The New Testament: King Trump Edition 10 Commandments, updated for 2017 America.

The New Testament: King Trump Edition 10 Commandments, updated for 2017 America.

1. The US Dollar is the Lord your God: You shall not honor foreign currencies before me. Unless you're bribing me. And they're not traceable. I prefer Russian bonds. They are the best.
2. You shall not take the name of Trump your God in vain. I'll sue the pants off you. I have great lawyers. Believe me, they're great.
3. Remember to keep holy the weekend. Which is why I'm taking this, and probably every other, weekend off. Don't want to drunkingly sign executive orders calling for the immediate incarceration of those crooked Clintons and my other political enemies this weekend while I'm celebrating. With the Clintons. We're friends. She's a nice lady. I'm the new president. I shouldn't have to work weekends. It's not like I'm taking any salary for this. I might just work four ten-hour days and call it a week. A 40-hour work week for everyone makes America great again.
4. Honor your father and your mother. Especially if they give you small loans, like when I got a million from my father in the 70's. Didn't everyone get that?
5. You shall not kill. But I can shoot somebody on 5th Avenue and still not lose any votes. Unless you're standing your ground. 
6. You shall not commit adultery. That's a Presidential exclusive in the Trump administration. And before I was president. Because it's part of the Trump Family Values.
7. You shall not steal. That's reserved for the Mexicans. Rape too.
8. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. But you better report his Muslim ass if he's plotting against America. Because they all are. Or if he's a raping Mexican, here illegally. I'll deport his ass starting Day 1. I mean Day 3. Weekend off. 
9. You shall not covet your neighbor's wife. Again, that's Droit du seigneur. You'll wind up on the other side of the wall.
10. You shall not covet your neighbor's goods. Only covet things with the Trump label. They're the best.