We're a virus with shoes

In the words of the late, great Bill Hicks, "People suck, and that's my contention. I can prove it on a scratch paper and a pen, give me a fuckin' Etch-a-Sketch, I'll do it in 3 minutes, the proof, the fact, the factorum, I'll show my work, case closed.... We're a virus with shoes, okay? That's all we are."

The latest proof of this arrived in my email today:

"I found your photos... Why didn't you post the photos of the topfree women at Comfest?? That is what I was looking for the most part."

Here's my answer:

Dear Artie,

First, let me start by thanking you for looking at my photos. I'm sure if you found my stuff, you can find boobies on teh innernets. Use teh Googles. Or, well, for porn, booble.com

Since you specifically asked about photos of topfree women at Comfest ... here's my complete answer:

Both my website and my Flickr page are marked as safe sites, meaning they contain no nudity. While I could set up a password protected page on my website to control access to it, and I have several to show some of the private, commissioned studio and budior photography I've done, any photos of topless women at Comfest won't be there, for a variety of reasons
  1. I live in America where one-third of a second of a passing glimpse at part of Janet Jackson's partially exposed breast caused a national uproar.

  2. Nudity, therefore, must be bad, because we have to protect the children from it.

  3. Nudity, according to the radical Islamofacists who want to kill us, and the equally radical evangelicals who currently rule us, is obviously the first step on the slippery slope to devious sex, homosexuality and hell. (Devious being anything that's not missionary style, with your married heterosexual spouse, in your bed, under the covers, for the purposes of procreation, only.) In their eyes, sex - devious or otherwise - is bad.

  4. Comfest is not Girls Gone Wild. It is a community festvial of music, peace, beer, dogs and babies. With the occasional topless woman.

  5. I'm a professional photographer. I don't get a thrill out of sneaking around taking photos of half-naked women at a music festival, or sneaking photos of someone's not-so-great rack through a gap in her shirt at BW3's, but I digress. To the topless women at Comfest, I respect your right to legally bare your breasts in public inside the City of Columbus, Ohio. As a man, I appreciate when you exercise that right. As a photographer, I don't take pictures of you, unless you ask. And several of you did. And I complied. And emailed the photos to you as requested. And no, Artie, you can't have copies of them.

  6. Finally, because I live in America and use teh innernets, if I wanted to post those photographs on my website, I'd have to have signed model releases from any woman I photograph topless, complete with a copy of her ID proving she was over the age of 18 at the time the photograph was taken to be in compliance with Section 18 of the United States Code, Section 2257, otherwise known as the Child Protection and Obscenity Enforcement Act. Despite the fact naked breasts are neither sexual nor obscene by themselves.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I wish I had a Guinness in my hand, and a friend next to me with a Guinness in his, so we could toast and simultaneoulsy exclaim, "Brilliant!"