I work from home, as most of you know, and rarely have to wear pants or venture out during the day, so my car doesn't get driven that often. Since we got a brand new Honda at the end of August, it's gotten driven a whole lot less. Like maybe twice a month or so, usually if I have shit to do on a Saturday when Allie's working, or I need to go get my mail. Or I decided to take an actual lunch break, put on pants and grab some drive-thru. But apparently, I've not done either of those for a couple of weeks.
Last Saturday, we decided to drive my car downtown for the Youngstown Beer Fest, figuring on taking a cab home, then collecting it the next morning. Parking overnight downtown can sometimes be shady, so why subject the new car to it, right?
Right.
Unfortunately, my car wouldn't start. Had that clicking sound that usually means battery. I've had my share of shitmobiles, I know that sound. Not a big deal. I'll go down on Sunday and use my portable jump starter battery pack.
Which I promptly forget about until Allie reminded me of last night.
And I realized the portable jump starter battery pack has been in the trunk since, oh, the car before this. Including all winter. Which usually drains batteries.
Yep.
It's dead, Jim. It wasn't charged at all. Not even enough juice to register a blip.
It's dead, Jim. It wasn't charged at all. Not even enough juice to register a blip.
No problem. I'll just charge it up overnight, right?
Nope.
The wall charger is not in the box. Meaning it's probably in the box of miscellaneous kitchen materials in my storage unit, packed away since November. And while I probably have a charger that will fit the hole, I have no idea if it matches the polarity, amperage, or voltage. I'm not an electrical engineer by any stretch of the imagination, but I do know charging an acid-based portable jump starter battery pack with an unknown charger is probably not a good idea.
Okay, so I'll just charge it in the car as we headed to Akron for The Clarks and Erica Blinn & The Handsome Machine last night. It's like 2/3rds charged. Should work.
Should.
Before I start, being the eternal optimist, I pop the key in the ignition, turn it hoping to hear the 2.2 Liter Ecotec engine roar to life. But I get nothing and have to like it.
Not even a click.
No worries. I'll charge it, jump it and drive around for an hour or so. It's Saturday, I got nothing else to do until later, so I'm cool with that.
So I pop the hood and start looking for the battery. Now, mind you, I've had this car about five months, and this is the second time I've been under the hood looking for something. The first time was when the power steering stopped being power steering. I figured it needed fluid.
Nope.
Electronic Power Assist Steering. No fluid. Anywhere.
So I came up empty on that. And all summer, when the wires got too hot, the power steering quits. Quality is job 1 at GM, right?
Nope.
Anyway, back to the battery. I can't find it.
Seriously.
Like I said, I've had my share of shitmobiles. I'm quite proficient at changing batteries, alternators, tires, radiator hoses, all the things that go wrong in shitmobiles.
But I can't find the battery.
I see a post that looks like a battery post, but it's connected to the fuse box. Okay. This makes no sense. And what do we do when things make no sense these days?
How To: Change The Battery In Your Cobalt
Step 1 Open truck, remove anything in there, and remove the carpet panel, exposing the spare tire well and battery box.
WTF? Really, Google? It's in the trunk? THE TRUNK?
Whoever designed this car must have been higher than Snoop on a day off.
Fine.
Further googling tells me there is a way to jump start it. That post I mentioned? Totally the positive connection. And I don't see ... oh, wait, there's the Negative symbol on ... it looks like ... yep, the shock absorber bolt.
Okay.
I use their suggested method of jumping the car with the portable jump starter battery pack, and I'm getting nothing. Turn the key?
Okay.
I use their suggested method of jumping the car with the portable jump starter battery pack, and I'm getting nothing. Turn the key?
The Sounds of Silence.
Great song, but a bad result when you're trying to jump a car with a portable jump starter battery pack.
Then I remember I have jumper cables in the trunk. Because I've owned my share of shitmobiles. They're very handy to have. I recommend them to everyone. No worries. I'll get the new Honda, park in front, use the suggested method of jumping the battery. Yeah, that'll work.
Nope.
I can't get the key out of the ignition. It won't go from ACC to LOCK without power, apparently, because of the security system I still haven't figured out.
Yep. I can't get the key out of the ignition.
WAIT.
I have a trunk monkey button. I'll just use that.
Nope.
The internal trunk release relies on power. And I have no juice. I mean, none.
Some days, you just have to laugh.
