Dating advice to a friend

This is an email I sent to a friend after she kinda dumped some boyfriend issues on me. She is dating this guy who is all of the following:
  • 34.
  • Unemployed. (He says laid off)
  • Lives at home. (He says his father lives with him)
  • Not divorced. (He says it's her fault, she won't sign the papers)
  • Has no drivers license. (DUI)
  • Has no car. (DUI)
  • Lacking desire to earn money.
On top of all of this, he started bringing things to her house after the 1st month of dating.

Like his computer.

I can understand a toothbrush. Or some clothes.

But your computer?

Anyway ... that's not even the best part.

Here's the kicker ... one night while they were out going somewhere he wanted to go, she asked to stop at Wal-Mart to get some allergy medicine.

His response was "Can you do that stuff when I'm not around?"


So she asked me for my input on that line. Here is what I wrote to her:

The basic premise of any living this is survival of the species. Flowers bloom and lure bees to spread the pollen. Fruit falls off the tree to rot and the seeds enter the earth. Animals eat the fruit and pass the seeds a few feet, or miles away, from the parent tree.

And like clockwork, the animals know when mating season is. A couple of butt-sniffs, the mount happens, some thrusting and bam ... another baby animal is born to be bear food, roadkill, or, possibly survive to carry on the tradition.

In nature, only dolphins and humans have sex for enjoyment, unless you're Catholic, which makes it a sin, or you're a Muslim and you rape women to make little half-muslims to carry on your Jihad. (look it up before you blast me for anti-muslim comments. Just know your facts. That's all I'm saying.)

Regardless, for every other animal species, it's instinct. Your dog doesn't know why it humps your leg, it just does. If your boyfriend does that, then he's either retarded and forgot his helmet, or he's 14.

In our civilized state, as adults, it usually takes us a bit more to carry on the species than a simple "Hey, wanna fuck?"


That's what separates us from the animals, or people from Delaware, Ohio. (Yeah, I lived there once. 1992. I still refer to it as "unaware" because if you take away the brainpower of those in town for the university, your best and brightest are all located one county south.)

But back to the issue at hand.

"Hey, wanna fuck?" usually doesn't get you much relationship wise. In fact, it's akin to leg humping.

Can it be fun? Yes.

Can it lead to some great sex? Maybe.

But anything more than that? Like the magic 8-balls says, "Odds say no."

Which is why we work to develop personality traits, and seek to improve our interpersonal relationships. We smile, we flirt, say hi, make small talk we hope leads to conversations that last deep into the evening.

We have email exchanges, trade hello's via IM and text messages on our cell phones when we're not together.

And in most men, we have that primitive desire to be the provider, so we learn a trade, work to improve ourselves occupationally, so we can provide a house, and shiny bobbles to impress the current interest in our eye, heart, or pants.

Because yeah, we all have a bit of caveman in us.

We all want to bring home the big dinosaur for dinner, give you the shiny object we found while hunting, or at the jewelry store. Because that's how we're programmed.

And while we're not the best nurturers, if we want any success in a relationship, long-term or short-term, we do our best to try to take care of you when you're sick, or need help.

And if you're not getting that, then it's clear: He has no real interest in you as a person.

Telling you to get allergy medicine "When I'm not around" is a full-blown admission of that.

It's like saying "I don't give a shit about you as a person. I'm here for the food, beer & sex. Do the stuff you have to do for you when you're not graced by my presence."

She dumped the guy.

And then laughed at how stupid she was for not seeing all he wasn't.

Live and learn. That's how we grow as people, and a species.

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