Do what's good for you

So apparently I suck at blogging, too.

Yeah, I haven't been writing much. I've been reading a lot. Studying for certification exams.

And fighting with my apartment complex over a satellite dish.

They tell me I can't put one outside because of the way the lease is written. Then they have an exclusive agreement with a shitty cable company that prevents any other company from servicing this complex. So much for freedom of choice, eh? And I've been avoiding people in general because I've been feeling rather anti-social.

Basically I've been holed up in my apartment trying to get my life together because August has been a very weird month for me.

Yes, I broke up with Kara.

Yes, I miss her.

Yes, I'm sorry I hurt her.

No, I don't see us getting back together.

No, we haven't talked since it happened three weeks ago.

And I don't know if there's really anything else to say. Yes, there were reasons. No, it was nothing she did. I'm in a very weird state in my life right now and nothing makes sense.

I'm finally going to get my life in order. Get my feet on the ground. Figure out where I'm going to live, work, finish my degree and figure out who and what I am before I get involved with anyone.

And all of that will take me a couple of years, I figure, so I'm taking this time for me.

So I'm trying to clear out the clutter in my head, figure out where I am, who I am, what I want out of life, and were I want to be, both as a person and geographically.

I think the biggest thing impacting me, at this point, is not working. Because I've never not had a job.

Because I've always needed a paycheck.

Now, until the end of September, I have a paycheck and no job. Sounds like a dream, eh?

Yes, and no.

It's weird not working.

I lose track of days. I lose track of time. I sleep weird hours (weirder than normal).

I read a lot.

Studying for certification exams. (Yeah, I know I said it. But really, that's what I've been doing a lot of.)

I play with my camera.

A lot.

Because I'm learning how to use my new camera. I've been cleaning in ways I've never cleaned before. I'm shopping at Lowe's for storage bins so I can organize the stuff in my parts closet that has been living in computer boxes for years.

So I can sell it on eBay and buy camera stuff :-)

I've been paying bills. I went out on the web and got my credit report and found four things to dispute, two of which have been resolved in my favor and removed from my credit report.

I've paid off seven other things that will help me in many different ways down the road. But basically, I've been avoiding most contact with other people because I just haven't felt social. Other than spending time with my family (and Kerry, who's like family), I've just been hanging out with me.

So if I haven't returned a phone call or email message, it's not you. It's me.

And I'm doing what's good for me. And yes, in the process, someone I care about got hurt.

And I'm sorry for that.

But I have to love me before I can love someone else.