I'm a bad boyfriend

I'm a good friend.

I'm a bad boyfriend.

I'm learning this the older I get.

And as my desire for relationships diminishes.

Some people are great at relationships.

Not me.I suck at them.

One of my favorite songs has the greatest line about that, period:

"I guess that's why I just hate love
You're so pretty and I always fuck up"
("Dirty Numbers" - Autumn Under Echoes)

Because I do.

I can only think of one relationship I've had where that hasn't happened.

My ex-wife.

We were together for 8 years (roughly). We were married for five. She's one of my best friends these days.

As marriages go, we had our amazingly great times, and some not-so-amazing times. Good and bad, better and worse ... all that stuff.

And for a time she tried to be my wife in that sense of she did what I wanted, what I liked, what I was interested in, because she thought that's how things worked.

Then she got smart and realized that she's a person. With feelings. With wants. With desires. With dreams of more than just being some guy's wife.

And one day she rolled over and said to me, "you feel that?" ... meaning the distance between us. And we discussed it, as rational, intelligent adults, and realized we want different things out of life. And parted as friends.

Now, she's one of my best friends.

We talk about everything ... dates (before she remarried), relationships, sex, life, family ... all the good, the bad, the ugly, and the great.

And all without worrying about being judged for what we say, what we do or how we feel, and without the other being a blind cheering section for whatever crazy thoughts the other is currently having.

We've become, for each other, a great voice of reason that you know is telling you the truth, not what you want to hear.

That is the most liberating I've ever know.

And then I realized that I have another friend like that ... she and I have an amazing relationship that transcends all labels.

And she was a former girlfriend, too.So that's two in the column of "bad boyfriend becomes great friend."

Both are within a year of me, age wise (both younger, but within a year).

Then there are the two people I've dated since my divorce.

Both were younger than me by six years.

Neither relationship survived a year. For different reasons, but one big one:

I know I grew a lot from 30 to 35. Got rid of all the bullshit, all the games, all the crap you develop from the time you start having boyfriends/girlfriends until you realize that wrapping yourself around someone else, and their life, doesn't work.

And you emancipate yourself from being someones boyfriend or girlfriend.

You're a person.

And you stop worrying about it.

You live your life.

And hope to find someone to share it, short-term, long-term, forever, or for the night, depending on what you want at the time.

So I've decided I'm going to concentrate on being a friend rather than trying to find that one true soulmate and live a little, have some fun, and meet some great people.

Who wants to join me?

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