So, can I get some of that?

I wrote about attraction being a funny thing a while ago ... about what makes one person attractive to another ... or not attractive. And how it can be the same thing. Cause life's all about preferences.

That prompted some dialog with friends that led to these two questions:
  1. Is who you're physically attracted to a reflection of your own view of your own attractiveness? Do you feel pretty, oh so pretty, as pretty as pretty can be? (or handsome, or hot, or whatever phrase you choose.)

  2. Does the intelligence of who you're attracted to show the level of intelligence you think you have.
Basically, just how much of a role does how you see yourself impact how you look at others with in the "can I get some of that?" way.

Well, it's pretty big role.

How I view myself, and who I'm attracted to, has changed a lot in the past three years since I've had weight-loss surgery, dropped 130+ pounds, 14 inches off my waist, and a whole shitload of doubt and insecurity that comes hand-in-hand with a low self opinion. Especially in the past four months.

For the first time since my early 20's, I see me as physically attractive, and that's really had a whole lot more of an impact on me mentally that I expected, and it's taking me a long time to come to grips with it.

Like anything of that magnitude would.

I looked back at the two solid relationships I had after my divorce. Both are attractive women, who physically appeal to me. Both are intelligent. One was based on that physical spark, and after that spark turned into fire and then turned into cooling embers, there was nothing else to build on. The second was a solid mental attraction on top of a physical one. It ended initially for a lot of reasons - lack of communication on my part was perhaps the biggest. It ended the second and final time because I moved away from Columbus.

Since then, I've had a series of bad first dates - and non-dates - that have both amused and baffled me. Frustrated me beyond belief as to what I'm doing wrong, or doing too right, to cause this parade of bizarre dates - or prevent a date from even happening.

With the help of a friend who has no problem telling me what I'm doing wrong, I finally realized what was causing me to be attracted to the wrong types for me since moving out of Columbus:

When you have a low self opinion, you find you'll take any kind of attention - any kind of affection - even if it comes with unattractive qualities, because you feel your own issues balance it out.

As long as the scales are even, or not too warped in one direction or the other.

On the flip side, however, when you have a solid self-opinion of yourself, you find you won't put up with much extra on the scale at all.

In fact, as soon as you feel your side of the scales rising ... as their baggage or issues or subscriptions reveal themselves, odds are you find a way to quickly get off that ride - gracefully walking away, or jumping off without a look over your shoulder.

I've done both this year.


I guess I've realized if I'm going to get involved, it's going to be with someone deserving of who I am today. Who I am now.

Not what I have been.

And I won't settle for anything, or anyone, less.


Anonymous said...

My mama also used to say "pretty is as pretty does." Perhaps you were prettier with 130 extra pounds.

Brian said...

Sounds good to me. I see lots of changes so far and it's been 6 months.

Good luck on your search