Well, that doesn't make sense

I had the greatest discussion about Easter this week with a member of the God Squad who interrupted my oatmeal at breakfast at Cracker Barrel:

God Squad Member: So are you ready to give thanks to Jesus in celebration of his resurrection on Easter Sunday?

Me (pissed off because I just wanna eat and read my newspaper, but I engage in conversation because I have time to kill): I don't celebrate Easter that way. I just eat chocolate rabbits and color eggs.

GSM: Oh. Well, that's not very spiritual.

Me: No. I have trouble believing in all of that.

GSM: Well, perhaps I can answer your questions.

Me: (salivating at the turn of this conversation cause I love engaging in debate): Let's start at the beginning.

GSM: Like how far back?

Me: Just the Jesus story. Jesus was born on December 25th, right?

GSM: Yes.

Me: And he was sentenced to death on Palm Sunday, right?

GSM: Yes.

Me: And was crucified on Good Friday and died?

GSM: Yes.

Me: And then three days later he rose from the dead and ascended into Heaven, right?

GSM: Yes. That's Easter Sunday. I'm impressed. You know quite a bit for not really believing in it.

Me: I'm a reader. I've read the Bible twice. So let me ask you this: How do you know those dates?

GSM: The Bible explains it all.

Me: Yeah, I've read that. And the Bible said Jesus was born on December 25th, which was just an regular day back then, because, well, Santa wasn't invented until the 1800's.

GSM: Yes. And sadly, yes, on Santa.

Me: But we're positive on the date, right?

GSM: Yes. The Bible says that's the day.

Me: Okay. And that's solidly accepted in our culture because we celebrate and-or bastardize that day starting in, oh, September in some retail establishments.

GSM: Unfortunately.

Me: Jesus was 33 when he died, right?

GSM: Yes. The son of God was killed by the Romans, who were afraid of the one true son showing the imperfections of man.

Me: But we don't know the exact dates of the crucifixion, death and resurrection, do we?

GSM: Well, yeah, we know it started on Good Friday.

Me: Which is not only a different date every year, but fluctuates between the months of March and April. But always on Friday, like we have federal holidays on Mondays so government workers can have an extra day off.

GSM: There's a formula they use.

Me: Oh really. (Now if you know me, you know that's the key phrase that pays ... that's the drinking phrase. That's the part of the conversation where Eric gets out his hammer and nails you to the wall, usually with your own words.) Well, that doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. Can you define 'they' and do you know how 'they' figure it out? And when do 'they' make the calendar? Has to be years ahead of time. And since 'they' can't figure out when Jesus died, despite having legal documentation in a majority of court cases, how come 'they' are absolutely convinced that he was born on December 25th. Were the animals in the barn better recordkeepers? Did the innkeeper only ever have one night when the "No Vacancy" sign was posted? How are 'they' are convinced that December 25th is the day Jesus was born. (and yes, I made the quote marks with my fingers)

GSM: I celebrate Easter when the church calendar says I should. I don't question it. I believe.

Me: Oh. Well, that doesn't make sense either. The Romans are historically noted for amazing record keeping and written logs of all court proceedings, which have been historically accurate and carbon dated on some remains. Yet here, we have no proof and the date always changes and ... and you say you just believe the calendar? A framework made by man? Who's so flawed and imperfect?

GSM (snidely said): Do you know that if you don't believe in Jesus and accept him as your savior you'll burn in hell for eternity?

Me: So I've been threated before. My take: I'll have friends there.

GSM: Not me. When I die I'll be in Heaven with Jesus.

Me: Good luck with that. But let me ask you one last question.

GSM: Okay.

Me: I don't believe in your version of the life and death of your savior because it is flawed and full of holes; why should I believe in the punishment that awaits me for not believing?

GSM: Well, I've taken enough of your time. I'll let you get back to your breakfast.

Me: Yeah. Thanks for the help figuring all that out.

GSM: I don't think I was any help to you at all.

Me: And scene

GSM: What?

Me: Never mind. Have a nice Easter.

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