I used to be on a mailing list for Springsteen bootlegs ... we'd swap them via MP3 downloads or CD/DVD trades. My email signature at the time was:
"Think of how dumb the average American is, and then remember that half the country is dumber than that."
I received the following question:
"Hey. I have a question. That line at the bottom of your email that says think of how dumb the average American is and remember that half the population is dumber than that. How is it possible that half of us are dumber than average?"
My curt response: "Do the math." Never heard back from him.
I soon changed email signatures to this:
"If someone tells you you're on in a million, there are a thousand people just like you in India."
I received the following response:
"If I'm one in a million, how can there be a thousand people like me anywhere?"
My curt response: "Do the math." Never heard back from her.
Most of the rest of my responses had to do with personal ads. I've posted my favorites before, mostly from foreign women who have trouble with English, or obviously use bad translation software. One of the best:
I put desire into parameter and machine give me you.
That's the headline I'm gonna use if I ever post another ad.
But my absolute favorite was an email exchange I had with someone on Match.com ... Mind you, this was the FIRST impression I got of her because she did not have a picture to view ... and I'm always wary of those. So here's how not to impress me:
"its be two yrs i only dated one guy before that i been married 12 yrs.....i like to date someone is not in to drugs and crazy party life at weekend all the time....i like a man that take's care of him self and care about his family and love kids ..being layed back and vary loveing ,funny,care about people and life it self.......i do like to cuddle hold hands and maybe kiss if i like you .. i enjoy being with family and friends i like to be silly and make people happy and being with my boys thay 1# in my life now and to dance and clean my home with radio on . i like to dance the night away at a clean friendy club and take rides in the car anywhere and talk about anything some day i like to travel ..and have fun indoor and out side..i love to draw and paint , play games with my kids i love save money and go to walmart and anywhere to save a buck i love music such as old rock,hair medle,hiphop,love song, old country 70 ,80, some todays and even 50.. "
So I write back and ask her if English is her second language because her message was difficult to follow and if she lives in America, because I don't really want to date a women who's in another country ... it makes a quick evening out logistically a nightmare. So her reply was:
"Get this I was born in florda but never seen it. I live here? never minds, I don't wanna date with you. I like a man that got comminsence and respect to women and others!!!!my mother alway told me to give recpect you get respect"
Apparently, I'm guessing I disrespected her. Or dissed, as the kids say. Of course, she probably told her friends I dished her. "What is a saucer or a full dinner plate?" I was going to write back and ask if her name was Nell but didn't really want to have to explain that Jodie Foster movie to her.
I got the greatest email from someone on MySpace that made me realize that there are so many stupid people who just don't understand how truly stupid they really are.
Basically, she said she loved my profile, thought I was clever, cute and sounded interesting, enjoyed the fact I can write in complete sentences, and she wanted to share that feedback with me.
So far, so good.
She then added she has no desire to meet me, or talk further about anything, because she doesn't get along with people in my age group.
Oh, so despite the fact she says I'm clever, cute and sound interesting, I'm already off her list because of the simple fact I'm 37 and being judged by other people in my age bracket? Um, she's 29 ... that's not the same street, but hell, same neighborhood. And besides, we're still within the 8 year range the Chinese recommend.
But what kills me is the fact she wrote me to tell me this? Well, thanks for nothing.
So my answer was:
"OMFG, I never knew I was so old. Thanks for pointing that out to me.
"Where's my walker? Those darn kids are always hiding my walker.
"And for the record, I don't find you cute, clever or interesting in return. I don't know if you were fishing for a compliment here, trying to get me to chase you or just playing some dumb-ass game, but you get none of the above.
"Have a nice life."
Again, I ask, wtf is wrong with people? And why do idiots always manage to find me?