So I’m sitting here wondering what to do next. I have so many things to get done at work, and at home, and so few hours in a day to do them but I cant help but take the time to stop every now and then and reflect on the first six weeks of 2006 because they’ve been pretty exiting and interesting from where I sit.I'll start with the obvious: things with Kara are absolutely amazing in a way I never imagined. It's obvious to regular blog/bulletin readers that things are good. In fact, I called her the highlight of my year, and my future. Which prompted some questions from people.
Good questions.
Because until this week, I haven’t really said in public ... on the blog ... just how wonderful it is.
So my average reader, you're probably not yet aware of the depth of ... or the number of ... the connections she and I have.And the most interesting thing about Kara that I’ve never felt with anyone else:
I just believe.
In my head.
And my heart.
But in my head, my brain knows that:
I trust her.
I love her.
I respect her.
I admire her.
And my heart knows as well, because in both my heart and my head, I don’t think about those things.
They just are.
I don’t wonder about those things.
They just are.
I don’t worry about those things.
They just are.
I don’t hope for those things.
They just are.
I just believe.And its been that way from the beginning.
And I’ve never had that before in my life. I didn’t feel the need to be in love with her.
Or the need to be with her.
But it happened.
And I’ve never had that before in my life, either. I’ve always fallen in love, to quote Joel Barrish, with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention.
And where did that get me?
Exactly.
And what’s funny about Kara is it could have happened any number of times with her ... as far back as the early 90s when we were both in the Delaware/Marion area who knows we might have passed each other in Kroger, she might have ordered a burger from me when I was a register jockey at Burger King, we might have reached for the same album at Pat's.
But we didn’t. Or we don't know we did.We might have passed each other every day and never have known it.
Until now.And I’m okay with that.
Because I wasn’t aware that she existed.And I wasn’t aware how perfect she is for me.
Because the me that is now isn’t the me that was then.But to be honest, the me that is me now didn’t even recognize consciously that I was interested in her.
I guess because I wasn’t looking.And she wasn’t looking.
In fact, she and I had discussed the fact that we weren’t looking. Which, I’m learning, is the best way to find someone. By not looking.Now I have to backtrack some here.
When I first moved to Columbus, I was doing the whole online dating thing (again) hoping for better results than I found in Pittsburgh.
Yeah.
And stumbled across a funny, attractive, smart profile headlined, "More than just a nice rack" which immediately caught my attention. (Hey, I have legs. Why would I be a legman) And we talked, online, for a week or so, exchanged emails. She gave me her phone number. I never called. Then a week or so later, I realized I never called her and figured what was the point in trying after waiting that long, so I just kinda gave up and started looking again.
That was Lauren.
And in September when I started blogging on MySpace I stumbled upon her again. And we talked but I was coming out of a relationship and she was just starting one. And Kara is one of Lauren's friends in real life ... and on MySpace ... for a very interesting reason that’s not my story to tell, but funny funny funny.
And me being the flirtatious guy I am ... apparently my comments sparked some questions in Kara, who asked me, via email, one night in November, if I was attracted to Lauren. And me being me, and completely unable to give her a simple monosyllabic answer to a blatant yes or no question, proceeded to write FOUR OR FIVE PAGES of yes but I’m not pursuing for a variety of reasons blah blah blah ... including the fact that I’m not looking and Lauren's involved. And, near the end, I did say to Kara that there were several things about Kara that I was attracted to as well. And I forgot about those things ... until Kara reminded me last week :-)
But I wasn’t consciously aware of the attraction or even looking for anything to spring from that kinda sorta hidden attraction when I invited Kara out to see Autumn Under Echoes/X-Rated Cowboys show in December at Andyman's. And then I showed up an hour late. Luckily she was still there (Thanks Jess!).
And we had a good night. It was fun. It was without pressure. It wasn’t a date so neither of us felt the need to impress the other. We just hung out. And enjoyed the show. It wasn’t until hours later I realized that my normal three-feet-of-distance-at-all-times-from-people wall was totally blown out of the water by her we were sitting close, touching on a platonic level all night long. Which is very unusual for me.
I don’t come from huggy affectionate people.
I am one, but I don’t come from people like that, so it normally takes me a while to let someone into my space. She was in, instantly.
And the next time we saw each other, about weeks later when we had dinner with Lauren at On The Border, according to Lauren, when Kara walked in, my face "lit up."
And I did give Kara the perfect Christmas gift that night ... in fact, she said later it was amazing because it was like I'd know exactly what to get her. Her family, people she’s known most of her life, wouldn’t have known that was the perfect gift to give her, but I did. (BTW it was The Readers Encyclopedia, 1949 edition. Basically, an encyclopedia on everyone, everywhere and everything in fiction. For a woman who majored in nineteenth century British literature, yeah, that was the perfect gift. Thanks to my favorite eBay seller and former neighbor Stephanie Stout for the help finding it in her massive collection of old books to eBay, eventually).
But even that night I wasn’t aware of what I was feeling for Kara. Or even thought anything was possible. Because she wasn't looking. And I wasn't looking. And I really didn't think I was her type (yeah, I'm my own worst enemy, but more on that later).
It wasn’t until we went to the Zoo the week after Christmas to look at the lights that I first felt something. As we were walking in, we were talking about my total lack of desire for a relationship, and Kara said, "But if you meet that perfect woman, you’d be interested, right?" And I said, "Yes, I would be." And we left it at that. Because me, a graduate of the school of reading-way-too-much-into-things, didn't read anything into that.
(And you can read the zoo blog here if you so desire ... December 2005 archives, Local Man Attacked by Crocodiles.)
At some point in the night, as we were walking, talking, admiring, photographing I realized that she’s really amazing. She's smart, funny, determined, guarded, beautiful, witty, has great taste in music and movies, and amazing blue eyes that I get lost in ... and and and ... but I really was doubting that I was her type. So I just kind of started admiring her, detached, like I do (Stalker? Me? NO. Just have been distantly in love, to quote Jimmy Buffett, a few times in my life).
Then as we were rounding the corner back to the beginning of the zoo ... we began a conversation that pretty much started me on a new path in life that I’m still exploring, and will continue to explore, with her and because of her, but not for her.
I asked her why she was going back to grad school. What made her decide to do that.
And she started talking about God's plan and being guided down the right path by decisions she's made in life, and recognizing that every so often, she sees a bit of light on the path that lets
her know she’s going in the right direction. And that helps her make the right decisions.
And then she dropped the bombshell ... how nothing is really random in life when you're aware that God has a grand plan for your life.
That got me thinking about my life and how all the things I thought were random probably weren't. I just didn't realize it. And all of which is blogged here (January 2006 Archives - Anyone have a super computer I can borrow) .
Then we went to see Watershed on New Years Eve.
Blogged here (January 2006 Archives).
And that was the first time I was really feeling the attraction. And I figured what better to have a first kiss than a concert of a band we both liked ... at Midnight on New Year's Eve.
Yeah.
That's perfect.
Well, it didn't work out like I planned.
I mentioned that in a bulletin the next day ... but in a way that really hurt Kara's feelings. Unintentionally. I was going for the comedic approach. And failed. And when I read the words she wrote me in an email, it was then I realized just how much I liked her. And realized I was blowing it. And I realized I really hurt her feelings by what I wrote.
So I deleted the bulletin, picked up the phone (rather than reply to her email ... yeah, that's right. Me, phoning rather than emailing. That's how I knew it was different) and called her.
No answer. I was thinking of leaving a message like this:
The fact that you're not answering leads me to believe you're either (a) not at home, (b) home but don't want to talk to me, or (c) home, desperately want to talk to me, but trapped under something heavy. If it's either (a) or (c), please call me back.
from When Harry Met Sally, but decided against it because my last attempt at humor failed miserably.
So I decided to drive over to her house. I stopped along the way for a little bear holding vase with three red roses. I believe I asked the woman at Flower-Rama for the "I'm an Idiot" section.
If I had a boom box and Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes" I'd have taken that, too.
Because I was going over to her house to tell her how I felt. Because I couldn't let this feeling I had just fade away. I wasn't going to vanish into the woodwork. I was going over there to tell her how I felt. And If I was going down, I was going down in flames.
So I knocked on the door and got no answer.
Because she was at work. Or at least I hoped she was at work. Because either she was at work, or something heavy had fallen on her. Or she was ignoring me knocking on her door. I was hoping for the first and that was the case. She was at work.
And I sent her a text message telling her I left her something on her porch so she wouldn't miss it when she got home and parked in the garage.
Her reply was "Call me." So I did. And we talked. And I confessed that I kinda liked her. And I was an idiot for what I wrote. And she was right by saying she wanted a kiss to mean something
more than a check on a list (part of what I wrote that hurt her feelings). And I told her that I did want it to mean more. And I told her I was afraid of being rejected ... so afraid of losing her as a friend to say anything about how much I was attracted to her. But I couldn't not tell her how I felt because it hurt me to have hurt her feelings like that.
Yeah, it was full-out ramble mode.
And then she confessed she kinda like me, too.
WHAT?
Stop the presses.
It's mutual??!!
And then we both confessed that we were afraid of liking each other and afraid of rushing into things and afraid of repeating past mistakes ... and and and.
So we decided we were going to take things slow.
Super duper slow.
And let them develop if they were going to develop.
Or not develop if they were not meant to develop.
Kinda like that path on life ... we were looking for the little bits of illumination to let us know we were on the right path.
Or not.
And we started seeing those bits of illumination.
And things started building.
Nicely.
Safely.
Slowly.
With serious long-term potential.
And while those feelings were first building, I spent some time talking to Lauren about it because I needed someone to validate that what I was feeling was okay. Because Lauren went through through the same thing with the guy she’s involved with.
It was weird to me because what I was/am feeling is so different than past relationships I've ever had, and so relaxing.
It isn't work.
I don't have to spend every minute thinking about every single detail.
I don't have to stress about what to wear or where to go or what to say or when to call or write or kiss or anything.
I just do what feels right.
And ya know what? It is right.And right on more levels than I've ever connected with anyone before.
But the best part?
We're not worried about the destination. We're not worried about or focused on where the relationship will end up.
We're enjoying the journey that we're on.
Together.
And that's why Kara is the highlight of my year.
And the highlight of my future.
Any questions?
Good questions.
Because until this week, I haven’t really said in public ... on the blog ... just how wonderful it is.
So my average reader, you're probably not yet aware of the depth of ... or the number of ... the connections she and I have.And the most interesting thing about Kara that I’ve never felt with anyone else:
I just believe.
In my head.
And my heart.
But in my head, my brain knows that:
I trust her.
I love her.
I respect her.
I admire her.
And my heart knows as well, because in both my heart and my head, I don’t think about those things.
They just are.
I don’t wonder about those things.
They just are.
I don’t worry about those things.
They just are.
I don’t hope for those things.
They just are.
I just believe.And its been that way from the beginning.
And I’ve never had that before in my life. I didn’t feel the need to be in love with her.
Or the need to be with her.
But it happened.
And I’ve never had that before in my life, either. I’ve always fallen in love, to quote Joel Barrish, with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention.
And where did that get me?
Exactly.
And what’s funny about Kara is it could have happened any number of times with her ... as far back as the early 90s when we were both in the Delaware/Marion area who knows we might have passed each other in Kroger, she might have ordered a burger from me when I was a register jockey at Burger King, we might have reached for the same album at Pat's.
But we didn’t. Or we don't know we did.We might have passed each other every day and never have known it.
Until now.And I’m okay with that.
Because I wasn’t aware that she existed.And I wasn’t aware how perfect she is for me.
Because the me that is now isn’t the me that was then.But to be honest, the me that is me now didn’t even recognize consciously that I was interested in her.
I guess because I wasn’t looking.And she wasn’t looking.
In fact, she and I had discussed the fact that we weren’t looking. Which, I’m learning, is the best way to find someone. By not looking.Now I have to backtrack some here.
When I first moved to Columbus, I was doing the whole online dating thing (again) hoping for better results than I found in Pittsburgh.
Yeah.
And stumbled across a funny, attractive, smart profile headlined, "More than just a nice rack" which immediately caught my attention. (Hey, I have legs. Why would I be a legman) And we talked, online, for a week or so, exchanged emails. She gave me her phone number. I never called. Then a week or so later, I realized I never called her and figured what was the point in trying after waiting that long, so I just kinda gave up and started looking again.
That was Lauren.
And in September when I started blogging on MySpace I stumbled upon her again. And we talked but I was coming out of a relationship and she was just starting one. And Kara is one of Lauren's friends in real life ... and on MySpace ... for a very interesting reason that’s not my story to tell, but funny funny funny.
And me being the flirtatious guy I am ... apparently my comments sparked some questions in Kara, who asked me, via email, one night in November, if I was attracted to Lauren. And me being me, and completely unable to give her a simple monosyllabic answer to a blatant yes or no question, proceeded to write FOUR OR FIVE PAGES of yes but I’m not pursuing for a variety of reasons blah blah blah ... including the fact that I’m not looking and Lauren's involved. And, near the end, I did say to Kara that there were several things about Kara that I was attracted to as well. And I forgot about those things ... until Kara reminded me last week :-)
But I wasn’t consciously aware of the attraction or even looking for anything to spring from that kinda sorta hidden attraction when I invited Kara out to see Autumn Under Echoes/X-Rated Cowboys show in December at Andyman's. And then I showed up an hour late. Luckily she was still there (Thanks Jess!).
And we had a good night. It was fun. It was without pressure. It wasn’t a date so neither of us felt the need to impress the other. We just hung out. And enjoyed the show. It wasn’t until hours later I realized that my normal three-feet-of-distance-at-all-times-from-people wall was totally blown out of the water by her we were sitting close, touching on a platonic level all night long. Which is very unusual for me.
I don’t come from huggy affectionate people.
I am one, but I don’t come from people like that, so it normally takes me a while to let someone into my space. She was in, instantly.
And the next time we saw each other, about weeks later when we had dinner with Lauren at On The Border, according to Lauren, when Kara walked in, my face "lit up."
And I did give Kara the perfect Christmas gift that night ... in fact, she said later it was amazing because it was like I'd know exactly what to get her. Her family, people she’s known most of her life, wouldn’t have known that was the perfect gift to give her, but I did. (BTW it was The Readers Encyclopedia, 1949 edition. Basically, an encyclopedia on everyone, everywhere and everything in fiction. For a woman who majored in nineteenth century British literature, yeah, that was the perfect gift. Thanks to my favorite eBay seller and former neighbor Stephanie Stout for the help finding it in her massive collection of old books to eBay, eventually).
But even that night I wasn’t aware of what I was feeling for Kara. Or even thought anything was possible. Because she wasn't looking. And I wasn't looking. And I really didn't think I was her type (yeah, I'm my own worst enemy, but more on that later).
It wasn’t until we went to the Zoo the week after Christmas to look at the lights that I first felt something. As we were walking in, we were talking about my total lack of desire for a relationship, and Kara said, "But if you meet that perfect woman, you’d be interested, right?" And I said, "Yes, I would be." And we left it at that. Because me, a graduate of the school of reading-way-too-much-into-things, didn't read anything into that.
(And you can read the zoo blog here if you so desire ... December 2005 archives, Local Man Attacked by Crocodiles.)
At some point in the night, as we were walking, talking, admiring, photographing I realized that she’s really amazing. She's smart, funny, determined, guarded, beautiful, witty, has great taste in music and movies, and amazing blue eyes that I get lost in ... and and and ... but I really was doubting that I was her type. So I just kind of started admiring her, detached, like I do (Stalker? Me? NO. Just have been distantly in love, to quote Jimmy Buffett, a few times in my life).
Then as we were rounding the corner back to the beginning of the zoo ... we began a conversation that pretty much started me on a new path in life that I’m still exploring, and will continue to explore, with her and because of her, but not for her.
I asked her why she was going back to grad school. What made her decide to do that.
And she started talking about God's plan and being guided down the right path by decisions she's made in life, and recognizing that every so often, she sees a bit of light on the path that lets
her know she’s going in the right direction. And that helps her make the right decisions.
And then she dropped the bombshell ... how nothing is really random in life when you're aware that God has a grand plan for your life.
That got me thinking about my life and how all the things I thought were random probably weren't. I just didn't realize it. And all of which is blogged here (January 2006 Archives - Anyone have a super computer I can borrow) .
Then we went to see Watershed on New Years Eve.
Blogged here (January 2006 Archives).
And that was the first time I was really feeling the attraction. And I figured what better to have a first kiss than a concert of a band we both liked ... at Midnight on New Year's Eve.
Yeah.
That's perfect.
Well, it didn't work out like I planned.
I mentioned that in a bulletin the next day ... but in a way that really hurt Kara's feelings. Unintentionally. I was going for the comedic approach. And failed. And when I read the words she wrote me in an email, it was then I realized just how much I liked her. And realized I was blowing it. And I realized I really hurt her feelings by what I wrote.
So I deleted the bulletin, picked up the phone (rather than reply to her email ... yeah, that's right. Me, phoning rather than emailing. That's how I knew it was different) and called her.
No answer. I was thinking of leaving a message like this:
The fact that you're not answering leads me to believe you're either (a) not at home, (b) home but don't want to talk to me, or (c) home, desperately want to talk to me, but trapped under something heavy. If it's either (a) or (c), please call me back.
from When Harry Met Sally, but decided against it because my last attempt at humor failed miserably.
So I decided to drive over to her house. I stopped along the way for a little bear holding vase with three red roses. I believe I asked the woman at Flower-Rama for the "I'm an Idiot" section.
If I had a boom box and Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes" I'd have taken that, too.
Because I was going over to her house to tell her how I felt. Because I couldn't let this feeling I had just fade away. I wasn't going to vanish into the woodwork. I was going over there to tell her how I felt. And If I was going down, I was going down in flames.
So I knocked on the door and got no answer.
Because she was at work. Or at least I hoped she was at work. Because either she was at work, or something heavy had fallen on her. Or she was ignoring me knocking on her door. I was hoping for the first and that was the case. She was at work.
And I sent her a text message telling her I left her something on her porch so she wouldn't miss it when she got home and parked in the garage.
Her reply was "Call me." So I did. And we talked. And I confessed that I kinda liked her. And I was an idiot for what I wrote. And she was right by saying she wanted a kiss to mean something
more than a check on a list (part of what I wrote that hurt her feelings). And I told her that I did want it to mean more. And I told her I was afraid of being rejected ... so afraid of losing her as a friend to say anything about how much I was attracted to her. But I couldn't not tell her how I felt because it hurt me to have hurt her feelings like that.
Yeah, it was full-out ramble mode.
And then she confessed she kinda like me, too.
WHAT?
Stop the presses.
It's mutual??!!
And then we both confessed that we were afraid of liking each other and afraid of rushing into things and afraid of repeating past mistakes ... and and and.
So we decided we were going to take things slow.
Super duper slow.
And let them develop if they were going to develop.
Or not develop if they were not meant to develop.
Kinda like that path on life ... we were looking for the little bits of illumination to let us know we were on the right path.
Or not.
And we started seeing those bits of illumination.
And things started building.
Nicely.
Safely.
Slowly.
With serious long-term potential.
And while those feelings were first building, I spent some time talking to Lauren about it because I needed someone to validate that what I was feeling was okay. Because Lauren went through through the same thing with the guy she’s involved with.
It was weird to me because what I was/am feeling is so different than past relationships I've ever had, and so relaxing.
It isn't work.
I don't have to spend every minute thinking about every single detail.
I don't have to stress about what to wear or where to go or what to say or when to call or write or kiss or anything.
I just do what feels right.
And ya know what? It is right.And right on more levels than I've ever connected with anyone before.
But the best part?
We're not worried about the destination. We're not worried about or focused on where the relationship will end up.
We're enjoying the journey that we're on.
Together.
And that's why Kara is the highlight of my year.
And the highlight of my future.
Any questions?
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