This is obviously the result of my over-active imagination ... and was fed by too much coffee and the comment Michelle left on my blog yesterday. She's a telcom analyst for a large national cellular company (can you hear me now? Good.) ... but I won't mention their name. And she spends a good portion of her day explaining things to stupid people (can I call them stupid? Judges? Yes? Even though I haven't met them? Yes? Thanks) ... usually writing / drawing her explanations in crayon. So that's where this came from .... her suggestion that if I had her box of crayons I could have drawn a really cool picture and taped it to my door ... and my thought of if ... and how ... I could use a crayon to kill a man.
So all praise/blame can be directed to her.
And please, if you're from Kentucky, first ... have they overturned the ban on books? Second: Aren't computers and internet access against the law? Oh, that's China. Sorry. Third: How do you type without opposable thumbs?
(But seriously, don't write me hate mail. I'm joking. I think. But if you still feel the need to hate me, do it in silence. I don't have time to attempt to read your email, then print it, correct your spelling and grammar, and mail it back to you. Plus stamps are now 39 cents, and I don't have a $1.17 for postage for the three of you in the state that have figured out to use the email function on Web-TV, or AOL (But seriously, if you do wanna hate me, turn the caps lock off. Please.)
And really ... no offense meant to any native Kentuckians who can read this ... because there aren't any. [HA. I kill me!]. Or to those who have escaped Kentucky and learned to read, and operate a computer. And evolved and grown opposable thumbs. And no offense meant to those who have parents from Kentucky who have escaped, or those who love Kentuckians. (Yes, Lauren, that last one means you!)
Anyway ... yeah, that's a rant, eh? Apparently I hate Kentucky ... or people from Kentucky. Guess it was those years living in Dayton with briers next door and avoiding the puddles of tobacco juice left in the parking lot.
But back to the task at hand. For those of you who never knew me as a newspaper reporter ... here's proof I can write a good crime story. Reporting is one of those things that never goes away ... the ability to see the news angle in everything ... and then write about it.
So ... here ya go ... how things could have turned out if I was in possession of Michelle's box of crayons:
Super-stressed geek kills annoying user with crayon.
COLUMBUS - After repeatedly telling his co-workers that the network was down and they were unable to print, access file servers, or download porn from the internet, a normally mild-mannered systems administrator snapped yesterday morning and killed an annoying user by stabbing him in the throat with a finely sharpened crayon.
The local prosecutor has rejected filing charges, claiming the killing was done in self-defense. "Let's be honest. At some point in our careers, we've all wanted - and threatened - to destroy company computer assets," the prosecutor said. "Who among us hasn't slapped a monitor, repeatedly clicked a mouse button when an application was unresponsive, or pounded on a keyboard in frustration? Yeah, that's what I thought. We're all guilty of computer abuse. And when the user entered the data center without permission, and in a threatening manner according to the webcam footage we have on file, we feel the already stressed sysadmin was merely protecting himself from harm; his computer assets from abuse, and his coffee from being accidentally used as a spittoon. The deceased was from Kentucky. All those briers are known for mistakenly spitting tobacco juice into coffee cups. Ever tasted coffee laced with Redman? Not recommended.
"The lesson we hope the community learns here is this: Never, ever threaten to harm technology, or give a sysadmin the briefest thought his caffeine supply is in danger. The results, as you can see, can be fatal," the prosecutor said in a statement typed in Trebuchet MS font, 12 point, bold, using Microsoft Word and printed on an Ricoh copier/printer/fax and released to local media.
Columbus police realized the killing was justified and refused to arrest the sysadmin, and later admitted they are considering hiring the sysadmin to do some consulting work on the side. "His ability to kill users without remorse, or even breaking a crayon, is admirable," said CPD spokesman Isaac Mizrahi. Mizrahi was recently hired to help the CPD's image, despite his groping of Scarlet Johansson's golden globes at the awards show of the same name. "But his choice of colors? Fabulous. Choosing magenta to hide the blood? That's brilliant. We need more free-thinkers who can match the color of their weapon of choice to the results of the intended use. If he only had moobs for me to fondle, he'd be perfect.
A spokesperson for the company the sysadmin was employed at said no disciplinary action would be forthcoming. "He repeatedly announced the network was down and he was working on fixing it. And he repeatedly said it was a system-wide problem, and there was nothing he could do for any single person individually, and individual issues would have to wait. What's that Star Trek Prime Directive? The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, right? Yeah.
"Quite frankly, we're surprised he was able to stab the guy while juggling two phones and working on three servers. But that's why we hired him - his ability to multitask in stressful situations. Besides, the carpet needed cleaning, the pool of blood just gave us a good reason to justify it.
"And let's be honest. First, the guy he killed was from our Kentucky plant. So he wasn't all that smart to begin with. Second, the guy would have been dead soon anyway from the toxins we pump through the Kentucky facility, We've found it cuts down on the retirement benefits we have to pay. Oh, can you strike that? No. Damn. Okay, press conference over. I gotta go call my broker and sell my stock before this hits the airwaves."