I know ... the blog title is "Honesty is such a shallow grave" ... but fuck me running, I really should have lied.
Right through my teeth.
But no, I took the high road to avoid being an asshole.
Right through my teeth.
But no, I took the high road to avoid being an asshole.
I told her the truth.
And yet again, wound up the asshole.
I know two certainties in my life:
1. Someday, I will die.
2. Someday, I will figure at least one woman out. Before I end up in her version of assholeville.
I'm hoping that the latter happens many many years before the former.
I reached a point in my life where I felt ready to date again. With a purpose. I wanted to find my last first date. Because I'm ready for that. I'm back in the city I want to spend the rest of my life in. And I want someone to share this city - and all the other cities we choose to travel.
So I poke around a bit on line, go back to the tried and true Yahoo Personals. Looking around, I see a couple of women who catch my eye. One of them, we'll call her A, is really appealing in a lot of ways. We email, we chat on the phone, a date is set, she cancels. I extend an offer to reschedule. Said offer goes unanswered for five days. Okay, obviously something changed between her saying 'yes' to the date and her deciding four hours prior to said date she wasn't going to show. At least she called to cancel, didn't leave me to show up alone, wait alone, make some phone calls, get pissed off and leave, alone. Which is why I extended the offer to reschedule.
When she does call back, FIVE DAYS LATER, I'm not at a place I can take the call. It goes to voice mail. And really, after five days of no response, I'll admit I wasn't all that interested in trying to talk over a loud band (what? Me at a place a band plays loud? What are the odds of that?).
So I'm telling a friend this story. Said friend asks to see a picture of A. I send her a photo. She says, "Wow. She looks just like B." (B is an old girlfriend. We lived together for a while, then realized she wanted to get married, have kids, move back to her state of origin. I had no desire to get married, have another kid (or two) or move back to her home state. So those three things were the deal breakers. The long-term angle failed. The short term was great. So it's not like it ended for stupid reasons.)
After hearing friend say, "Wow. She looks just like B." I realized friend was absolutely right. I was attracted to her specifically because she looked like B. We all have a type, nothing wrong with that. However, when A and B could be sisters ... not good. And after I had that pointed out to me (that A looked like B) ... I could not look at her without seeing B.
Which I know is totally unfair to A. I'm sure, based on the hour we spent on the phone, and the couple of emails, that A is uniquely different than B in many respects, and if we had spent time together I would learn the uniqueness of A and see her as A ... not as B.
However, I was once the A in a very similar equation. And I found this out when I met her parents and her mom kept calling me ... the name of her daughter - my date's - B. I didn't answer, because it's not my name, and I didn't notice. It wasn't until said date (actually, girlfriend at this point) said to her mother, "His name is Eric, not 'B'" ... and her mother responded, "Well, he looks just like B."
I'll admit to feeling the fool for a while after that. Like her attraction to me wasn't based on who I am, but who I looked like. That stung.
And when I realized I was on the other end ... that I had the A who looked like the B ... I had to be honest. After a couple of weeks of no contact (ball was in my court, I didn't write/call/text), I send A a message saying this: "Sorry I didn't return your calls. Not going to give you some 'been busy' excuse or other line. I realized I was attracted to you because you remind me of someone else, and that's not fair to you."
Her response: "Well, if my resemblance to her concludes my chances of getting to know you then that is a shame. Because, while I may look exactly like her, who knows if I am remotely like her or not....I guess you'll never know. I hope you're not missing out on a great possibility. Either way, good luck in finding what you seek."
I should have lied. I should have told her I was busy. But no, I take the high road, once again, only to find it leads to assholeville. Where, apparently, I'm the mayor this month.
Seriously ... what should I have done? Waited for someone to tell her she looks like B ??
I'm thinking of going back to the hermit hole.
I know two certainties in my life:
1. Someday, I will die.
2. Someday, I will figure at least one woman out. Before I end up in her version of assholeville.
I'm hoping that the latter happens many many years before the former.
I reached a point in my life where I felt ready to date again. With a purpose. I wanted to find my last first date. Because I'm ready for that. I'm back in the city I want to spend the rest of my life in. And I want someone to share this city - and all the other cities we choose to travel.
So I poke around a bit on line, go back to the tried and true Yahoo Personals. Looking around, I see a couple of women who catch my eye. One of them, we'll call her A, is really appealing in a lot of ways. We email, we chat on the phone, a date is set, she cancels. I extend an offer to reschedule. Said offer goes unanswered for five days. Okay, obviously something changed between her saying 'yes' to the date and her deciding four hours prior to said date she wasn't going to show. At least she called to cancel, didn't leave me to show up alone, wait alone, make some phone calls, get pissed off and leave, alone. Which is why I extended the offer to reschedule.
When she does call back, FIVE DAYS LATER, I'm not at a place I can take the call. It goes to voice mail. And really, after five days of no response, I'll admit I wasn't all that interested in trying to talk over a loud band (what? Me at a place a band plays loud? What are the odds of that?).
So I'm telling a friend this story. Said friend asks to see a picture of A. I send her a photo. She says, "Wow. She looks just like B." (B is an old girlfriend. We lived together for a while, then realized she wanted to get married, have kids, move back to her state of origin. I had no desire to get married, have another kid (or two) or move back to her home state. So those three things were the deal breakers. The long-term angle failed. The short term was great. So it's not like it ended for stupid reasons.)
After hearing friend say, "Wow. She looks just like B." I realized friend was absolutely right. I was attracted to her specifically because she looked like B. We all have a type, nothing wrong with that. However, when A and B could be sisters ... not good. And after I had that pointed out to me (that A looked like B) ... I could not look at her without seeing B.
Which I know is totally unfair to A. I'm sure, based on the hour we spent on the phone, and the couple of emails, that A is uniquely different than B in many respects, and if we had spent time together I would learn the uniqueness of A and see her as A ... not as B.
However, I was once the A in a very similar equation. And I found this out when I met her parents and her mom kept calling me ... the name of her daughter - my date's - B. I didn't answer, because it's not my name, and I didn't notice. It wasn't until said date (actually, girlfriend at this point) said to her mother, "His name is Eric, not 'B'" ... and her mother responded, "Well, he looks just like B."
I'll admit to feeling the fool for a while after that. Like her attraction to me wasn't based on who I am, but who I looked like. That stung.
And when I realized I was on the other end ... that I had the A who looked like the B ... I had to be honest. After a couple of weeks of no contact (ball was in my court, I didn't write/call/text), I send A a message saying this: "Sorry I didn't return your calls. Not going to give you some 'been busy' excuse or other line. I realized I was attracted to you because you remind me of someone else, and that's not fair to you."
Her response: "Well, if my resemblance to her concludes my chances of getting to know you then that is a shame. Because, while I may look exactly like her, who knows if I am remotely like her or not....I guess you'll never know. I hope you're not missing out on a great possibility. Either way, good luck in finding what you seek."
I should have lied. I should have told her I was busy. But no, I take the high road, once again, only to find it leads to assholeville. Where, apparently, I'm the mayor this month.
Seriously ... what should I have done? Waited for someone to tell her she looks like B ??
I'm thinking of going back to the hermit hole.
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