Dammit, I lost my stress

So ... after more than 15 months of an insane workload that included moving from Columbus back to Youngstown and three large enterprise level projects that pretty much killed my life ... I'm FINALLY going to take some time off work here in September ... basically starting Friday and running through September 14th, when I return to the office.

Except "the office" is now my dining room, as officially, beginning tomorrow, I'm one of the thousands of 'virtual employees' that work from a home-based office.  So, here's my evolving home office:

This isn't the final view ... I've not finalized it yet ... there will be three 22" wide screen monitors rather than the one 22" and one 19" you see ... and a filing cabinet on the left with a printer on top, but this is pretty much what I'll be working with from a furniture point.

This is what it replaced.  So yeah ... huge increase in desk space, work space, looks and ergonomics.

In addition to that ... two of the biggest projects I've ever worked on both ended today.  One of them piggybacked off the huge anti-virus project I was that started in July 2009 ... so I've been kicking ass at work basically since July 2009 without stopping.

Then, as of today, it just stopped.  The projects ended, the speculation as to us being home-officed or forcing to move to another location ... ended.  We're virtual ... and as for the hard-core projects ... I'm back in the general work-flow, not dedicated to huge projects that kill my life.

For the first time in 15 months not only can I breathe, but I feel like I can get stuff done.  Today I did six loads of laundry before noon.  I slept great last night for the first time in probably six weeks (which included two on-call shifts).  I'm just finally in a good point personally and professionally.  It's weird for me, having not had either, basically for three years now.

I think working from home is going to be a HUGE part of that.  There's no stress in driving to work ... I'm not spending $5 on breakfast and $10 on lunch every day;   I have a kick-ass desk, and home office setup. My company is paying for my Internet and phone, and since I'm not working in Youngstown anymore, I'm not paying that insane income tax ... so I'll have more money in my pocket and less stress about getting to work.  A seven-step walk beats the hell out of a seven-mile drive ... especially with winter coming this way soon.

Another big part is the confidence I've gained in these three projects ... I went from standard day-to-day support to three enterprise level projects that impacted 3,000+ servers and forced me to step up my game to deal with something on this scale.

And then there's my personal life, which is also rolling along nicely and enjoyable.  Things with Sarah have had a couple of ups and downs, but we've worked through them and are moving forward. And I'm glad I'll have more time to enjoy it.  I signed a new lease so I'm going to be in Austintown for another year, which is good with me ... I like Austintown ... and to be honest, I really wasn't in the mood to move again.  I like my little box at the top of the stairs. But I have no Indian rug or a pipe to share, sorry.

But yeah ... finally ... I really feel I can relax. I can breathe. I can enjoy my non-working hours doing things I want to do ... and not spending all day and night sitting in front of my computer building servers or cleaning viruses and all that stuff.

Yay me!

It's not you, it's me. Really.

The map of another sadly typical day for me:  (well, the sickness isn't typical. I think it was just something I ate Monday night might have been left out too long.

• Finished working about 3:30 a.m. Tuesday.  Went to bed.
• Woke up about 8:30 to the alarm clock on the table and an alarm clock from my stomach not feeling good. Fighting a stomach flu most of the morning.
• Finally got out of bed feeling empty and slightly better at 12:30 p.m. after the DayQuil Cold & Flu set it.  
• Started working while sipping soup about 12:45. p.m.
• Conference call from 2 until 3 p.m.
• Working on my Anti Virus client upgrades until 5:30 p.m. 
• Nap until 10 p.m.  when the actual client upgrades started.  Difficult region, lots of manual remediation.
• Start working at 10 ... finish up at 4:00 a.m.
• Will probably get to sleep until about 8:00 a.m. when the phone will start ringing with complaints about the upgrades.

So ... as to why most of you don't see or hear from me, this is what I've been doing since January started.

It's not you, it's me.  Really.

New Job Update

Things I like about my new job (other than the fact it's in Columbus):

• Working in a building with 1,000+ people. It's nice to see new faces on a daily basis.
• Not having a laptop. Because it means no after hours work, no on-call, no remote support. Yay me, having a life again. When 5:00 rolls around I head home and leave work at work.
• Having a defined, detailed job description (gotta love government lists and regulations) that has the famous last line of "Other Duties as assigned."
• Parking in the furthest lot away from the building because I'm new and parking is based on position and seniority. The upswing ... at least I'm getting my exercise!

Things I need to adjust to:

• Working in a building with 1,000+ people. I worked in a building that initially had 25 people, when I left there were 20, because, YMDC people reading this - "Less is better." Prior to this position, I worked in a building that had 15. It's been over 3 years since I've had to deal with seeing people I don't know by name.
• Working in a building with multiple bathrooms ... and multi-person bathrooms. That's quite different, too.
• Not having free coffee at work. This sucks.

Things I don't like about my new job:

• 
  
  

Yay Me. I did it, again!

Well, after months of learning, studying and taking practice exams, I am now officially a Citrix Certified Administrator for Citrix Presentation Server 4.

What that means to you non IT people ... it's a professional certification that will help me in both my job hunt and ability to command a better than average salary. Citrix is cool stuff that helps save time and money on software and hardware by leveraging applications on servers versus installing them on every single desktop or laptop. Basically, your company of 100 people could share 50 licensed copies of Microsoft Office, rather than having to purchase a copy of Office for all 100 people.

Anyways ... now that I'm back in school (again) ... and working into 300 and 400 level classes, perhaps I'll finally finish that elusive Bachelor's Degree I want. Eventually

Learning is delicious.

Haphazard Musings

... cause I got tired of my blogs all saying Random Thoughts, so I hit the Visual Thesaurus online and found Haphazard Musings works just as well.

---

My dad and stepmom celebrated their 30th anniversary on July 19th. That kinda fascinates me ... because I've had one relationship in my life last more than 30 months.

---

For all you old-time CLI nerds like me out there ... here's another reason to vilify the drag-and-drop management that Windows Servers and related products have embraced:

I nearly re-imaged approximately 115 computers last week ... including 110 of those that were in production for three health-care systems. A quick & dirty estimate by one of the senior engineers said it would have taken us about a month of work to recover from that.

Whoa.

Yeah.

Wait. Howthefuckdidyou-'almost'-doTHAT? you ask.

Well, we're trying to create a new environment to build computers so they're individually built to hardware, rather than building a static OS image, but using a standardized script to ensure they're configured the same.

There's a product called Altiris we use to load the operating system and drivers for the nearly 3,000 real and virtual servers we manage. It's drag and drop. There are two panes - one holds the computers, one holds the jobs.

I went to drop the "deploy Windows 2003 R2" job on a folder in the computers pane named EB (cause that's me) but accidentally dropped the job on the ALL COMPUTERS folder.

Cause they're nested folders, and EB is right under ALL COMPUTERS.

And wasn't aware I dropped it on the wrong folder.

About five minutes later the first batch of incident tickets came rushing in telling us that 36 computers were down.

Then 36 more.

Then 36 more.

Then 5 more.

Then a guy I work with who knows more about the Altiris world and the blades I took down started looking into things and realized - QUICKLY - that things were amuck at the Circle-K.

And pulled the plug from the Altiris box, stopping it in step 1 of reimaging 113 machines.

So after I closed all the tickets that were created by my near meltdown of 113 computers, the next day I stopped at the liquor store and bought that man a very large bottle of Jägermeister.

I love technology. Really.

So I'm the PBOC this week (that's primary bitch on call) ... and it's been an interesting week.

But also, tonight, Saturday night, is a UFC fight. And I loves me some mixed martial arts.

But I'm not paying $40 to buy it and watch alone, at home, when I can spend half that, have a crowd in the room, and get fed.

So I took my phone, my laptop and my MMA lovin' ass to BW3's in Austintown because they have big screen TV's, damn good food, decent beer (Blue Moon on tap) and Wi-Fi access.

And yep, I'm here. Plugged in, connected to the office, with the phone, at the ready, waiting to solve the world's problems while watching the ass-kicking that is the UFC.

Yeah, I love technology.

Geek-boy - OUT.

The Bearer of Bad News

As I've stated before, I used to be a reporter for newspaper and radio.

As I've stated before, growing up, it was all I ever wanted to do.

As I've stated before, once I was a newspaper reporter, I hated it.

Hated. It. Because, as Richard Jeni says, it's nothing but "The Bad News."

And he's right. Good news doesn't sell. Me and a fellow reporter (the lovely but insane JSG) used to drop suggestions in the suggestions box at work to change to our newspaper's marketing slogan to "More Bodies Above The Fold."

But since I love to write (really? me? writing? Go figure) I miss it from time to time.

Hence I blog. A lot lately.

And every so often, I still get to break it down old school style and deliver the bad news.

Twice, so far, this week.

THE FIRST: An email to a friend ... I was planning on going to Wooster on March 9th to see the multi-talented Matthew Hoover play (his myspace is here, my photos of him are here). Then I happened to see that the Tim Easton is booked at Seattle's on March 9th (Tim's myspace is here, my photos of Tim are here).

So I sent Matthew a message saying how cool it was going to be to have him opening for Tim Easton.

Ooops. Seems that not only was Matthew not aware that Tim Easton was booked there that night, he wasn't aware he was no longer booked there that night because Tim has an opener. The story: the husband/wife booking team at Seattle's each booked a show that night - and since Tim's national and Matthew's regional, Tim won.

But, I'm still going, because, well, he's Tim Easton. And he rocks. And I'll still go there to see Matthew Hoover the next time he or his band The Peachbones are booked there, because he and they rock as well. (My photos of The Peachbones are here.)

And Seattle's has Sami the lovely barmaid and Hoegaard Beer (as Tim says, Belgian beer's the best) and coffee. Hmmm .... awesome acoustic music, Belgian beer, coffee and a hot bartender? WINNER.

THE SECOND: A phone call after a "routine upgrade" went south last night at work. In the process of upgrading a server with a service pack, the onboard video failed. I had to call the person who manages the applications on the box and tell her "It's Dead, Kim."

Luckily, it was easily fixed with spare hardware this morning, so life is good.

But yeah, I am the bearer of bad news.

Don't make me contact you.

Dumbest guy in the room.

Today I'm having one of those "Man, I'm dumb. Why they hired me is a total mystery to me." days at work.

I'm seriously the dumbest guy in the room most of the time. And granted, in every room, with more than one person, there will always be a dumbest guy in the room.

I just wish in my case, ignorance truly were bliss.

Cause it sucks knowing you're the dumbest guy in the room.

I love being a smartass

So today at work I get a notice that I need to update my Performance Tracking for 2006 ... all of my company's HR stuff is online, including how we set, manage and verify our personal and account goals for the year.

Since I was employed by this company when I started 2006, and when I ended 2006, despite a eleven-week period of unemployment (Aug 1 - Oct 23), I still have goals.

From the old account and the new account.

Pretty funny stuff. So I went ahead and updated my goals from the old account.

Click the picture to see what I submitted ... the two areas circled in red are the highlights - the top is what the goal was, the bottom is how I achieved it.



Man, I love being a smart-ass.

I am the MFM

So today is day one of our new help desk at work.

I'm no longer on the help desk - cause I gotz mad server skillz 'n' shit.

I am, now, a level three Intel Engineer, which means the level one and level two help desk monkeys rely on me to fix what they can't.

The place I worked at before we had an automated ticketing system. The level one person would get the phone call or email. If she couldn't (or wouldn't) fix it, she'd assign it to me, and I got an email and/or page depending on how critical the issue.

If I needed to escalate the issue up to level three because I couldn't (or wouldn't) fix it, I updated the ticket with my info, and reassigned it. The person I assigned it to received an email or page, again, depending on how critical the issue.

This new account ... it was all manual. We'll use a ticket being assigned to me as an example.

Ticket would come in to level one at the regional help desk. The regional level one would enter it into the tracking system. If they couldn't resolve it, it would get escalated to the regional level two tech. If the regional level two couldn't fix it, they'd escalate it to our combined level two help desk.

Here's where things get messed up and slowed down.

The old regional combined level two help desk would CALL ME ON THE PHONE and say, "Eric, this Grover from Tier II. I have a server down that needs rebooted. Can I assign you the ticket?"

Um, what? Can you? Um, sure. That's my job, right? Just send it over.

I swear I spent at least 40 minutes a day on the phone talking to people giving them permission to assign me tickets that it is my job to fix.

Yep, wasted effort. Seriously. Wasted. Time and Effort.

So today we start the new system - which is all automated. Which I like. Ticket gets assigned to me, I get a page and an email. I acknowledge the ticket, and start working on it. No need to take or make phone calls to say it's okay to give me the ticket. Just here's the ticket now get to work.

Here's where I prove just why I'm the MFM.

MFM is a term we use at work for whoever has the best idea of the day to solve the biggest problem of the day. Somedays, that's shit so far above my head I''m relegated to being the dumbest guy in the room. And I'm okay with that because I'm learning, a lot.

Other days, the MFM is the guy who has the best suggestion on where to eat lunch. So the criteria is flexible.

Today, as we started the new help desk procedures, which require us to acknowledge all tickets a specified time frame based on the severity of the ticket - we were all wondering who was gonna miss the first "Severity One" ticket and have the bosses gather around for the beatdown.

For three days I've been watching a server die. The customer said, basically, let it limp along. When it dies, we'll migrate over to the backup and then you can fix it.

All of this was documented in the ticket in the old system, which I'm not allowed to create in the new system because it exists in the old system.

This morning - about 4:55 a.m. - it died. I got emailed by the customer (the regional level two tech) saying, "It's dead. You can take it offline and fix it." So I pull the server out of the rack at 8:15 and try to fix it with existing spare parts so there's no additional cost to the region. No love. Spares are bad. We figured as much, but hoped maybe we'd luck out.

Nope. So I go back to my desk and weed through the tickets, and pages, and emails, glad I don't have to talk on the phone. Because I hate talking on the phone. And at 12:15, four hours after I turned it off, I get a SEVERITY ONE ticket saying the server that I had performed the autopsy and board replacement on was not responding.

No shit. It's in pieces on my workbench, its guts intermingled with innards of two other servers.

So me and the guys I work with had a good laugh about the fact it took our new 'state of the art' monitoring tool four hours to realize this server was not working.

Unfortunately, for me, I forgot to acknowledge the fact that our 'state of the art' monitoring system told me the server was dead in the 15 minute time frame I have to respond with "Yeah, I know. I got a ticket. Yay me." or something a bit more corporate like, "I am aware of this issue and working on the ticket."

So 15 minutes later, the secondary guy gets a page about a sev one issue that's not been acknowledged by the primary guy. He's at lunch.

So 15 minutes later, my manager (and his manager, and probably his manager, too) get a page because it's been 30 minutes since a SEVERITY ONE ticket was entered and it's not been acknowledged. Since the three of them are in Cincinnati, cell phones ignite and marching orders are issued ... and their footsoldiers beat a path to my desk.

Who's the first guy to blow the clock on a Severity One ticket?

Me.

Cause I'm the MFM.

Fuck yeah.

I was a good Patch Bitch

So a couple of weeks ago, I was the patch bitch.

And I was a good bitch, too.

The other data center that is supposed to be better than us ... at everything ... well, looks like they learned a lesson this Christmas season because they got hammered with a virus yesterday (Merry Christmas, you're infected!) that had the technical lead team scrambling on Christmas day to get stopped, and working harder than they should be today to figure out how to stop it.

Why? Because apparently, they didn't patch their servers like we did.

So along with the other guys I work with, we're now patching their servers - servers that were supposed to be patched the 1st half of December when we did ours.

Why weren't theirs patched?

Well, they had "issues" with the process we used. They had a "better way."

Yeah ... better for them, obviously, because they didn't patch much, based on the fact we're running patches from three patch cycles ago; including some service packs for Server 2003 that should have been done when the servers were built and deployed.

DOH.

But according to them, they're a better run data center than we are.

Today is just full of laughs for me, eh?

Back to the patching. Goo goo g'joob g'goo goo g'joob.

I am The Patch Bitch

The Ohio State University requires capitalized articles.

So we'll do it OSU style today.

Paul McCartney may be The Walrus.

Eminem may be The Real Slim Shady.

Ben Klingston is, without a doubt, The Mall Guard (shout out to my Pittsburgh Peeps!)

Al Gore might be The inventor of The Interwebnet.

And President Bush might still be The decider.

But this week, I top them all.

I am The Patch Bitch.

I'm patching 934 servers.

Boo-yeah. I need sleep.

Goo goo g'joob g'goo goo g'joob.

I am ... (Random Thoughts)

I am …

… in pain

… a lot of pain

I’m in pain because in typical Eric style, I’m injured.

I pulled a muscle in my back while moving boxes on Tuesday.

It’s the muscle behind my shoulder blade that runs up into my neck.

No matter how I move – in what ever direction I choose – I hurt.

The kind of pain that momentarily takes away your breath and makes you then recover it with shallow, slow, careful breaths.

Then I move again and it starts over.

The worst part is I can’t even sleep because I’m hurting.

And working? Well, I’m here … but I’m not sure how much help I’m going to be. I have to sit here and hang out on a conference call to discuss th same issues we discussed for 7.5 hours yesterday.

Speaking of the new job …

I am …

… the dumbest guy in the room.

I’ve been that guy before, usually in college-level math classes.

Like Statistics.

This time, however, it’s different. I knew going into this job I’d be that guy.. And I told myself I’d be okay with that, because it is a huge leap over what I’ve been doing … anyone will, tell you that going from managing 750+ desktops to managing 750+ servers is like the difference between riding a bicycle and piloting a jet fighter. A desktop crashes and burns, you pick it up, brush off the gravel, straighten out the front wheel (or other hardware problems) and you’re back on your bicycle.

A server crashes and burns and there’s an accident-investigation board is formed, witnesses are interviewed, solutions and preventative measures are implemented.

I’m an excellent bicyclist. And while I’ve been HOTAS (hands on throttle and stick, or, basically, piloting a jet fighter for you non-Air Force people) … to say I’ve been in control of a jet fighter is a total lie.

Much the same with the desktop/server environment … I’ve done all I can do with the desktop environment … so now I’m learning to fly.

If I crash and burn, I’ll try to avoid any populated areas.

Lord knows I wouldn’t be in much more pain.

Always have a Plan B, Dave

Like most of my gut instincts, right on the money.

Yep, the job that I was supposed to start today didn't happen.

Long story. Lots of communication issues. Lots of confusion.

But, as they say, when one door closes, you're usually out in the rain.

No, wait.

Another one opens.

Yeah. That's what I meant.

As always, there are other opportunities.

And as always, I'll just plugging away looking.

So excuse me while I head back to the phones, eh?

-E

Bad feelings abound

Well ...

I don't wanna go all Star Wars on this entry, but thinking about this jobtomorrow ... I'll just sum it up with a phrase said by all of the following characters:

	Quote: "I have a very bad feeling about this." Movie: Star Wars IV - A New Hope Scene: In the cockpit of the Millennium Falcon, when approaching the Death Star.
	Quote: "I've got a bad feeling about this." Movie: Star Wars IV - A New Hope Scene: In the garbage. Quote #2: "I've have a really bad feeling about this." Movie: Star Wars VI - Return of the Jedi Scene: Tied up in the Ewok village.
	Quote: "I have a bad feeling about this." Movie: Star Wars V - The Empire Strikes Back Scene: Inside of the "cave".
	Quote: "I have a bad feeling about this." Movie: Star Wars VI - Return of the Jedi Scene: Following Bib Fortuna to deliver Luke's message to Jabba. (Speaking to R2D2)
	Name: Obi-Wan Kenobi Quote: "I have a bad feeling about this." Movie: Star Wars I - The Phantom Menace

Because for a variety of reasons, when I think about it, it's true:

I have a bad feeling about it.

Updates tomorrow.

Interview today went well.

Well, the interview today went well ... the two guys who are the main IT support staff were very cool.

And ... there was another guy there interviewing for the same position. Granted, we had separate interviews, but we crossed paths a few times.

His name was Ivan.

He was, seriously, at least 6' 6" tall.

And built like a linebacker.

And glared at me once, to my face, and I'm sure, more than that at the back of my head.

I hope they offer Ivan the job, for a few reasons:

1. I really, really don't want to make that drive every day. And those of you who know me know I love to drive, but I need something interesting to look at. The drive is desolate. Like Milwaukee to St. Louis desolate. I'm not dropping any hints here, but looking at that landscape ... I can guarantee there are bodies out there that will never, ever be found. Ever.

B. It's west. I want to go east. Like Cleveland, Akron, Youngstown, Pittsburgh east. Not west. Not 60 miles north of Dayton and 30 miles from Lima.

III. I'm afraid if I take job, Ivan will hunt me down and kill me. Yeah, he's that big. And intimidating. And he's named Ivan. Nobody named Ivan is passive. Ivan the Terrible, anyone?

d. But if they come in with a stupid offer, I might consider it. The job's not starting until October 2 ... so it's not like it's going to be an immediate thing.

And I have a couple of other interesting positions that I'm being considered for, so it's not like that's my only option at this point.

Oh well, time to get out of this suit (yeah, I said suit, clean up a bit and get my ass in the car to go get my daughter for the weekend.

-E

Don't buy buns from the butcher

i.e. Don't get your bread where you get your meat.

i.e. Don't fuck around with women you work with.

Once upon a time, in a land far, far, away (or 196 miles east of Columbus, in an office building at 2730 Liberty Avenue, Pittsburgh), someone I worked with had a massive crush on me.

I should have seen it, but I didn't.

My wife pointed it out to me after she and I were with this girl and her then-fiance.

I should have been flattered, but I wasn't.

She was young. I was 31, she was 23.

I had gotten married about three months before I hired her. Wouldn't have mattered to me if I was single, attached or married ... because I don't mix work and play.

I learned that at another job.

When I fell madly in love with a 6'2" Amazon who was amazingly smart, incredibly withdrawn, totally beautiful ...and absolutely insane.

And, as most things that start with that combination mixed with a 22-year-old full-of-piss-and-vinegar man ... it ended with disastrous results.

I got fired, she got reassigned to another newspaper, and the editor's desk got a good scrubbing.

That's what happens when the boss comes into the office late at night, eh?

But let's get back to Pittsburgh, shall we?

She was very, very cute. Big blue eyes that just sparkled with life. And a massive chest that was way too big for her frame, but was natural.

So she was cute, had blue eyes, amazing breasts, and she had a huge crush on me.

I'd like to think it was for my charm and dashing good looks, but I know better.

It was because I was her boss.

In the two years we worked together, I found out that she had a thing for the boss.

Like the boss before me, and their multiple visits to the hotel across the street from where they worked. Cost them both their jobs; he lost his wife, she lost the respect of her mother.

See, her mom got her the job.

It was the same company she worked at.

In the same department.

For the same boss.

The same boss her daughter ended up screwing.

But that still wasn't as bad as what happened with the boss after me.

About a year after I left that job, one Friday, after work, she went to the airport, flew out to Seattle and went to his house on Saturday morning to surprise him for his birthday. She went over wearing a see-through lace bra, matching stockings, CFM heels and an overcoat.

She was greeted at the door by his wife, who was holding their 8-month old son as the rest of their combined families got the house ready to surprise the boss in honor of his 40th birthday.

There was a surprise all right.

She knew nothing of his wife, young son, and family.

She had only met the boss face to face, once, at the airport in Pittsburgh, when he had a layover on the way to somewhere else.

She later found out he and his wife didn't wear rings because they were against traditional binding displays, or some shit like that.

So that was quite an uncomfortable phone call when she was back at work on Monday.

He called me and we talked for about an hour about what to do before he called her.

She ended up staying on the job for another three years, before moving to Virginia, getting married and having a baby. Last I heard all three were doing well, so good for them.

She loved Tom Hanks movies. At that point in my life, I resembled Tom Hanks.

And I was the boss.

So there was a total draw there.

She had just broken off an engagement with a guy who, for lack of a nicer word, was a deadbeat.

Worked under the table at a record store.

Played guitar.

Wasn't in a band, didn't know any songs.

Just played.

Badly.

And wanted to get married and move back to Philly. Because his uncle could, and I quote, 'get him in the union.'

So he wanted to leave, she wasn't leaving Pittsburgh.

For him.

She dumped him.

And spent the next six months bemoaning the fact that all the good guys were married, loudly, so I could hear her.

Meanwhile, there were approximately 600 men who worked in the call center we supported ... many of them would have given a nut get a chance at her.

As I said, she was cute, she had nice eyes, and huge tits. I think she told me she was just outside of the 36-26-36 by being 44-27-37. She wasn't fat.

She is now, but she wasn't then (pregnancy, motherhood and age weren't good to her, based on the pictures I've seen).

Anyway, my buddy Gonzo, the network admin, kept trying to get a date with her, but she said no. And he kept asking for just a glimpse at her chest, she said no.

He wanted her, but she wasn't interested in anyone her height, or less.

He was less.

She was 5 foot 7.

So he came up with the bright idea of answering her Yahoo ad. And got shot down again.

So he came up with the bright idea that I should answer her Yahoo ad with a fake Yahoo account and start a chat session with her to try to get her to send us naked pictures.

Gonzo was that short guy who wasn't all that cute, but had a great smile and attitude that got him laid massively.

We could not come up with a name for the life of us that wasn't taken.

Then I looked down at my desk, where I had a bag of rubber bands in my desk drawer.

We had a computer inventory clerk who ran the warehouse and was the most anal fucker in the world. If you didn't have every single piece of paperwork completed, printed out, signed, dated, and sealed with the blood of a virgin, you didn't anything in, or out. And god forbid you try to give him a keyboard, mouse, monitor or computer that had a loose cable or cord. Let's just say it was like Rainman not getting to watch Wopner.

And as my brain was looking at that bag, the Spinners came on the radio talking about how you had to prepare yourself for the Rubberband Man.

It was then I saw, written in Spanish, under the words RUBBER BANDS, bandes de goma.

And it was available on Yahoo.

So I took it.

And found her personal ad.

And sent her an icebreaker.

Which led to emails.

Then chats on line.

We never got to see any topless pictures of her, however.

Then one day, she decided that the online guy wasn't ever going to develop into anything but a chat friend, and she really wanted more than that, so she said goodbye.

I think at that point in her life she was tired of dating, so she started taking classes to finish her degree.

I ended up leaving the job about a month later, transferring to the Cleveland office.

We'd talk via email, and IM, and the occasional business lunch when we all were together, but when I left the office, and wasn't her boss anymore, her desire for me was gone as well.

We lost touch for a couple of years.

In 2004, after my wife and I had separated, she sent me a birthday email ... I called her up and suggested lunch to catch up.

We met for lunch on a Saturday. We talked for about two hours over drinks before we even got around to looking at the menu.

She told me that for whatever reason, she's really turned on the thought of doing her boss, whoever it is, and that after I wasn't her boss anymore, she wasn't interested in me.

But she loved our talks, our laughs, our fun working together.

Then she dropped the bombshell on me with the story of flying to Seattle (I played like I didn't know anything), and then told me she'd have done anything to get me to sleep with her when she worked for me, but I never showed the slightest hit of interest in her, which baffled her.

She said she was impressed that I'd look her in the eyes, not stare at her tits.

How when she'd come into my cube and stretch, arching her back purposefully, I'd not avert my eyes, even slightly, from her eyes.

How I never once tried to cop a feel, brush against her or anything lame like that, despite her standing close enough for it to appear accidental.

For the record, I'm not sure exactly how I kept my composure around her, either.

Eventually, as afternoon rolled into evening, and the drinks kept flowing, I told her I was the Rubberband Man, including bits of things we discussed so she knew I was serious.

She told me she had figured it out about two weeks into it by listening to me type (her cube shared a common wall with mine) and how she'd hear me laugh when she typed something funny, but she enjoyed the game and hoped that it would have led to something.

She did invite me to her place that night, but I didn't go.

Part of me was still confused about my wife, part of me really wanted to bang her, but the biggest part of me realized that she was looking for a husband and father for her eventual children, not a nostalgic one-night stand.

So we went our separate ways.

She eventually moved to Virginia; I'm here in Columbus.

And while I'd like to say she was all that in bed, I have the feeling it would have ended badly.

Corporate Memos Gone Bad

I know I haven't written The Roadtrip - Day 5 yet ... it's coming.

But I had to share this ... a corporate communication from my company regarding a change in benefit providers. This isn't the whole thing, just the paragraph that makes me think like our help desk and most operations, HR and memo writing for HR has been outsourced to India, too:

Effective July 1, 2006, the administration of your STD plan will be transitioned to (Name of new Insurance Provider Removed). Because (Name of new Insurance Provider Removed) is our standard insurance carrier, we now have an opportunity to more efficiently integrate these two programs. If you are eligible for STD, your 2006 benefits will remain the same with some administrative changes. Please access the Summary Plan Document, found in the Benefits Center on our intranet, for a detailed description of the plan.

(Name of new Insurance Provider Removed) will be sending you an ID card along with more detailed information about their role in handling STD claims. The letter and ID card will be sent to your home address the week of June 19, 2006 and will include a 1-800 number for use when initiating a claim.

For the record, the STD they're referring to is Short Term Disability. However, that's not spelled out, anywhere. I know, because I called our Benefits people and asked.

Because, seriously, the last thing you want to read about from your corporate insurer is an email telling you how to file STD claims.

And the phrase "If you are eligible for STD ..." is a new low in bad memo writing.

Customer Service? Hardly.

This is an email I sent to a Help Desk supervisor at Dell:

Hello Antonio.

I'm a very dissatisfied Dell customer.

I have a PowerEdge 4600 that has an internal Autoloader 120T that's a hunk of crap.

So I call to get it "repaired" under my service contact.

On Friday.

But I ask to have the call placed for after business hours on Monday.

Which Bjorn does, after 80 minutes.

So now it's Monday.

I was in training on Monday. The parts arrived and were routed to my desk. I returned to the office about 4:45 p.m.

I opened the box. The parts were correct. This time. Last time I had an issue with a tape drive I was sent a single tape drive, not the autoloader that I currently have.

That was four hours wasted sitting around waiting for a second dispatch of parts.

So that's at least one positive thing from this experience.

And the only one.

Rick was waiting for me when I arrived. Rick was the "fine quality technician" dispatched by Dell to repair this issue.

I meet Rick at the door at 4:45. Rick was apparently sick.He looked sick.

I try to tell him that I can't shut down the production server until 5:15. and he's going to have to wait.

He then tells me he's sick. And that he can't hear because his ears are all clogged up.

Great. So he's contagious. Apparently viruses - not the computer kind - are just another Dell Service feature, eh?

So after I tell him again that I can't let him on the server until 5:15. So he give a scowl in return. Hmm, contagious and pissy. Did I win the lottery or what?

I specified on the phone with Bjorn on Friday that this repair had to be completed after regular business hours on Monday.

So I make him sit for a half-hour in the break room.

Where he falls asleep.

Which was reported to me by the users that I support. Nice reflection on me, and Dell, eh?

So at 5:15 I make sure all my users are logged out of the file server.

And wake Rick up.

And Rick replaces the drive.

And leaves when I tell him it's working.

Because it was working. In so much as it loaded the tapes, ran a cleaning cycle and said "Ready" on the LCD screen.

It showed up in BIOS. It accepted the tape magazine. I ran the cleaning program.

When the backup was scheduled to run, however, the drive failed.

When I came in this morning, there was an error on the LCD screen saying LDR_HW ERROR with some numbers. Now I'm not a Certified Dell Technician dealing with backup devices, but I'm guessing that LDR_HW ERROR means there's a problem with the loader hardware, right?

So I call back to Dell. And give Roy the numbers. And tell him that I'm in a bind. I'm leaving for vacation at 5 p.m. today. And my tape drive still isn't working.

So Roy takes 90 minutes of my life. The first 70 were spent trying to figure out what the problem was and trying to understand why I wouldn't allow someone I don't know, probably from a foreign country, poke around my server in a webex session trying to determine what the problem is.

I clearly have an error code. It states hardware error on the loader. Yet Roy can't find anything in the knowledge base.

Roy and I eventually come to an agreement that I can shut my file server down 45 minutes early so he can get the parts and another fine quality technician here to fix the server like they should have fixed the server Monday night.

Fine. So I've now spent a total of 90 minutes on the phone with Roy.

To fix a problem that should have been fixed a day before.

Then Betty calls me and tells me that the parts won't be here until 5:15 p.m. because they don't have the part in Columbus and they have to drive it down from Cleveland.

Well, in my world, 5:15 time of delivery - 12:32 time of dispatch = 4 hours and 43 minutes, which is outside of the four hour service specified in the SLA that my company has with Dell.

So now let's talk quality.

Dell, from what I understand, prides itself on service.

Might wanna rethink, or re-engineer that. I know you subcontract for field service. I've been to Dell. I've been Dell Certified. I spent a week at the Round Rock facility drinking the kool-aid and being indoctrinated into the corporate culture of all that is Dell.

And I respect Michael Dell for his business sense and vision to build machines that are stable and dependable for business and not worry about having bleeding edge technology.

Because business demand stability over performance.

And because of my training in 2002, I understand that becoming a Dell Service Provider usually means you're a pretty decent technician.

With some customer service skills.

There are, however, exceptions.

Rick, who serviced the tape drive on Monday, is one of those exceptions.

After I called Dell to place a new service call for the same issue, Rick, who did the poor quality job last night, then called me to ask about the new ticket.

I told him he did a terrible job. I told him I wanted a different technician to come install the part tonight.

He had no apology. He had nothing else to say except, "Well, okay." and hung up.

Tim called me from the same number as Rick, about 30 minutes later, and I explained the situation to him, I said "Rick was here last night" and he said "Oh no."

Now I've worked with some less-than-stellar people in my life. That's usually the response a quality technician, like myself, gives, involuntarily, when they realize they're going into a hostile environment to clean up a mess left by a moron they work with.

Now let's talk overall satisfaction:

As I see it, Rick is 0-2. No technical skills. No customer service skills.

And Dell, so far is 0-2 on this issue.

Wait, 0-3 if the parts don't get here with the 4 hour window.

I just spoke to the UPS driver. He says he should be here before 4:30. So there's hope on that end. Thank God for UPS.

But so far, as far as this tape drive is concerned, all-time, Dell is 0-4 as this is the 4th service call on this particular backup device.

Replaced four times in 18 months?

Pathetic.

And I don't have the time or energy to discuss the "quality" of service received on the telephone, so I'll sum it up with these three lines:

1st call - with Bjorn - 80 minutes of me attempting to understand what he was saying. Does anyone at Dell speak ungarbled English anymore?

2nd call - with Roy - 90 minutes of me attempting to tell him that when a device shows an error on the device's built-in LCD screen odds are it's a hardware problem.

That's nearly three hours of my life I'll never get back ... spent on the phone, with your Gold level technicians.

Plus the time waiting for your "quality" parts to be delivered, probably outside of the SLA.

And the time having your "quality" technician stare at me yesterday because he arrived at 4:45 and I could not shut down my production file server until 5:15.

And Roy wondered why I won't allow "technicians" to webex into my production server and poke around?

---

So Tim comes with the tape drive.

It doesn't fucking work.

And it won't until I'm back on Monday.

Cock sucking monkey fuckers.

So it's official ...

So I got "the word" that my last day on my present job is June 30th.

Which, as I've said before, is fine with me.

I'm looking forward to having the month of July off, with pay.

And now they're talking severance, too, which is good.

I'll take whatever I can get.

And after initially being concerned, then pissed, then scared, I've come up with a plan.

And the more I think about it, the more I like the plan I've come up with:

• Work my present job until it's over and done.
• Take the 30 days on the bench, paid.
• Take whatever severance they offer and put it in the bank.
• Cash out my 401k* and put it in the bank.
• Collect as much unemployment as the government allows me to, for as long as I can.**
• Or, if that doesn't work, then take a job where I work for a temp agency doing small jobs that take several days or two weeks at the most, and use that to supplement the funds I have until I land a job that I want. That way I don't have to take the first offer I get, just to have a job.

{*My 401k isn't a lot of money, because I've used it for educational expenses and haven't been very good about contributing to it. (Yes, I know there's a tax penalty, but I don't really care that much. Because its not a whole lot of money, but it is money. And it will last me a couple of months. As for the tax penalty, I'll let the matching funds contributed by the company pay the tax part, so I'll get what I put into it out, and a little bit more. And why worry about my future retirement? Isn't that what social security is for? [Yes, that's a joke. I have no doubt that Social Security will not exist in 15 years, let alone when I'm ready to retire in 40 years. Besides, the way I look at it, I'm gonna work until I'm dead.]) }

(**My job is being eliminated through no fault of my own so why not take advantage of the government assistance that's out there? And you can bet your ass I'm keeping track of every dime spent in the job search so come tax time it's all written off. )

So why am I doing all this rather than just jump in and look for a new job?

Well, two reasons:

1. I've learned my present skill set needs some tweaking, and some certification. I have the education, and the experience, I just don't have the proven knowledge as judged by certifications. And taking the time not working and living off the money I have coming in from various sources (severance, 401k, unemployment, eBay, the sale of small children I collect at shopping malls, etc.) will give me the time to get the certifications I want to have before I start seriously job-hunting.

2. Summer job searching is full of recently graduated college kids who will take any offer to get a job. I don't want to compete with them.

And with the certifications I'm going after, I'll need a bit of time to read, learn and study. Because they're hard. But they're worth it.

Those certifications will give me a better resume that hits the keywords that resume search programs look for.

And those certifications will get me better interviews.

Which will get me better job offers.

Which will get me a better paycheck than just jumping into the job market and taking whatever offer comes along.

Make sense?

So look over my plan and tell me what you think.

Do you have any thoughts?

Any ideas?

See anything I've missed?

Suggestions on which malls have the best children to steal for sale on the black-market later?