So long, Evil Genius Idea #895

After months of doing nothing but hosting files ... I decided that it's time to pull the plug on Evil Genius Idea #895, http://www.ericbroz.net ...

Why?

I never use it.

In fact, I've migrated *almost* entirely to free sites such as here, wordpress for my music blog, facebook, Google+ and, sadly, even MySpace (still). I'm gonna keep the domain, but point it to a redirect that sends you to my FB page ... but the email is going away, so anyone who emails me at eric @ ericbroz dot net should change up and hit me at cebroz at gmail dot com.

It was a good four years (well, three, really), but all things change.

Jane Scott - 1919-2011. Amazing lady.

I was lucky enough to meet Jane Scott at a Motley Crue concert at the Richfield Coliseum in 1990. I don't remember if it was January or February, but it was winter. It was cold. VERY COLD. I was reviewing the show for the Tribune, and was a fan of Motley Crue live, as they put on a tremendous live show. Tommy Lee was playing his kit on rails that went upside down and out over the crowd. I took my sister Juli to the show ... we were freezing waiting to get in the press gate, only to be told no photo pass, but we did have tickets. She was happy to see a free show ... I was getting paid to write about music. Win Win.

And when we got inside, my sister asked who brought their Grandma to the show. I turned, and there beside me, with her Ticket pinned to her scarf; big red glasses, a bigger purse and the biggest smile I'd ever seen was Jane Scott. I immediately fanboy'ed and professed, as many had before me, that she was required reading every Friday and after every show ... whether I was there or not. I introduce her to my sister, who wasn't quite sure what to make, but slowly realized the cool factor when Jane started rocking out with us. Jane was 71 at the time.

Here's a link to a great telling of her story, and her retirement column. She was one of a kind in an era where an emerging music scene in a vibrant music city met the perfect woman at the perfect time.

I was blessed to know her. I think a lot of us were.  Dennis Lewin of the Cleveland band Beau Coup, wrote this when the PD tried to force her to retire ... she finally left on her own in 2002, after 50 years and, in her estimate, more than 10,000 concerts, from the Beatles to Nine Inch Nails and everything in between.  The last time I saw Jane was at an MC Hammer show at Blossom.  She had as much fun there as anyone ...

"Jane"

(Dedicated to P.D. Columnist "Jane Scott")

(Dennis Lewin)

Dear Jane

It's an early cold Friday morning

And my radio is blasting down the hall

Waking me up to the sounds

Of the late great Marvin Gaye

I fell out of bed

Got dressed and read the morning paper

I saw a picture of myself on the back page news

Next to an add for the final shows of Michael's band

Jane, Jane you watched me change from a boy to a man

Jane you stood behind me and the boys in the band

Don't you ever give up on us Jane

You know Jane I was 5 back in 64

When you started at Friday magazine

There wasn't a flash in the pan that you missed

Or a style un-seen 

But than the papers read

Jane they say you're too old for the new style

But you never mix art and age as one

'Cause the older you get the better you shine in the public's eye

Jane, Jane you watched me change from a boy to a man

Jane you stood behind me and the boys in the band

Don't you ever give up on us Jane

Jane they always try to cut you down to pieces

To criticize your work is a slap in the face of justice

You broke so many bands that came from foreign lands

and now they try to take away the pen that wrote their names

---

Easiest Job in the World

Despite being a journalist for a period of time in my life, I rarely read the printed paper anymore.  (Sorry to my friends still in the business, and apologies to Al Newhearth and the staff at McPaper.)  Today, however, Sarah picked up a Vindicator as we're looking for a place to live, and I noticed a help wanted ad.  And it made me want to seriously think about a career change.

After reading this little help wanted ad, I've decided it has to be the easiest job in the world:

Wanted:  Science teacher at a Christian school.

Think about it.  Easiest. Job. EVER!

You can teach your budding Christian scientists everything ... and I mean EVERYTHING ... with a a couple of three-word phrases:

God made it.  God made them. God makes it. God makes them. God provides it.

• How'd the galaxy get here?  God made it.
• Where did the rocks come from? God made them.
• How does water form?  God makes it.
• Where do babies come from? God makes them.
• How do we get friuts from the ground?  God provides it.

Or, if you wanna get funny, you can just pull out the Bill Hicks:

If God created all life, why are there dinosaur bones?  God put them here to test your faith.  God's just fucking with you.  Jokester God strikes again. Giant Lizards? Walking the Earth?  HA.

Or, you can circle back the easiest job in the world:

God made them.

The final test would be an essay test:  Explain the formation of the galaxy and all life on Earth:

Any answer but "God made it." results in failure.  And you get to enjoy your summers off.

Comfest 2011 ... so far

After a quick romp through the schedule ... here's what I'm picking:

Friday

Gazebo    12:55    Erika Hughes
Off Ramp   2:10    Wing & Tusk
Off Ramp   4:15    Whoa Nellie!
Main       4:55    Bastard Sons of Neptune
Off Ramp   6:30    Karate Coyote
Off Ramp   8:00    Envelope
Gazebo     9:00    Colin Gawel & Lonely Bones
Off Ramp  10:15    Phantods



Saturday

Off Ramp  11:55    Shazbots
Off Ramp  12:50    Eric Nassau & Friends
Main       2:35    Floorwalkers
Solar      4:00    Victoria Parks
Off Ramp   4:50    Harvest Kings
Gazebo     6:00    Mendelsonics
Off Ramp   6:25    Lost Revival
Main       7:55    Sean Carney
Gazebo     8:00    Donna Magavero
Main       8:55    Willie Phoenix
Off Ramp   9:05    Lydia Loveless



Sunday

Gazebo    11:00    The Ginger Lees
Gazebo    12:00    The Spike Drivers
Gazebo     1:00    Tim Easton / MSGers
Off Ramp   4:00    The Dirty Flaggs
Off Ramp   4:45    Bicentenial Bear
Main       4:50    Mary Adam 12
Jazz       4:50    Jen Miller
Off Ramp   5:35    Yellow Light Maybe
Gazebo     7:00    Megan Palmer
OffRamp    7:15    Wet Darlings



I'll save my bitching and complaining about the bad music selections this year until after the event.

Random Links ... or RBOL as Pretty In Orange calls them

So ... since I have too many of these to flood Facebook or Twitter with ... here's a Random Blog of Links:  (title stolen from Angela!)

A bunch of bikers blocked those dumb God Hates Fags asshats in Missouri.  Fuck, even the Ku Klux Klan is protesting those guys.  I get the whole "The enemy of my enemy is my friend" thing ... but when you're lower on the hate ladder than the KKK, you're a serious bunch of douchebags. 

---

---

Nope, says the good white senator saying President Obama only got elected "because he's black" ... adding  "There's nothing racist about this ..."  /facepalm ... pssst ... it is racist, because he's only half black, dumbass!

---

And combining the two posts ... can we go from a half-black president to a pretend biker one?  "“There’s no better way to see D.C. than on the back of a Harley!"

---

Meanwhile, while President Obama was giving an address to the blown-away bastards in Joplin, Missouri, the distinguished staff at Faux News was very much concerned if the president was chewing gum.  That really bothers me as a former journalist. I real journalist would have at least asked what kind.  Fucking amateurs.

---

I bet my friend David Knudtz would watch hockey if you could turn your stick into a lightsaber.  Take that, Jumbo!

---

Somebody better call Undercover Brother.  Nobody messes with the 'fro!

---

I think I'd still read comic books if they'd swap genders more often.

---

And finally ... anyone need some Dragon's Blood or Unicorn Liver?  You need to shop here.

Red Wanting Blue - 5/212011 Photos posted

Red Wanting Blue - 05/21/2011 - House of Blues.

because it's so easy :D

Who's ready for a five-month PARTY?

Red Wanting Blue - The World Is Over

So, according to the experts at FamilyRadio.com ... we're all gonna start to either be in heaven or walking hell on earth on Saturday about 6 p.m. in your time zone ... so I figured I'd share one of my favorite Red Wanting Blue song off "These Magnificent Miles" and give you some words of wisdum from the good people of Family Radio ...

"Only recently, through careful study of information found in the Bible, we now know the precise timeline of the world’s history, from the creation year of 11,013 BC to Christ's return on May 21, 2011 to the final destruction of the world on October 21, 2011. By God's grace and tremendous mercy, He is giving us advanced warning as to what He is about to do. On Judgment Day, May 21st, 2011, this 5-month period of horrible torment will begin for all the inhabitants of the earth. It will be on May 21st that God will raise up all the dead that have ever died from their graves. Earthquakes will ravage the whole world as the earth will no longer conceal its dead (Isaiah 26:21). People who died as saved individuals will experience the resurrection of their bodies and immediately leave this world to forever be with the Lord. Those who died unsaved will be raised up as well, but only to have their lifeless bodies scattered about the face of all the earth. Death will be everywhere. " - familyradio.com

So, with that in mind, let's all party like we're gonna die, eh?  As for me, I'll be enjoying the weekend with Sarah  ... hanging out Friday night, Red Wanting Blue at the House of Blues on Saturday night; Pittsburgh Pirates game on Sunday afternoon ... that is, if she's still here with me after the rapture!

Now *THAT* is a weekend.

Wow.  I don't even know how to begin to define my weekend.

Let's just say ... sometimes ... you might wish you were me.

Friday - drinks with friends and Sarah at a bar with hockey AND sound with a vegan lesbian roller-derby-girl bartender next to a guy from Detroit. Was fun until they took the lead with 97 seconds left.

Saturday - Slept in, then went to see a movie with Sarah, had dinner, proposed, she said yes, spent the next hour staring at her ring, and then we hit the bar that has 1,500 types of beer and packed a 10-pack of varied beer to take home and had a couple of nice drafts before retiring for the evening.

Sunday - Woke up smiling ... went to the Pittsburgh Pirates game with Sarah and Aidan. They won.  Yuengling on draft. I won. Sarah and Aidan got to run the bases after the game.  Got home to filter through about 300 messages of congrats from our friends on Facebook. 

We're all winners.

Friend FAQ questions ... answered

So one of the bajillion Facebook apps is this thing called Friend FAQ where they ask you random questions about the people in your friends list that you may or may not know the answer to.

Then they tell your friend that "Someone answered a question about you. Find out what they said." without telling you who.

Or what they said.

You can merely find out the question and the answer, unless you collect (or purchase) 'coins' to unlock the answers.

Well, since I don't care much for what the general public thinks of me, as they don't know me ... I was curious about what the people who do (or allege to) know me would think ... so I decided to grade the 18 questions asked about me, to date.  So here you go:

Do you think that Eric Broz is dumber than Jessica Simpson?     No 

Correct.  And big ups to whoever said that.  I'll buy you some sea chickens. 

Do you think that Eric Broz is socially awkward?     No

Correct ... and Wrong.  My take:  Split.  There are times I'm insanely socially awkward, mostly involving asking a woman I find attractive for her name, let alone a date.  Other times I'm the friendliest guy in the room.


Would Eric Broz make a good spouse?     Yes

My take:  Hey, maybe the third time's a charm.  Not going to count this as it's too subjective.


Do you think that Eric Broz has ever stolen money from their friends?     No

Correct. Money isn't a big issue with me.  As for lending money to friends ... if you give a friend $20 and you never see him, or it, again, it was probably worth it.


Is Eric Broz's profile picture cute?     Yes

Thanks. My daughter's a excellent photographer!  But I'm not grading this as it's subjective.  I will say it's a good photo, though!


Do you think that Eric Broz is lazy?     No

Wrong.  You've not seen me on weekends where I lay around, don't get dressed, and just scratch.


Do you think that Eric Broz has ever played beer pong?     Yes

Wrong.. I've played lots of other drinking games though.

Do you think that Eric Broz is hyper?     No

Correct ... although it really depends on the amount of Red Bull (mixed with Jagermeister) I've consumed.


Do you think that Eric Broz is a tree hugger?     No

Correct.  Let's face it ... I have a tattoo of Eric Cartman. He, like, me hates hippies.  Here's why:  "“Hippies, hippies... they want to save the world but all they do is smoke pot and play Frisbee!”


Do you think that Eric Broz has ever failed a class?     No

Wrong.  I have failed one class, twice  Statistics. Twice.  I changed my major to avoid taking Stats again.  Two plus two is ALWAYS four. Fuck your probability.


Do you think that Eric Broz is a good friend?     Yes

Awwww, thanks ... but I'm not grading this as it's subjective. While I like to believe I'm a better friend than boyfriend ... that's for someone else to grade.


Do you think that Eric Broz is cute?     Yes

Awwww, thanks again ... and again, I'm not grading this category as it's subjective.


Do you think that Eric Broz would look good in tights?     Yes

Wrong. As far as you know.  But if I did, they'd have to be pretty dark tights, and then it's a maybe at best. Sure, I have great legs, but they're hairy, and that never looks good in tights.

Do you think that Eric Broz has ever stolen from work?     No

Wrong.  I once NEARLY had to testify, in federal court, that I did, indeed steal from work.  It's a long story. I'll have to pull up what I wrote about it, when it happened, because it's rather funny, and yes, I would have had immunity to testify ... and it wasn't a big deal, really, just some copies (by some I mean about 2,000) and some enlargements (by some I mean about 100) when I worked for Kinko's. So it's not like I was dipping from the til or carting off computers.


Do you think that Eric Broz likes chick flicks?     Yes

Correct, dammit, now the secret's out.  Well, except for anything starring Michelle Phiffer (anyone see the steaming piles-of-shit "Story of Us" and "White Oleander" ever want to see her 'act' again? Me either.)  Oh, and anything with boiled horse-face Sarah Jessica Parker.  You know why she and Matthew Broderick had kids with a surragate?  His sperm are way too smart survive in that womb.  When they saw it wasn't tonsils, they hit the self-destruct button.


Do you think that Eric Broz has ever used steroids?     No

Wrong.  NO? he shouted in a Chris-Beniot-style ROID RAGE FIT ... WITH A BODY LIKE THIS? HELL YEAH I'VE HAD THE JUICE ... (Actually, seriously, I did. But it was for a brief time. And prescribed. To help heal.


Do you think that Eric Broz watches porn?     Yes

Correct!  As my ex-wife said to me once, when I asked, sarcastically, if there was porn on the internet ... "There's even some you haven't seen."


Do you think that Eric Broz can throw a football with a spiral?     Yes

Correct!  You're darn tootin' on that one. Like, every year, I sit around and wait to be drafted, but the phone call never comes.  I think it's the knees.  Not because I'm old and fat and stopped playing organized football after one year.  They just don't know talent.

Final Score:

7 Correct

6 Wrong

4 Not answered as they were subjective, not factual

1 That goes both ways because I am both sides of that question.

So ... better than expected, but there are things about me most of you don't know (such as the whole stealing from work thing and that I lay around and scratch myself sometimes on weekends.

No one can save us ... from Kim the waitress

A long time ago, in a galaxy not too far from where I live now, I had quite a rather funny and unexpected crush that was based kind of on a song that turned into a relationship that ended in one of those full-fledged WTF Just Happened story that somehow seems to populate my life.

After coming back from living in the Virgin Islands, I went back to the newspaper I was working for for a bit, then had a falling out with the new managing editor. Being young and stupid, it was entirely my fault. Long story short ... the boss is the boss for a reason. Listen to what she tells you. Do what she asks. Keep getting your paycheck. Wasn't illegal, immoral or ethically questionable, I was just being stupid.  And I got fired.

Which lead me to the world of Les Nessman ... I got into radio news.  My ex-wife had a job once where their receptionist referred to me as "The Voice" when I called, and lets be honest, I do have the perfect face for radio, and the nose of a news reporter who knows how to ask the hard questions, so I was ideally set for a fine career in radio.  But that's not the story here.

Being young and poor, I had two jobs and I worked weird hours ... was doing radio news from 5 a.m. to Noon, I'd have lunch, then go home and sleep for a bit.  Five nights a week I'd bartend from 7 p.m. to close (2:30), then clean the bar, hit Perkins for breakfast, go home, shower, change clothes and hit the radio station to start the cycle all over again. Apply, lather, rinse, repeat.  One of the places I used to go for lunch was this little deli in downtown Warren that featured old style move themes, with meals named after what they ate in classic films of the 30's and 40's ... Breakfast at Tiffany's was a meal that featured what they ate, they had Bogart and Bacall burgers, stuff like that.

And a really hot waitress named Kim.  

Who I was digging muchly.  Mostly because she was a hot blue-eyed redhead with a great rack and heart-shaped ass. And kinda because of a Material Issue song called "Kim The Waitress" from the Freak City Soundtrack that was a great album that was out about the time I first walked in there. But she had pursed lips and tender hips, and they were turning in my head, as the song goes.

I should have taken that as a warning.  I didn't. As Warren Zevon once said, "I went home with a waitress, they way I always do."  My first wife was a waitress when we were married, I'd dated a couple of waitresses or servers since we separated, and Kim was the last that was an actual waitress when we dated.  But anyway ... no one can save us from Kim the waitress, as the song goes, she always turns me on.

Anyway ... I'd always ask for her section and we always would talk about all sorts of things. She was smart.  And pretty. Oh so pretty. And that bothers me in places below the belt!  But I didn't think I stood a ghost of a chance with her.  All of which matched up to the song.  Especially the second verse: 

"Sometimes she comes with coffee
Leaning over, pouring
I'd like to gently pull her to me
Kiss her, with no warning
Seeing her some sunny Sunday morning"

Me being me, and the flirt, I kept talking to her, asking about her, what she did, what she liked, all the things that a guy does when flirting. And she'd flirt back.  If it was slow she's sit beside, me, not across from me.  And when she found out that I worked for the radio station around the corner, she said she listened every day.  People say they listen/watch/read to anyone who's on that air or in print, but it's a common courtesy ... most of the time it's pandering.  She started quoting me lines I'd used on the air.  Okay, I was impressed.  I figure I'll ask her out.  And I do.

So the day I finally asked her out, it was gangbusters. I asked her out, she said "how about this afternoon?"  I said sure. At 26 I could go a day or three without sleep to spend time with her. The deli was a breakfast/lunch only place, so they closed at 2 and she was done at 2:30.  So we talked. She got my number, I told her where I lived (it was above a business).  She said she knew where it was, and would come over after work.  She did. And started stripping as she walked in the room. It was mad monkey love for a couple of hours, then she got dressed, kissed me goodbye and said, "Let's do this again." No real first date ... no need to wine and dine her ... I'd show up for lunch, she'd just come over and we'd have sex.  At 42, I pick that vibe up right away ... but being 26, I was semi-clueless.

The only thing we ever did together in public was doing the Reading for the Blind ... it was  a community service thing she talked me into doing. We'd meet there and read the stories from the newspaper in a little studio that recorded them, put them on a phone bank for the blind to call in and listen.  Again, this was 1994, the internet wasn't all it is today.  That, lunchtime talks and sex was our entire 'relationship' ... and it was going on six or seven months.  But the sex was good, so I was happy and didn't look beyond the here and now.

Again, being 26, I never put any relevance to us never going out, no dinner, no movie.  She told me after the first time not to give her cards, or flowers, she didn't like them, and not to let on at work that we were an item as her boss didn't want the staff hooking up with customers because it was bad for business.

Yeah, again, all clues that today I'd say "Oh, well, I'm just a side project."  But I wasn't all that smart back then.  Until one day, about six or seven months after we first hooked up. I had a rare Saturday morning off from the radio station. So I went home after going out with friends (didn't bartend the Friday night shift, ever), woke up about 10 a.m., grabbed the newspaper, and headed over to a little diner for breakfast because they had killer omelets.  And I used to work there as a dishwasher, so I knew the family that ran it.  I thought about calling her

This was before cell phones were a commodity and readily available, back when the phone was something on the wall in your house, not in your pocket.  But she and I never really talked on the phone. She'd call me when she was home.  Said she was 'too busy' and I should just let her call me.

Again, all things I should have picked up on ... but didn't.

So, it's a nice sunny Saturday in May, I'm sitting at the diner reading the paper and enjoying both a fine cup of coffee and a Big Jack, I pause on the society section of the paper for some odd reason because a picture catches my eye.  I stare at it and realize that I'm reading my alleged girlfriend's and certified sex friend's engagement announcement.  How special.

I don't say anything on Monday when I see her for the Reading for the Blind.  But I do invited her over Tuesday ... she shows up about 2:40, gets naked, we're having sex, she has no ring on, so I let the day play out.  As we're done ... and she's getting dressed, I say, "Hey, I have something to show you."  And hand her the announcement. 

She looks me dead in the eye and says, "I never told you I had a boyfriend?"  I said, "No."  She then proceeds to tell me that they've been together for five years (she's 24), and he doesn't know anything about me.  She called sessions with me as "going to the gym" and he never questioned it.  She said she'd still like to come over because I was good in bed and fun to talk to.  While both of those are compliments, at 26, I wasn't looking for a sometimes sex thing ... I wanted it all.  So I ended it with her.  

The worst part ... I really missed the Bogart burger.

"Kim The Waitress" ~ Material Issue

Pursed lips and tender hips
Turning, in my head
Writing poems in a corner booth
That I'd die, if she read
Seeing her in but a silver cross
Lying on her bed

No one can save us
From Kim The Waitress
No one can save us
From Kim The Waitress
Nobody can save us
From Kim The Waitress
Always turns me on

Sometimes she comes with coffee
Leaning over, pouring
I'd like to gently pull her to me
Kiss her, with no warning
Seeing her some sunny Sunday morning

No one can save us
From Kim The Waitress
No one can save us
From Kim The Waitress
Nobody can save us
From Kim The Waitress
Always turns me on

She doesn't come around anymore
And that bothers me
And that bothers me
Yeah, it bothers me

Though I don't stand a ghost of a chance with her
She's pretty (and that bothers me)
So pretty (and that bothers me)
And it bothers me

No one can save us
From Kim The Waitress
No one can save us
From Kim The Waitress
Nobody can save us
From Kim The Waitress
Always turns me down

No one can save us
No one can save us
Nobody can save us

Song of the Day - For Kurt Cobain

Disclaimer:  I was never a fan.  I don't really care what kind of feedback this gets, or who bitches and complains. My blog, my point of view.

At one point back in my troll days, I actually got the Nirvana board shut down (and my account cancelled) for startinga  huge flame wary by posting a parody of "All Apologies" with the PS:  It turns out he did have a gun, after all.

Here's what I wrote:

No Apologies - A Parody

What else could I do?
Blew my head in two
What else could I say?
Irrelevant anyway.
What else could I write?
It's all rather trite.
How else to be sure?
Assume room temperature.

On the porch
In the sun
I pulled out a shotgun
In the sun
In the sun
BLAM!
Now I'm Buried!

 

I wish I was like you
Still breathing too
You'll find more of my skull
Painted up there on the wall

I'll take all the blame
Could not handle the fame
Ran out of drugs and songs
One blast will right my wrongs

On the porch
In the sun
I pulled out a shotgun
In the sun
In the sun
BLAM!
Buried!

Now I'm buried
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

All I am is all worm food (repeat til fade)

The Sound of Sneezing ... a song parody

Once again I'm destroying a great 60's song with one of my weird-ass brain farts.  Sorry, Paul Simon ...

The Sound of Sneezing

Hello head cold, my old friend
You've come to infect me again
Because of you I'm always sneezing
My nose is stuffy I'm not sleeping
And the virus that was planted in my body 

Leaves me snotty
And brings the sound of sneezing

In restless sleep I toss until
I get knocked out by the NyQuil
Beneath the soft glow of the TV
That big sneeze you heard was all me
My nose is stuffed
and my eyes are watering too
All I hear is "Bless you"
Amongst the sound of sneezing

And in the grocery store I saw
Ten thousand remedies maybe more
All I hear is me sneezing
Breathing through my nose is just wheezing
My ears are clogged 

And my tissues are snot-logged
All I hear is the sound of sneezing

"Fools," said I, "You do not know
Head colds like a cancer grow."
Avoid my sneeze is what I teach you
So droplet particulates will not reach you
And wash your hands with hot water and soap

Don't be a dope
Or you'll echo the sound of sneezing

And now I humbly bow and pray
To the green liquid that Vicks made
As my nose gives me a warning
Another big sneeze it is forming
And the words of the prophets are written on the bottle side. 

A font both bold and wide:
A NyQuil coma will silences the sound of sneezing.

Inside The Death Star

Just in case anyone was wondering ...

Compiled by Car Insurance Guide and Geeks are Sexy | Picture hosted on imgur

Polar Bear Plunge for Cancer

So ... I decided to embark on a fund-raiser ... I'm going to do a Polar Bear Plunge into the icey waters of Lake Milton to raise money for the American Cancer Society.

The goal is $100 per person ... I kicked my campaign off with a $25 donation, then decided to test the website with a $5 donation (because I'm an IT Nerd like that and have to test a link before I can recommend it).

So ... that being said ... I have 19 days to raise $70 ... who's with me?  Click here to donate!

And if you're interested in watching, March 5th at Lake Milton is where the plunging will be happening.

And yeah, I'll be wearing nothing more than a swim suit and sneakers (because it's a long, cold walk to the water ... shoes are needed!)

Facts about Farting

Well, as a guy who is lactose intolerant and loves dairy products, I'm often gassy.  And sometimes, my deflation is legendary in both the sound and the length.

Being a guy who likes to do his research, I stumbled upon a long-lost Q&A about farts from a long-dead forum I used to be part of.  No idea who the original author was, but here are some interesting facts about farts:

What makes farts stink?

The odor of farts comes from small amounts of hydrogen sulfide gas and mercaptans in the mixture. These compounds contain sulfur. Nitrogen-rich compounds such as skatole and indole also add to the stench of farts. The more sulfur-rich your diet, the more sulfides and mercaptans will be produced by the bacteria in your guts, and the more your farts will stink. Foods such as cauliflower, eggs and meat are notorious for producing smelly farts, whereas beans produce large amounts of not particularly stinky farts.

Why are stinky farts generally warmer and quieter than regular farts?

(Question submitted by many, many people!) Most fart gas comes from swallowed air and consists largely of nitrogen and carbon dioxide, the oxygen having been absorbed by the time it reaches the anal opening. These gases are odorless, although they often pick up other (and more odiferous) components on the way through the bowel. They emerge from the anus in fairly large bubbles at body temperature. A person can often achieve a good sound with these voluminous farts, but they are commonly (but not always!) mundane with respect to odor, and don't feel particularly warm.

Another major source of fart gas is bacterial action. Bacterial fermentation and digestion processes produce heat as a byproduct as well as various pungent gases. The resulting bubbles of gas tend to be small, hot, and concentrated with stinky bacterial metabolic products. These emerge as the notorious, warm, SBD (Silent-But-Deadly), often in amounts too small to produce a good sound, but excelling in stench.

How much gas does a normal person pass per day?

On average, a person produces about half a liter of fart gas per day, distributed over an average of about fourteen daily farts. Whereas it may be difficult for you to determine your daily flatus volume, you can certainly keep track of your daily numerical fart count. You might try this as a science fair project: Keep a journal of everything you eat and a count of your farts. You might make a note of the potency of their odor as well. See if you can discover a relationship between what you eat, how much you fart, and how much they smell.

How long does it take fart gas to travel to someone else's nose?

(Question submitted by SteF) Fart travel time depends on atmospheric conditions such as humidity, temperature and wind speed and direction, the molecular weight of the fart particles, and the distance between the fart transmitter and the fart receiver. Farts also disperse (spread out) as they leave the source, and their potency diminishes with dilution. Generally, if the fart is not detected within a few seconds, it will be too dilute for perception and will be lost into the atmosphere forever. Exceptional conditions exist when the fart is released into a small enclosed area such as an elevator, a small room, or a car.

These conditions limit the amount of dilution possible, and the fart may remain in a smellable concentration for a long period of time, until it condenses on the walls.

Why is there a 13 to 20 second delay between farting and the time it starts to smell?

Actually, the fart stinks immediately upon emergence, but it takes several seconds for the odor to travel to the farter's nostrils. If farts could travel at the speed of sound, we would smell them almost instantly, at the same time we hear them.

Is it true that some people never fart?

No, not if they're alive. People even fart shortly after death.

Do even movie stars fart? (Question submitted by Mermaid2006)

Yes most men take more pride in it than most women. There is a large variation among individuals in the amount of fart gas produced per day, but the variation does not correlate with gender. I have read that men fart more often than women. If this is true, then women must be saving it up and expelling more gas per fart than men do.

Do men's farts smell worse than women's farts?

Based on what I have experienced of women's farts, all I can say is that I hope not.

At what time of day is a gentleman most likely to fart? (Submitted by David)

A gentleman is mostly likely to fart first thing in the morning, while in the bathroom. This is known as "morning thunder," and if the gentleman gets good resonance, it can be heard throughout the household.

Why are beans so notorious for making people fart?

Beans contain sugars that we humans cannot digest. When these sugars reach our intestines, the bacteria go wild, have a big feast, and make lots of gas! Other notorious fart-producing foods include corn, bell peppers, cabbage, milk, and raisins. A friend of mine had a dog who was exceptionally fond of apples and turnips. The dog would eat these things and then get prodigious gas. A dog's digestive system is not equipped to handle such vegetable matter, so the dog's bacteria worked overtime to produce remarkable flatulence.

What things other than diet can make a person fart more than usual?

People who swallow a lot of air fart more than people who don't. This can be cured somewhat by chewing with your mouth closed. Nervous people with fast moving bowels will fart more because less air is absorbed out of the intestines. Some disease conditions can cause excess flatulence. And going up in an airplane or other low-pressure environment can cause the gas inside you to expand and emerge as flatulence.

Is a fart really just a burp that comes out the wrong end?

No, a burp emerges from the stomach and has a different chemical composition from a fart. Farts have less atmospheric gas content and more bacterial gas content than burps.

Is it harmful to hold in farts?

There are differences in opinion on this one. Certainly, people have believed for centuries that retaining flatulence is bad for the health. Emperor Claudius even passed a law legalizing farting at banquets out of concern for people's health. There was a widespread belief that a person could be po isoned or catch a disease by retaining farts. Doctors I have spoken to recently have told me that there is no particular harm in holding in farts. Farts will not poison you; they are a natural component of your intestinal contents. The worst thing that can happen is that you may get a stomach ache from the gas pressure. But one doctor suggested that pathological distention of the bowel could result if a person holds in farts too much.

How long would it be possible to not fart? (Question submitted by Ineed69too)

As I understand it, a captive fart can escape as soon as the person relaxes. This means that a lot of people who assiduously refrain from farting during the day do so at great length as soon as they fall asleep. Having been on a great many overnight field trips, long bus trips, and trans- Pacific flights, I can personally vouch for the fact that lots of people do fart voluminously as they doze off. So the answer to the question would be, you can refrain from farting as long as you can stay awake!

Do all people fart in their sleep? (Question submitted by MrBlack)

I have not made a scientific study of this, but I don't think all people fart in their sleep. I think mainly those who refuse to fart when they're awake do so when dozing off. For other people, toilet training takes such a strong hold that they let nothing pass their sphincters in sleep. For these people, the gas accumulates in the night and they vent it upon awakening.

Where do farts go when you hold them in?

How often have you held in a fart, intending to release it at the first appropriate opportunity, only to find that the fart has disappeared when you are ready for it? I asked several doctors where the fart goes. Does it leak out slowly without the person knowing it? Is it absorbed into the bloodstream? What happens to it? The doctors agree that the fart is neither released nor absorbed. It simply migrates back upward into the intestine and comes out later. It is reassuring to know that such farts aren't really lost, just delayed.

How can one cover up a fart? (Question submitted by Mouseweed)

There is a company called Fartypants that sells underwear designed to absorb the odor of farts. If you should be caught without your Fartypants, another ploy is to blame the dog or cat, if one should be present, or complain about how the wind must be blowing from the direction of the paper mill. As for the sound... if you are in a large group of people, act oblivious and innocent, or glance quickly at the person next to you, as if you think he/she did it. Other strategies include coughing or suddenly moving your chair so that people think that they misheard the fart.

If you are with one other person, you can act as if nothing happened, and the other person may believe he was mistaken in thinking he heard a fart. CJT addresses the problem of farting loudly in a public restroom as follows: "My solution: use a handful of loose toilet paper, cover your butt hole and it will muffle the farting; my friends and I call it the 'Buff Muff'!" Depending upon the company, another strategy is not to cover it up, but to proudly proclaim the fart as your own grand accomplishment and to issue a challenge to the others to outdo that one if they think they can.

Is it really possible to ignite farts?

The answer to that is yes! However, you should be aware that people get injured igniting flatulence. Not only can the flame back up into your colon, but your clothing or other surroundings may catch on fire. A survey done by Fartcloud (the site, alas! is no more) indicates that about a quarter of the people who ignited their farts got burned doing it. Ignition of flatulence is a hazardous practice. However, if you want to try it, and you don't have a friend to light your fart for you, you might find it easier to accomplish the job using the Fartlighter. There have also been cases in which intestinal gases with a higher than normal oxygen content have exploded during surgery when electric cautery was used by the surgeon.

Why is possible to burn farts?

Farts burn because they contain methane (usually) and hydrogen, both of which are flammable gases. (Hydrogen was the same gas that was used in the ill fated Hindenburg dirigible.) Farts tend to burn with a blue or yellow flame. 

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