I'm really hating the email lately ...

In addition to having to weed through 569 emails following my 11-day vacation from work, I was roaming around my personal inbox and found something that just made me smile ear to fucking ear.

For reals. Ear-To-Fucking-Ear.

Delivered to me via the wonders of Yahoo email, was a missive I've been dreaming of receiving.  And no, it wasn't Anna Kournikova naked.  (That's an old virus, people!) What I received, for all intents and purposes ... was news I'd been waiting to hear for a long, long, time.

FINALLY ... I had an opportunity to break free from Armstrong's One Wire and Infinite Problems.  I work at home I need both internet and phone bundled, and DSL isn't an option where I live, neither is Time Warner (who I loved in Niles)  And there are three reasons I can't get a dish ... first because I live on the wrong side of the building; second because I need better internet speeds than they offer; and finally, because I have to have a bundled phone solution for work. 

So to hear that another option ... and one I wanted ... was finally available in my area ... I was stoked beyond belief.

I'll use the good points from their email in quotes ... read along with my excitement!

"Retire cable. The future is here."    YES ... I can get rid of Armstrong's shitty cable/internet/phone service! So I kept reading what was available based on this finely crafted marketing email ... and hell yeah I was picking up the pimp hand to dial the phone and sign up for this shit!

Check out this impressive list of features:

• "HD TV and DVR
• "Record up to four shows at once, play them back in any room
• "Pause in one room, resume in another
• "Playback recorded shows on all TVs at once, at different times
• "TV packages starting at $19 a month. 
• "Access to 130 HD channels and growing
• "Schedule DVR sessions and watch TV on your smartphone
• "Professional standard installation included with most packages
• "No term commitment
• "A 30-day money-back guarantee - bring it all home with no risk and all reward" 

How fucking cool is all of that?  Beats the fuck out of Armstrong feature wise, price wise, and since it's all new fiber that's been run to support this ... odds are good I'd not have had to call Armstrong every other week when my shit breaks and I can't porno surf.  (I mean, can't work. Yeah. Can't . Work.)

Then, in what has to be the biggest taint-kick in my recent karma history, I got down to the last line:

"Please call us today at 1-800-FUCK-YOU to enable AT&T UVerse service at your OLD ADDRESS IN COLUMBUS.  HA Fuck you, fanboy.  You suck."

(Okay, maybe I made up some of that statement, but seriously, AT&T finally is offering UVerse in my old neighborhood in Columbus ... and since I asked for it on their website ... oh, two years ago when it wasn't available, they decided to tease me now that it is ... and because I don't live there anymore.)

/fuckers