It's All About Reach

As we learned in "Cool Hand Luke" ... there are some people you just can't reach.

As we learned from AT&T every so often it's good to reach out and touch someone.

As we learned from Michael Jackson, just make sure whoever you reach for is old enough, or you've slipped them enough Jesus Juice.

And as we learned from the good Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, there are some people that would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the god damned common courtesy to give him a reach around.

I believe Michael is in that group.

And I believe I'm in the group that's getting everything but the reach around, so to speak.

That's the love I'm feeling this week.

And, oddly enough, it's not job related.

And, oddly enough, it's not love related. (Hi love-related! Hope you're sleeping well as I type another venomous spewage.)

Yesterday, for no other reason I can fathom than a case of the Mondays after the time change fucked me up, every single person I had to deal with outside of work or love yesterday had their way with me, Oz-style.

And I won't get into the damn Columbus drivers who think six feet between cars on I-270 at 70 miles an hour is assured clear stopping distance.

Or the morons who think cutting across five lanes of said highway at 70 MPH is standard operating procedure.

I'll just site the two most obvious:

After work, I went to get a haircut because it's, oh, a week or two later than I normally like to go between haircuts. So I sit down and Mary starts talking about what I want. I tell her just like it is now, but shorter. She asks scissors or clippers? I say clippers, with a three on the sides and scissors on the top.

She tells me that she thinks a one on the sides and back would be better make it shorter and give me a bit of a sleeker summer look.

Summer, mind you, the season that teased us on Sunday with 70 degree temperatures and left me with frosted windows this morning.

See, even Mother Nature was sticking it to me from behind this week. Gosh.

But back to Mary.Okay, whatever, you're the professional. I'm just the guy paying for your service. If it were me, I'd do what the guy with the money wanted.

But I'm not a hair stylist.

Or a barber.

(Does anyone else remember the classic Saturday Night Live sketch that's a great play on "what if the words we know today meant something different in the past." Steve Martin plays Theodoric of York, Medieval Barber, who is doing his best "barbering" (or, as we call it today, doctoring) for a variety of peasant ailments. When someone questions the wisdom of one of his "cures," Martin looks at them shakes his head and says "Who's the barber here?" At another point Martin's character pats himself on the back for the vast strides his profession had taken from years past. To a woman concerned about her daughter's illness he states, "In the past we would have thought that your daughter's condition meant she was possessed by demons. [laughs] But, now we know her condition is caused by a tiny dwarf living in her stomach."

So, with that story in mind, I ask the following question:

Who's the barber?

Not Mary.

As my haircut shows.

See, as Mary's running the clippers over the back of my head, she's looking to the chair next to her where she's carrying on an Ebonics-laced tirade about some problem her kid is having at school. I used to believe I was fluent in Ebonics, however, my skills be slippin' because I only figured out about half of what she was saying.

So I just kind of closed my eyes and stopped listening, going to my happy place in my head and trying to mentally recharge myself for a long night of studying Operating Systems technologies for a certification exam I'm taking on Wednesday.

That all changed when she ran the clippers up over the top of my head.

With the one blade on.

Ebonics came to a screeching halt mid-ebon.

The happy place in my head blinked out like a simulation on Star Trek's holodeck.

I look into the mirror.

She's looking back with the world's best poker face and says "You want it that short on top, too?"

I look back at her and say, without flinching, "Well, do I have much of a choice now?" in my best kinda sarcastic, kinda resigned to it voice, because there's not much worse than a reverse Mohawk.

It looked good when Mike Score did it in 1983 (he was the singer for A Flock of Seagulls).

But on me?

In 2006?


And Mary realized that, shaking her head and saying, "Well, no, not really."

And then proceeded to return to the Ebonics and take care of the rest of the hair on my head, making it all as short as the top and sides.

And didn't apologize.

Or offer me a discount.

How short is it?

My arm hairs are longer.

How short is it?

Sinead O'Connor called me out for stealing her hairstyle.

Then she tore up a picture of me.

Hey, it's hair. It'll grow back. And it does kind of look good. The last time I had hair this short I had guys like Gunnery Sergeant Hartman yelling at me, and the rest of the people in my basic training outfit calling me Eddie after Eddie Munster because of my massive widow's peak. But hey, it's hair. It grows back.

Also yesterday, the legal music download place I get most of my indie music from screwed me, too. (I loves me some eMusic. No fancy special formats. They're DRM-free MP3's ... so you can do with them what you want. And they cost about 40 cents a song, not the 99 cents iTunes rapes you for. And they have "The Smile and the Nod" by Autumn Under Echoes. So get that give Mark, Aaron, Chris and John Q. Drummer some love.)

Anyway, I was downloading a comedy album and got an error message.

And the download never started.

So I followed the steps suggested and then tried to download it again.

And was charged twice.

Since it was 22 download credits, I was a bit concerned. So I follow the help steps, read through the FAQ, it doesn't tell me anything related to my situation, so I click to email support and send them the following:
> --Original Message--
> From: eric_broz@yahoo.com
> Date: 04/03/06
> To: service@emusic.com
> Subject: Downloading[#2434003]
> Ticket ID:
> First Name: Eric
> Last Name: Broz
> Email Address: eric_broz@yahoo.com
> Operating System: Windows XP
> Drop Down: Other
> MP3 Player: (Windows Media Player, iTunes, Winamp, etc.): iTunes
> Internet Speed (T1, Cable, DSL, dial-up, etc.): Cable
> ----------------------------------------------
> Contents:
> I tried to download Richard Jeni's Greatest Hits and received an error
> message saying the temp internet files was full and to delete them and try
> again.
> When I did that, the songs were downloaded twice.
> That's 22 credits I lost.
> Can you help me out? I like Richard Jeni, but don't need two copies!
> -E
And receive the following response today:
--- service@emusic.com wrote:
> Hello,
> Thank you for contacting eMusic Customer Support.
> Once you have selected a track from eMusic, you are allowed to re-download it
> as many times as you like without losing download credits provided that the
> album is still available through eMusic and your account is active.
> In order to re-download tracks in the future, please follow these steps:
> 1. Log in to your eMusic account
> 2. Click on the Your Profile tab on the homepage
> 3. Click on the Downloads button
> 4. Select the Artists, Albums and Tracks you wish to download from the list
> provided
> 5. Click on the album you wish to download tracks from.
> 6. Click the blue arrow located next to the track name you are interested in.
> If you wish to download an entire album, you may do so by clicking each arrow
> next to the tracks.
> If you are still experiencing difficulty (or your records show that you lost
> double credits), please reply with further details including any error
> messages you are seeing or any other observations that will help us solve
> your issue.
> Regards,
> Erick
> eMusic Customer Support Team
Which prompted my response:

Thank you for your response.

I understand how your service works. Check my account. I've downloaded a TON of stuff since I found you, so the download primer from the FAQ really doesn't answer my question or address my issue.

Since you asked for more information, I'll give you the same information I gave you before, only this time I hope you read it:

> I tried to download Richard Jeni's Greatest Hits and received an error
> message saying the temp internet files was full and to delete them and try
> again.
> When I did that, the songs were downloaded twice.
> That's 22 credits I lost.
> Can you help me out? I like Richard Jeni, but don't need two copies!

Since that may not be clear:

I downloaded Richard Jeni's Greatest Hits twice on the same computer in the same session. Which, according to your FAQ-based response, I should be able to do, and only be charged for the initial 22 credits for the download.

Yet I was charged a total of 44 credits (that's 22 credits times two downloads).

I would like credit for my 22 downloads.

Thank you.
Just in case, I'm getting the lube ready myself. It's been that kind of week.

And it's only Tuesday.

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