife.

We were together for 8 years (roughly). We were married for five. She's one of my best friends these days.

As marriages go, we had our amazingly great times, and some not-so-amazing times. Good and bad, better and worse ... all that stuff.

And for a time she tried to be my wife in that sense of she did what I wanted, what I liked, what I was interested in, because she thought that's how things worked.

Then she got smart and realized that she's a person. With feelings. With wants. With desires. With dreams of more than just being some guy's wife.

And one day she rolled over and said to me, "you feel that?" ... meaning the distance between us. And we discussed it, as rational, intelligent adults, and realized we want different things out of life. And parted as friends.

Now, she's one of my best friends.

We talk about everything ... dates (before she remarried), relationships, sex, life, family ... all the good, the bad, the ugly, and the great.

And all without worrying about being judged for what we say, what we do or how we feel, and without the other being a blind cheering section for whatever crazy thoughts the other is currently having.

We've become, for each other, a great voice of reason that you know is telling you the truth, not what you want to hear.

That is the most liberating I've ever know.

And then I realized that I have another friend like that ... she and I have an amazing relationship that transcends all labels.

And she was a former girlfriend, too.So that's two in the column of "bad boyfriend becomes great friend."

Both are within a year of me, age wise (both younger, but within a year).

Then there are the two people I've dated since my divorce.

Both were younger than me by six years.

Neither relationship survived a year. For different reasons, but one big one:

I know I grew a lot from 30 to 35. Got rid of all the bullshit, all the games, all the crap you develop from the time you start having boyfriends/girlfriends until you realize that wrapping yourself around someone else, and their life, doesn't work.

And you emancipate yourself from being someones boyfriend or girlfriend.

You're a person.

And you stop worrying about it.

You live your life.

And hope to find someone to share it, short-term, long-term, forever, or for the night, depending on what you want at the time.

So I've decided I'm going to concentrate on being a friend rather than trying to find that one true soulmate and live a little, have some fun, and meet some great people.

Who wants to join me?

Top 10 Geek Breakup Lines

Geek Break Up Lines

1. (A)bort, (R)etry, (F)ail? R
   (A)bort, (R)etry, (F)ail? R
   (A)bort, (R)etry, (F)ail? F
   Relationship failed.
   
   
2. Now that Half Life 2 is out, I need to refocus my priorities.
   
   
3. You have been unsubscribed from my dating list. Please click this link to confirm.
   
   
4. I need a lover who understands that 20 hours a day on the Internet is normal.
   
   
5. I don't think we should date any more, but we can still be on each other's buddy lists.
   
   
6. I'd like to not spend so much time photoshopping your face out of our photos.
   
   
7. It's like in X-Men number 135, where Cyclops and Jean Grey (as The Phoenix)...
   
   
8. Let's face it. You love Intel, and I'm an AMD man. It's not going to work out.
   
   
9. What do you mean your EULA says that once I've removed the shrink wrap I can't return it?
   
   
10. So long and thanks for all the fish.

Song of the Day

"Love Disappears"
Jeffrey Gaines

I was gathering all the things I had to tell you
And found that there were more things I had to hide
Like lovers and tears,
doubts and fears
inside me

'Cause when you're away
There's nothing to say at all
'Cause when you're not here
Love disappears

I was dreaming of the last time we lied together
Seems whenever I need you you're across the sea
Pressured by peers,
sometimes it appears
you don't want me.

'Cause when you're away
There's nothing to say at all
'Cause when you're not here
Love disappears

Frame after frame,
the dream ends the same
Without you

'Cause when you're away
I've not much to say at all
'Cause when you're not here
Love disappears

You Can't Make This Shit Up

From the "You Can't Make This Shit Up" department:

I know where the two climbers missing from Mt. Hood are:

Seriously.

I saw this in a news report yesterday ... "Mr. Wampler" is a local climbing person in Oregon and was asked where he thought the two missing hikers might have gone.

Using his response, which I've quoted below, and my own amazing powers of deductive reasoning, I know where they are.

First, read this quote I pulled from Yahoo news yesterday:

Kelly James and his two colleagues are thought to have climbed the north face of Mount Hood and reached the 11,239-foot summit late in the day of Friday, and then tried to descend the gentler south face, passing through a rock and ice formation known as "the Pearly Gates," Wampler said.

"They didn't find it," he said.

Now prepare yourself for today's "Oh Eric" moment:

I don't think I'm making any waves here when I say they're dead.

They're dead.

And if they didn't find The Pearly Gates...

Then they're obviously in Hell.

(Yep. I said it.)

The Best Music of 2006

Eric's Top Ten Albums of 2006:

1. David Ford - I Sincerely Apologize For All The Trouble I've Caused.
   
2. Greg Joseph - American Diary
   
3. Bullet Jones - Bullet Jones
   
4. Tim Easton - Ammunition
   
5. Semi-Precious Weapons - The Magnetic EP
   
6. The Pillcrushers - Welcome To The World
   
7. KT Tunstall - Eye To The Telescope
   
8. Ray Davies - Other People's Lives
   
9. Drive-By Truckers - A Blessing and a Curse
   
10. Todd Snider - The Devil You Know
    

Eric's Most Listened To Albums of 2006

In addition to those ten listed above, these were in heavy rotation as well (listed alphabetically)

• Tim Easton - Break Your Mother's Heart
  
• Five For Fighting - Two Lights
  
• Jeffrey Gaines - Always Be
  
• Gomez - How We Operate
  
• Megan Palmer - Forget Me Not
  
• Beth Orton - Comfort Of Strangers
  
• Saving Jane - Girl Next Door
  
• Semi-Precious Weapons - The Precious EP
  
• Ryan Smith - Neil Avenue
  
• Janine Stoll - Everything You Gave Me
  
• Swig Tooth - Foreigners - Where Do They Come From?
  (this is my collection of live tracks, demos, rehearsals and unreleased tracks from Swig Tooth, Autumn Under Echoes and Aaron Tashjian's solo stuff that hasn't made the light of day. Being a band's official archivist has its perks!)
• Two Cow Garage - The Wall Against Our Back
  
• Weird Al - Straight Outta Lynwood
  
• X-Rated Cowboys - Saddest Day
  
• Kate York - Sadly Love
  

Random Acts of Kindness

So today I was roaming the mall with my daughter trying to coax some ideas out of her for Christmas.

She's eight and in that in-between stage of not a baby but not quite a grown-up kid yet. She's still between Care Bears and boys. Both are cute, and she likes both, but can't quite explain why on either.

So buying her presents isn't as easy as it used to be.

So we're walking around, looking for ideas. I headed to Target to get some photos printed (and found out Target doesn't have a photo lab at that location)

and then ...

... for no valid reason I can think of

... all I wanted to do

... was go over to the Salvation Army's "Angels Tree" we passed on the way into Target

... find a kid who wasn't going to have a good Christmas

... and buy whatever was on their list.

Not because it was an end to my shopping dilemma, because I always manage to find good gifts ... and honestly, I always spend a bit too much at Christmas, but hey, I work hard through the year and Christmas is a special time, and kids are only young once, so why not, eh?

In fact, one of Patti's friends described it as "The Orgy of Decadence" one year watching four kids demolish a pile of wrapped presents.

But like I said, they're only young once, and Christmas is special, and when we were together, Patti and I worked the extra hours to have the extra money to buy the extra stuff.

I know for me, wanting Christmas to be special, I guess it goes back to when I was like 11 or 12 ... we were living in the projects, and my mom was working part-time in one of the private clubs in town slinging beer at drunk Pollocks for not a whole lot of money ... the guys who were regulars there, and who knew us from the picnics the club had, would always pitch in and buy presents for us that they'd drop off, Santa-style, on the front door early Christmas morning.

And while mom never said where they came from, I know she wasn't making the kind of money that these gifts cost, and I saw them one year, too ... and the gig was up on Santa by that time in my life, anyway, despite what she said.

But as I stood there today, in the mall, surrounded by people going insane trying to find that perfect gift ... I was, as always, surprised by the total lack of humanity some of us show in our feeble attempts to give the most, have the biggest, best and/or brightest, or outdo whoever it is we always feel the need to one-up ...

And I just couldn't stop staring at that tree, full of kids who weren't going to have a good Christmas.

So I took my daughter over to the tree, explain to her how it worked, how there were kids who only got one or two things for Christmas, if they got anything at all.

Now before I go any further, I have to tell you this is a girl who always roots for the underdog. This is a girl who will feel sad for the animated figures in the anti-depressant drug ads. This is a girl who will find the most down and out Charlie Brown and befriend them.

She was totally into making sure someone else had a good Christmas. So we circled the tree and she found a girl her age who liked the stuff she liked and decided that we were going shopping for someone else.

And that's what we did.

We started at the toy store and picked up the game "Twister" which was on our girl's list.

Then we got her a pair of jeans and matching sweater and a Bratz art set.

Then we went to Borders to use the bathroom and found a couple of those watercolor paint books for her (she wanted a paint set, but we were having trouble finding that, so we went with the books).

And ran into my friend John Gatta who's a fixture there, and his lovely wife Maureen, who was working the register for the holidays.

Then we took the things we bought back to the Salvation Army stand in the mall, turned in our Angel card and the presents and went home.

Feeling a bit more in the holiday spirit.

And in the process, my daughter learned a great lesson about helping others.

And that made me feel pretty darn good, too.

Eric's 2006 Grammy Picks

49th Grammy Awards Nominees - And my picks to win.
(2005 Pics are here)

Record of the Year
(awarded to the artist)

[ ] Mary J. Blige - Be Without You
[ ] James Blunt - You're Beautiful
[X] Dixie Chicks - Not Ready To Make Nice
[ ] Gnarls Barkley - Crazy
[ ] Corinne Bailey Rae - Put Your Records On

Who Should Win - David Ford - I Don't Care What You call Me
Who Will Win - Dixie Chicks

Album of the Year

[ ] Dixie Chicks - Taking The Long Way
[ ] Gnarls Barkley - St. Elsewhere
[ ] John Mayer - Continuum
[X] Red Hot Chili Peppers - Stadium Arcadium
[ ] Justin Timberlake - FutureSex/LoveSounds

Who Should Win - David Ford - I Sincerely Apologize For All The Trouble I've Caused
Who Will Win - Red Hot Chili Peppers

Song of the Year
(awarded to the songwriter)

[ ] Mary J. Blige - Be Without You
[ ] Carrie Underwood - Jesus Take The Wheel
[X] Dixie Chicks - Not Ready To Make Nice
[ ] Corinne Bailey Rae - Put Your Records On
[ ] James Blunt - You're Beautiful

Who Should Win - David Ford - I Don't Care What You Call Me
Who Will Win - Dixie Chicks

Best New Artist

[X] James Blunt
[ ] Chris Brown
[ ] Imogen Heap
[ ] Corinne Bailey Rae
[ ] Carrie Underwood

Who Should Win - KT Tunstall, but I'm glad she's not nominated because whoever wins this turns into a one-hit wonder, never to be heard from again (see Starland Vocal Band; Debbie Boone; Christopher Cross; Sheena Easton; Bruce Hornsby; Jodie Watley; Marc Cohn; Arrested Development; Hootie & The Blowfish; Paula Cole [I still miss her]; Shelby Lynne; Maroon 5; et. al.)
Who Will Win - James Blunt, which is, dare I say, Beautiful (because we'll never have to hear from him again).

Female Pop Vocal Performance

[ ] Christina Aguilera - Ain't No Other Man
[ ] Natasha Bedingfield - Unwritten
[ ] Sheryl Crow - You Can Close Your Eyes
[ ] Pink - Stupid Girl
[X] KT Tunstall - Black Horse And The Cherry Tree

Who Should Win - KT Tunstall
Who Will Win - KT Tunstall

Male Pop Vocal Performance

[ ] James Blunt - You're Beautiful
[ ] John Legend - Save Room
[ ] John Mayer - Waiting On The World To Change
[ ] Paul McCartney - Jenny Wren
[X] Daniel Powter - Bad Day

Who Should Win - John Legend
Who Will Win - Daniel Powter

Pop Performance By a Duo or Group with Vocal

[ ] The Black Eyed Peas - My Humps
[ ] Death Cab For Cutie - I Will Follow You Into The Dark
[ ] The Fray - Over My Head (Cable Car)
[ ] Keane - Is It Any Wonder
[X] The Pussycat Dolls - Stickwitu

Who Should Win - Keane
Who Will Win - The Pussycat Dolls, even though I have no idea WTF the name of that song is. Speak English.

Pop Vocal Album

[ ] Christian Aguilera - Back To Basics
[ ] James Blunt - Back To Bedlam
[ ] Elvis Costello & Allen Toussaint - The River In Reverse
[X] John Mayer - Continuum
[ ] Justin Timberlake - FutureSex/LoveSounds

Who Should Win - Elvis Costello & Allen Toussaint
Who Will Win - That's Enough, John Mayer

Solo Rock Performance

[ ] Beck - Nausea
[ ] Bob Dylan - Someday Baby
[ ] John Mayer - Route 66
[ ] Tom Petty - Saving Grace
[X] Neil Young - Lookin' For A Leader

Who Should Win - Tom Petty
Who Will Win - Neil Young

Rock Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocal

[ ] COldplay - Talk
[ ] The Fray - How To Save A Life
[ ] The Racunteurs - Steady, As She Goes
[ ] Red Hot Chili Peppers - Dani California
[X] U2 and Green Day - The Saints Are Coming

Who Should Win - The Fray
Who Will Win - U2 and Green Day

Hard Rock Performance

[ ] Buckcherry - Crazy Bitch
[X] Nine Inch Nails - Every Day Is The Same
[ ] System Of A Down - Lonely Day
[ ] Tool - Vicarious
[ ] Wolfmother - Woman

Who Should Win - Wolfmother
Who Will Win - Nine Inch Nails

Metal Performance

[ ] Lamb of God - Redneck
[ ] Mastodon - Colony of Birchmen
[ ] Ministry - Lies, Lies, Lies
[X] Slayer - Eyes of the Insane
[ ] Stone Sour - 30/30-150

Who Should Win - Slayer. No fuck maybes about it.
Who Will Win - Slayer

Rock Song
(Awarded to the songwriter)

[ ] Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars
[ ] Red Hot Chili Peppers - Dani California
[X] Neil Young - Lookin' For A Leader
[ ] Bob Dylan - Someday Baby
[ ] The Killers - When You Were Young

Who Should Win - Snow Patrol
Who Will Win - Neil Young

Rock Album

[ ] John Mayer Trio - Try
[ ] Tom Petty - Highway Companion
[ ] The Raconteurs - Broken Toy Soldiers
[ ] Red Hot Chili Peppers - Stadium Arcadium
[X] Neil Young - Living With War

Who Should Win - Bullet Jones
Who Will Win - Neil Young

Alternative Music Album

[ ] Artic Monkeys - Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not
[ ] The Flaming Lips - At War With The Mystics
[X] Gnarls Barkley - St. Elsewhere
[ ] Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Show Your Bones
[ ] Thom Yorke - The Eraser

Who Should Win - Thom Yorke
Who Will Win - Gnarls Barkley

For The Record: I don't vote on Country, Instrumental, R&B or Rap because I don't like enough of it to be considered a qualified intelligent voter. Hmmm .... wish more people would act like that, especially around November.

Give Pat Green the country awards, give Prince the R&B awards.

For The Record, Part 2:

I don't vote on Rap and Instrumental awards for these two reasons:

• Music needs words. There are too many struggling songwriters for there to be awards for not writing lyrics. Writing instrumentals is just being a lazy musician.
  
  
• I say it every year: You can't spell CRAP without RAP.
  

Today is Pearl Harbor Day.

Today, if you're an American, and you see a Japanese person, you're legally allowed to to sneak up on them and punch them in the face.

Hard.

Then skip away and say, "Payback, motherfucker."

There are only about 500 survivors of that horrible day left alive. They're all above the age of 80. They gather every five years to honor the memory of their fallen comrades.

We must never forget.

That is all.

---

DISCLAIMER

Taking free legal advice from this blog, or anything else you read on the interwebnet, means you're a moron.

No, not Ian Moran, he's a hockey player and it's spelled differently.

If you're Ian Moran, you need to visit Kelly.

I am The Patch Bitch

The Ohio State University requires capitalized articles.

So we'll do it OSU style today.

Paul McCartney may be The Walrus.

Eminem may be The Real Slim Shady.

Ben Klingston is, without a doubt, The Mall Guard (shout out to my Pittsburgh Peeps!)

Al Gore might be The inventor of The Interwebnet.

And President Bush might still be The decider.

But this week, I top them all.

I am The Patch Bitch.

I'm patching 934 servers.

Boo-yeah. I need sleep.

Goo goo g'joob g'goo goo g'joob.

Andy Dick isn't Funny.

Apparently, someone thinks Andy Dick is funny.

It's not me.

In fact, he could be in the new Tim Wilson song, "I Might Be Wrong" which features a great line, "Everybody Loves Raymond . . . . . except for me."

I don't love Ray Ramano. I never watched his show. I never liked his standup. His show is everything I hate about sitcoms - every character is funny.

Does every person in your life, your family and your circle of friends spout funny, sarcastic, or biting one-liners? In fact, is your life comprised of nothing but the exchange of such banal banter?

I didn't think so.

Why people would want to come home and watch that is beyond me.

Why people would feel the need to one one episode, let alone an entire season - or all eight seasons - on DVD is beyond me.

And why people think Andy Dick is funny is also beyond me, and what I started to write about.

See, apparently, because he hasn't made a dent in Hollywood in a week, which is the lifespan of a comic these days (Hello George Lopez? 20 years of amazing standup turned into a bad TV show), Dick felt he needed to try to pull a Michael Richards, so he shouted nigger into a microphone at a comedy club.

Andy - I've watched Michael Richards. You're no Michael Richards. Hell, you can't even make the news in America for your blatant attempt to get publicity - even bad publicity. I had to pull this from the Canadian Broadcasting Company's website while looking for Terrance & Phillip news.

---

Comedian apologizes for repeating racial slur
Last Updated: Wednesday, December 6, 2006 | 11:05 AM ET
CBC Arts

Less than a month after comedian Michael Richards was caught in a racist tirade against black hecklers at an L.A. club, another white comedian has apologized for using the same racial slur.

Andy Dick issued an apology through his publicist on Tuesday after celebrity website TMZ.com — which posted video of the Richards incident — reported on the former NewsRadio star's impromptu appearance at a comedy club last weekend.

According to TMZ, Dick was heckling comedian Ian Bagg at L.A.'s Improv on Saturday. Dick suddenly jumped onstage, where the two men began discussing Richards.

Before leaving the stage, Dick suddenly grabbed the microphone and shouted the same racial slur Richards had used in an attempt to joke about the incident. The move provoked gasps from the audience, TMZ said.

"I chose to make a joke about a subject that is not funny," Dick said in his statement, according to the Los Angeles Times.

"In an attempt to make light of a serious subject, I have offended a lot of people, and I am sorry for my insensitivity."

---

If he'd only apologize for people calling him a comic, then the world would truly be a better place.

The countdown has begun

I can hardly wait.

Glad I have that Barnes & Noble membership card so I can save 10 percent on this literary masterpiece:

---

Former Beverly Hills 90210 star Tori Spelling is set to pen her life story, according to reports.

The actress, who is pregnant with her first child, says the memoir will set the record straight on growing up in the spotlight.

She says she will address her former hard-partying ways, rumours that she has had plastic surgery and her previous relationships.

"I have a million stories to tell," said Spelling. "

---

Oh, I can hardly wait.

Good timing is everything.

Once again, Ray Nagin makes news.

This time by opening an office and hiring a regional planner to direct the official recovery for New Orleans from the ravages of Hurricane Katrina.

That's good news.

But isn't 15 months AFTER the hurricane a bit late to decide to create the office and hire a guy?

To quote Ron Simmons, "Damn."

Fifteen months after the fact ... to me, that's a bit much.

But I do love the fact that Ray Nagin still gets a pass from the rest of the media despite his total failure during the hurricane and its aftermath.

What kills me is you don't see, or hear, people from Texas, Mississippi or the rest of Louisiana whining about how the government didn't protect them, or why the government hasn't built them a new house with at least a PS2 and a plasma TV in every room.

Oh, yeah, silly me. That's because most of those outside of New Orleans realize it's not the government's job to take care of them from cradle to grave.

Anyway ... apparently the good mayor of Chocolate City needed some help.

---

By BECKY BOHRER, Associated Press Writer
Mon Dec 4, 4:15 AM ET

NEW ORLEANS - More than 15 months after Hurricane Katrina, Mayor Ray Nagin is ready to open a city office to direct New Orleans' recovery, with a leading regional planner and disaster recovery expert in charge.

Ed Blakely, who helped coordinate recovery planning in California after two natural disasters and in New York City after Sept. 11, has been chosen to lead what is expected to be a five-person office and to serve as the leader for marshaling a recovery process that critics have derided as too slow.

City Hall planned a formal announcement Monday. Blakely's appointment was confirmed Sunday by a Nagin spokeswoman.

The mayor also has hired Becca O'Brien, a former policy director for the federal government's Gulf Coast recovery operation, as his executive counsel.

In September, Nagin marked the first 100 days of his second term by announcing the city would create a recovery office. Last month, he told the city council he had a high-profile person in mind to lead it.

---

Hey Becky Bohrer ... why didn't you ask the good mayor why it took him 15 months to get this rolling?

Oh, wait, that's good journalism.

Besides, he'd probably play the race card if you did.