I know when the world ends

Because I read it on the internet.

At 01:02 and 03 seconds in the morning on April 5, 2006, a little thing happened that has set the stage for the end of the world.

Some expanded digital clocks read:

01:02:03, 04/05/06

Big deal, right?

Well, maybe.

Here's where the goofy shit starts:

Apparently, according to someone on the internet, and we all know the internet is the single location on the planet for all truths to be told, those numbers lining up in a row were the start of a very eerie and strange thing "that was first predicted over five thousand years ago by the Mayan calendar,"

And we all know that the Mayan Calendar is what we base our time on.

And we all know that the Mayan Calendar ends on December 21, 2012.

And we all know that the world ends on December 21, 2012.

And here's why:

Now before we get into the heart of the argument here, I have already answered the most obvious question: How do we know that it was 2006 they were referring to, not 1906, or 1806, or 1706, hell, even 6 A.D. since the Mayans go back 5,000 years?

Answer: We have digital clocks.

They didn't exist in 1906, or any other 06 before that ... so it has to be 2006. Right? (Just agree and move on. Thank you.)

So let's continue, shall we?

According to the internet poster, Egyptian scholars, Greek prophets, Asian monks and seers of almost every other culture in the past has stated that on some day, all the planets will align and a chain reaction will be set in motion that starts the end downfall of our civilization and the end of our world on

Say it with me:

December 21, 2012.

And the countdown to extinction has begun.

When?

Say it with me:

April 5, 2006; at 1:02:03 a.m. (I'm guessing GMT, because that's the true and real time, your mileage may vary based on your geographic location and associated time zone).

But let's look towards the future a bit:

At 11:11 pm on 12/12/12, all nine planets, the sun and every moon and every planet will be 7.85 inches off of being in a perfect line, which they will hold for three minutes and 36 seconds.

(How can this be proven? Well, NASA for one, look it up!)

Now if you add the number of seconds in 3:36 you get 216 seconds.

(How can this be proven? Well, math, for..216.)

And our seer went on to tell us that 216 is the perfect number in Jewish mysticism and in original Christianity.

(Original as opposed to the sequel? Methodists? Hmmm ... I wonder about that one.)

And that it is known as nature's number because all things natural can in one way or another be brought to 216.

(Yet he has no proof on the whole "nature's number" thing. Bastard.)

So what does it mean?

Well, in the Jewish calendar, our year of AD 2012 is their year 5773.

And .... for all you numbers geeks, you're well aware that if you

multiply 5 by 7 = 35.

multiply 35 by 7 = 245

multiply 245 by 3 = 735.

and

you divide 5,773 by 735

You're left with 7.85 and some change.

And 7.85 (and some change) is the distance that every celestial object will away from a perfect line.

When?

Say it with me:

11:11 on December 12, 2012.

And the line lasts 216 seconds.

Modern scientists have openly stated that on 12/12/2012 there could be the start of some sort of unimaginable natural disaster. Probably from the planets aligning and the gravitational force of all those aligned planets fucking up our solar system.

Some of those wacky scientists think that gathering may change the rotation of some planets and moons. It might put planets or moons on new orbits, which would change the climates rapidly all over the world.

Of course, some people still believe the earth is flat, too.

And there are those who believe God created existence in six days and rested on the seventh.

But the length of the day is up to debate.

But the seer ended his rant with this:

Starting on 01:02:03 on 04/05/06, we will have six years, seven days, 8 months, 9 minutes, 10 seconds and 11 hours until 12:12:12 on 12/12/12.

And if you divide 12 by 2 you get six. And that contains the numbers 1, 2, and 6; which make up the number 216.

And 12:12:12 on December 21, 2012, when the Mayan calendar ends, is exactly 216 hours from when the planets are aligned and the gravitational forces start to break apart our solar system.

So when shit starts falling out of the sky, and plagues of locust arrive, the seven seals are broken, the four horseman of the apocalypse arrive and all the rest of the Book of Revelations comes to fruition, remember where you read it first:

Me.

Odds are I'll be sitting at home in front of my computer jerking off to porn. Might as well go out with a smile, eh?